Thursday, November 10, 2011

Extreme Temperatures: God, why do you hate us?

Sorry for the delay folks (i’m not). I’ve been really busy (i haven’t). This will never happen again (it will). I could do this the entire time (i won’t)

. . . . . . . . . Anyway, i’m coming out of laziness to write a special post about the weather because it appears that winter is upon us. Some people are psyched, others, not so much. I’m kind of torn because i’m a big fan of snow and the activities it offers, however i hate the cold. I HATE THE COLD. See what i did there, i rewrote and capitalized that last sentence to add emphasis. I’m sure Mrs. Bybee (engrish teacher) would have rolled over in her grave if she were dead.

I guess I should clarify that it’s not just the cold that upsets me, it’s any extreme in temperature. This might stem from this time i was fighting fires in southern utah and it was 110º and i wanted to poke my own eyes out so i could go sit in an air-conditioned office somewhere (not sure how poking my eyes out would help with that, but it was all i could think of at the time). Or maybe it stems from the time i was on Denali and it was -55º and my fingers had turned to meat popsicles (the bad kind) and i would have given anything to be part of a dude stew in a luke warm hot tub instead of being there at that point in time. Or it stems from some other incident. Who knows?

But I digress. Extreme temperatures. I really just get the feeling that God hates humans who live anywhere but:

  1. Atlixco, Mexico.
  2. The Canary Islands.
  3. Costa Rica.
  4. Faulconbridge, Australia.
  5. Redwood City, California.

If you’re wondering how I came up with that list, the answer is google. Apparently those are the best places to live. That being said we have to cross off numbers 1-4 because you’d be an idiot to live anywhere but the united states. So really, i just get the feeling that God hates humans who live anywhere but Redwood City, California, which seems like a weird bias to me, but who am i to judge God?

Reasons why I think God did a crappy job with the whole extreme temperature thing:

Why I hate the cold:

  1. It’s cold, duh.
  2. If you hang out (pun) in it naked, you will die.
  3. Even if you’re not naked, any appendage that is exposed to it will die.
  4. It hurts to breathe.
  5. It forces you to drive to school peering out of a tiny scraped hole in the icy windshield because you didn’t have time to scrape the whole thing.
  6. It makes the heating bill go up and nothing is more annoying than the heating bill going up, except teenagers. . . . except teenagers who make the heating bill go up. (i now understand my parents annoyance with us).
  7. Runny nose that drips in to mustache (or slight mustache if you’re a girl). As far annoyances go, this one isn’t that high, up, but it is a moderate inconvenience.
  8. Kills hobos. the bum, not the spider. Actually, it probably kills both.
  9. Makes it almost impossible to ride my motorcycle.

Hmmmm. That’s about it. If you can think of anymore, let me know. Ok, on to the next, on on to the next.

Why I hate the heat:

  1. sweaty crotch
  2. Forces you to drink lots of water, which is exhausting, which in turn forces you to drink more water. it’s an endless idiotic cycle.
  3. Kills old people.
  4. Makes the summer miserable.
  5. Zaps your energy.
  6. Let’s mosquitos survive.
  7. sun burns
  8. tea party
  9. Aaaaaaaaand, I’m done with this list.

Sorry, I became less and less psyched on it as time went on. I was basically forcing myself to write stupid things, which is what i do most of the time, but for some reason, i was over it.

Anyway, I guess the take-home message is that if you live in any place other than Redwood City, California, God hates you.

. . . . . . . Merica!!!!


Courtney said...

...the bad kind, ha! you're funny. Come see us sometime!

MindySue said...

I'm a huge fan of fall and spring. And that's it. Extreme temperatures suck. And I live someplace that isn't terribly affected by either...but still...

indeazgirl said...

If you live in AZ, it's so hot even the mosquitoes can't survive. Really, we should all just be snowbirds.

Extremitor said...

There is no god do that notion doesn't add up. Find a cave and hibernate in winter. In summer just install a solar powered air conditioner in your cave matt