Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Forever Lazy: Quite Possibly the New Worst Thing on the Planet

I haven’t had time to write, which sucks. I love writing. And even more than that, I love writing about incredibly stupid stuff. Stuff that i hate. Stuff that makes me sad for the world and sometimes pee myself. Anyway, writing about this stuff is a great stress reliever, similar to a hot shower or shooting a dead cow with a mossberg 590 a1 9 shot (google it).

So i’ve been taking a writing break, however my friend Hairy called me today and told me about something that made me come out of faux retirement. He told me about this:

That’s right ladies and gentleman and hermies and also the hyper-intelligent quail that live near my house who i’m pretty sure i’ve caught looking into my window in the morning (creepers). The makers of the snuggie (i will never capitalize that idiotic word) have outdone themselves by making the forever lazy. Essentially it’s a snuggie/footie pajama that you wear all the time, say, to the office or a baseball game. The funny thing is that no person or even intelligent quail would ever wear that in front of another human being or quail, without risk of death by humiliation. I would literally punch any person i saw wearing that. Literally. Man, woman or child. It wouldn’t matter. They would be feasting on a knuckle sandwich for lunch. Or maybe a fist filet for dinner. hahahahahahaha. Or maybe even a breakfast burrito with meat, cheese and a round house kick to the face (not as clever as the fist filet one. Really, i just typed that out and realized what i had written. Pretty amazed with myself).

Anyway, what get’s me about this thing isn’t the fact that they advertise it showing people wearing it outside even though nobody would be caught dead wearing it outside (even the undead probably wouldn’t wear it). It isn’t the fact that in the infomercial, they say that “some blankets are too big” which is like saying obama is a u.s. citizen (totally not true). It isn’t even the fact that the models were pulled from the closest twilight look-alike contest, although it’s close. What gets me the most is that during this time of economic trouble, they decided to promote laziness and general sluttery.

Let’s take a closer look at the colors they chose. At first glance, you see pink, blue, and gray. Hmmmm. That’s not so bad. That’s what i thought, until i looked at the names of the colors they chose. I’m not making these up.

Asleep on the Job Gray

Workday Blues

Hanky Pinky Fuchsia

What, fresh hell, is wrong with society? Yeah, let’s promote the overall idea that hating work, being lazy and whoring yourself out is something we should all put in to practice. It’s a great. idea, right up next to the tea party, and any kitchen machine that takes up a ton of space and only makes one thing (sandwich maker! what’s up with that?). I mean, it’s great for a couple people to do that. Fine, you know, whatever, but to promote it as a way to have fun and be happy? That just seems a little farfetched, don’t you think?

The only good thing about the forever lazy is the poo zippers. I wish my jeans had those.

* I imagine that some of you are thinking that i myself, do nothing at work, and you’d be CORRECT!


SaraEls said...

Matthew, thank you for bringing this to my attention. I am so outraged and inspired, I am going to start a group on Facebook called "Fuck off you Forever Lazy asses, its time for a Fist Filet. Eat my shorts."

I hope you will join.


Sara Elsbeth "Never Lazy, Not Even While Sleeping" Baldwin

Anonymous said...

Did you hear that bonneville hotshots now only wear forever lazy snuggies while on the fire line? True story.