Monday, January 31, 2011

Great Apes: Creepy. Genuinely Creepy.

I'm cutting back on writing. I'm sorry. I know my mom and sister will be severely disappointed, and by severely disappointed, i mean not really notice at all. I'm only doing this because i want weekends to myself so hopefully it'll be a monday, wednesday, friday thing. We'll see.

Anyway. . . . .

It's settled. The evolution debate is no longer a debate. Man definitely evolved from this messed up gorilla. You can click on the link, but it's really disturbing. Not in a sexual or violent way. Not even in a satanic, or bumpit way. It's disturbing in a gorilla-walking-like-a-human sort of way.

I'm not going to lie to you. that video really creeps me out. I don't like seeing monkeys or apes or whatever walking on two legs like humans. I don't. It's just something weird that i really dislike seeing. it makes me uncomfortable. If i was EVER in the jungle and/or zoo and came across a band of gorillas and one stood up on two legs, i would freak the eff out. Freak. the. eff. out. It gives me the willies.

Seriously. It's on par with creepy dead japanese girls with long straight hair that covers their face. I would be fine if they stopped making those movies. And i would also be fine if i never again saw a gorilla walk on two legs.

It's just unnatural. Like watching people run around on all fours. It's uncomfortable because you're not sure if that person is just messing around or if they're legitimately a crazy person. Are they just being stupid or am i about to get stabbed in the face? I don't like those choices.

I don't necessarily dislike the fact that they're walking. Props to them for figuring it out. I dislike how they walk. It's this bizarre side-to-side saunter as if they're unbalanced. . . . . Thinking about this for a moment, i realized that they probably are just unbalanced. Maybe it's their proportion or the fact that they have hands for feet. . . . . Actually, it's definitely the fact that they have hands for feet. I guess i'd probably walk the same if i had hands for feet.

Anyway, speaking of creepy animals walking on their back legs when they shouldn't be. Here is a short story of creepy two legged dog walking on his or her back legs. Click here.

I'm going to be honest with you. It made me cry.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Words: Why Can't We Say Them Correctly? And By We, I Mean You.

Now that i've set the record straight on the correct usage of the phrase "pantsing", i will now tackle a bigger issue.

I exspecially like it when i go to the libary, and irregarldess of what the libarian is doing, she takes some time and dethaws my microwave meal in the microwave, but supposebly even if you didn't ax, she prolly would do it anyway.

Excuse me while i clean up my word vomit. I just slipped on it. Oh, it's quite pungent. Oh gosh, it's in my hair. What luck. . . .

You've probably deduced this post's topic. Saying words correctly. I'm going to attempt to do this without sounding like a racist person, but it'll be hard because, other than ghetto white wangsters, who have you ever heard say the word "ax"? As in "let me ax you a question". . . . . .

. . . . . . Ok, so aside from the word "ax", i actually hear those other abominations more than one would expect "irregardless" of where i am. The one that bugs me the most is "supposebly". I mean, have you just never spelled it before? Really? You've gone your entire existence without spelling the word supposeDly? Really? Oh. You have? Sorry. Congrats. I didn't think it was possible.

Unlike the fake person i just had a one-sided conversation with, i doubt any of you have ever gone your entire life without spelling supposedly, which means that all of you should be able to pronounce it correctly. I understand that maybe you've had too much to drink so you're slurring your words, or maybe you just received a surprise concussion, or maybe you're doing it on purpose because you know how much i hate it. Whatever the case, you need to stop. It makes you look incompetent and/or an ignoramousª.

The only reason i'm being somewhat rude about this is because out of all the things that really annoy me, this is one of the worst. . . or best, however you want to look at it. . . . which is terrible because of two things.

1) i say "ummuna" instead of "i'm going to" (which makes me a hypocrite, i understand)
2) out of all the things to get bent out of shape about, this shouldn't be high on anyone's list.

Anyway, ya'all need to practice annunciating so that ya'll can all sound like a professional. A professional jerk. . . . . Man (or woman), if that was a job, i would take it in a heartbeat. I would dedicate my life to it and work my way up the corporate ladder and end up as the CEO of Jerks Inc. So sweet. Unfortunately, it's not a job so i'll have to be a jerk under the title of amateur. I am an amateur jerk. Go suck eggs.


ª i know it's spelled ignoramus, but i thought it'd be ironically funny to spell it that way, and i was testing to see if anyone actually knew how to spell it. I didn't. i had to look it up.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Pantsing: It's Not Pantsing. It's Depantsing, You Idiots.

I had a conversation with a hobo the other day and the topic of depantsing came up, although they (not this specific hobo, the general population of hobos) called it pantsing, something that has been bothering me most of my adult life, which it turns out, began a couple weeks ago.

Why would you call it pantsing? Because you're in idiot. If you pants someone, you are putting pants onto someone. While this would be an incredibly funny prank, i just don't see it being pulled off in a quick fashion. It'd be kind of a long drawn out process, which might make it even funnier. I'm not sure.

If you DEpants someone, you're pulling down their pants in public (as i'm writing this i can't believe people even do this. It's terrible. It really sounds like the meanest thing you could ever do to someone aside from falcon punching them) so as to cause maximum amount of embarrassment to the depantsee (person being depantsed) and cause 100% satisfaction to the depantser (person doing the depantsing).

Get it?
Pantsing: putting pants onto someone as quick as possible without prior consent.
Depantsing: taking pants off of someone as quick as possible without prior consent (some people just pull the pants to the ground, but a true depantsing is all the way off. This is a very difficult maneuver and sometimes requires the subject to be unconscious, dead, paralyzed [with or without fear]. . . . . and this is starting to sound illegal.)

There are some key differences in the pantsing/depantsing debacle Obviously one is a little more frowned upon than the other. And also one may or may not sound a little bit like a precursor to rape (i do not condone rape). I only bring to light the differences because i know that if i had pantsed someone (put a pair of pants on them as quick as possible without prior consent), i definitely wouldn't want to be accused of depantsing someone.

For example:
Ted: did you hear that matt irving pantsed someone?
Florence: Oh, that is terrible. Matt is quite the scoundrel.
vs.
Ted: did you year that matt irving pantsed someone?
Florence: Oh, that is awesome. Matt is quite the hero!

Do you see how that might play out if people were confused? Yeah, it'd be terrible.

I'm sure a lot of you will argue that it's called "pantsing", but that's because you're stupid. Either that or raised incorrectly. Go ahead. Blame your parents. Blame them for teaching you that it's ok to say words that mean the opposite of what the word is supposed to mean, because it's not ok. It's disrespectful. It's disrespectful to your family. It's disrespectful to women. And it's disrespectful to America. Grow up.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Fortunes Cookies: They Aren't Full of Fortunes. They're Full of Crap.

I should have lumped this one and the last one together, but it would have been really long. That's what she said?

Anyway, let me entrance you with a tale from my younger years. Back in "the day" when i lived in pocatello, i lived with some really great guys. One day, we purchased a giant bag of fortune cookies. Somebody made a rule. The rule was, if someone gave you a fortune cookie, you had to eat it. This naturally got out of hand very quickly.

People started waking up to fortune cookies on their bed, or waking up to fortune cookies being tossed at them in the middle of the night, or waking up to fortune cookies being tossed at them in the middle of the night while a trumpet blasted in their face, or being handed a fortune cookie right after brushing their teeth, or just being handed a handful as you walked in the door. We all started hating fortune cookies. You'd come home from school dreading them. I mean, obviously, we're all adults and we could have said no, but nobody wants to be ostracized, and that's exactly what we would have done. Me especially.

So, we ate and ate and ate and eventually we finished the bag and decided that we wouldn't do that again. . . . i think. Maybe someone just threw them out. That would have been the normal thing to do. I don't really recall.

Anyway, the only reason i bring this up is because i had a fortune cookie the other day. It said:

"If you continually give, you will continually have".

I mean, that statement makes no sense whatsoever. If i continually gave, i would end up with nothing. This is a false statement of fact. That's like me saying "if you continually starve yourself, you will be full", or "if you continually sleep, you will be dead", or if you continually dress, you will be naked." I could literally go on for day, but i won't because obviously my time is way more valuable than that. Not so much in a monetary cents, but in an imaginary sense.

Another time, i got a fortune that said "you long to see the pyramids of egypt". Really? I Long to see the pyramids of egypt? I mean, I will admit that i would enjoy seeing the pyramids of egypt, however i wouldn't say that i long to see them, nor would i say that's any sort of fortune. Telling someone what they want to do is not a fortune. Me telling you your car might get keyed is a fortune.

Conclusion: Like the weegee (i'm not dumb, i know it's spelled weegie) board, fortune cookies are forged (and conveniently baked) in the fiery depths of hell, then distributed by chinamen.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Astrology: It Has To Be Real. It's On The Internet.

I was going to write the real definition of astrology then write mine to show you the difference, but that seems like a waste of my time and yours so instead, i'll just waste your time and pick one word from my definition that best describes how i feel towards astrology. . . . ok, cancel that. 3 words.

Minimum wage worker.

I'll let you piece that one together. I also used words like "generalities" and "vague" and "pongquats", but i feel that "minimum wage worker" better describes astrology. If you want an explanation, just ask. Or don't because i'll just tell you.

People who buy in to whorescopes are just people with maybe less of an education. Yes, i am stereotyping. Just be glad i'm not singling any of you out. I'm [not] sorry, but if you're that gullible to believe that an effing star can somehow tell you that you're going to have a bad day and you should follow your instincts, then you're an idiot. That simple. Idiots act on whorescopes.

Here was mine for yesterday:
"You're having a fun, relaxed time of it today, and should find that your presence does wonders for your people. It's a great day for you to step up and ensure that everyone who matters is heard."

I never knew i had people. Good to know next time i host a party, say a "T-Lake Techno Party" (google it), it'll be nice to have my peeps with me. Anyway, despite being vague and general, it completely missed it's mark. My day was not relaxing. Nor was today's. Eff you whorescope.

Ok, i asked a good friend of mine who works at gizmodo to give some insight on astrology. Enjoy.

"The stars are giant flaming orbs of gas, floating in a vacuum. They dictate nothing. They determine nothing in your life. They do not care about you, or your girlfriend, or you r job, or your sister's wedding, or your car not starting, or whether you're "the jealous type." They do not get to decide whether you get along with Libras, or can't stand Cancers, or are having a bad day. They don't care about anything, because they are giant flaming orbs of gas, floating in a vacuum. Stars don't even care about starts. If you're lazy, or sleazy, or easily angered, it's your own fault--not the galaxy's."
-entertaining gizmodo writer-

amen.

p.s. - i don't actually have a good friend at gizmodo, i made that up, but i did copy and paste the paragraph from a gizmodo article, so. . . . . . yeah.

p.p.s. - the "t-lake techno party" is an annual techno party held on justin timberlake's birthday. often frequented by major celebrities, this party has in recent years gone the way of laserdiscs, but former party goers frequently post queries on major news sites, asking if said party will ever resume.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Pongquat: Webster's Official Definition

Pongquat: noun - a vegetable like fruit, similar to a kumquat, but only slightly more round, and little more quat-like. Pongquat was produced as a hybrid fruit/vegetable/ping pong ball because of the need for a fruit/vegetable/ping pong ball mix early in the cold war.

There, that should clear things up.

truthfully, i made that word up a long time ago while playing scrabble. yes. they called my bluff. yes i threw the board across the room. they also called me out on astrovan, which is also not a real word.

ps - webster (as stated in the title) is a good friend of mine who has agreed to back up my definition thus making it "webster's official definition", so go suck eggs.

The Snazzy Napper: It's Like Privacy In a Bag. A Very Very Dumb Bag.

It seems that NASA has canceled moon. They're taking it down next week. Apparently the american public has lost interest in space and so to prove a point, they're taking it down, which sucks. I thought we were pretty close to beating russia at the space race, but i guess we'll have to beat them at some other game. Anyway, the good news is that since they're shutting down the space pogrom, it has freed up some of these incredibly brilliant scientists who can now concentrate on making our world a better place.

Enter the snazzy napper.

The snazzy napper is the hate-child of a snuggie and a burkha. With one crazy parent, you can see just how messed up the hate-child can become. . . . . . Oh please, i'm not about to crack muslim jokes so relax. The crazy parent was the snuggie, although the snazzy napper does in fact remind me of a burkha, which is why it's one of the "parents". The difference between a snazzy napper and a burkha is one is functional, albeit only religiously, while the other is dumb. the snazzy napper is dumb. not the burkha. . . . .

Anyway, i personally think this is worse than a snuggie because at least a snuggie is used in the privacy of your own home. These heathens expect you to pull out your snazzy napper in public and use it. No effing way is that going to happen. If i ever see someone using one, i'm going to throw a pongquat (it's a fruit. google it. don't google it) at their face. Literally. I will go to a grocery store and buy a pongquat. Even if they aren't in season. They'll never know what hit them. . . at least until they regain consciousness and take that stupid thing off.

I like (kind of a sarcastic use of the word "like") how they put indicators (moon, sheep) on the outside that let other people know you're not a crazy person, just sleeping. Like, "oh, what the eff is that? Why is that person wearing a bag on their head? Oh wait, the sleeping moon indicates to me that the person underneath is not crazy, but is sleeping. . . . . Hand me a pongquat."

One of the most ridiculous things about it is their tag line, "It's like privacy in a bag". Really? Privacy in a bag. You really couldn't come up with anything better? Here is a list of tag lines that i think are of equal or greater value.
1) it's like being blind, but temporary.
2) it's like privacy, but stupid.
3) it's like sleeping, in a sack.
4) it's similar to being smothered, but not, but kind of because you're essentially wrapping your face in a bag.
5) it's equivalent to dumb.

Anyway. Ug, this is a long one that's what she said. (one sentence)

Click here for some domestic violence that will make you laugh, because nothing is funnier than domestic violence. Nothing.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Great American Wedding Gown: Never Has Patriotism Looked So Stupid (Aside From The Tea Party Movement)

Where to begin? It seems that for once, words have failed me. I guess I'll just post the picture and let it sink in for a bit. Click here for a link to the website that sells this monstrosity.


Five things came to my mind after seeing this picture.
1. The entire tea party population probably just climaxed.
2. It's very vain of me to think that anyone reads my blog, let alone the entire tea party population.
3. It's incredibly ignorant of me to think that the entire tea party population can read.
4. It's copyrighted by romantic gowns? How on earth can that gown be classified as romantic?
5. She's hot (keep in mind i just glanced at the picture, i didn't really examine it, so if you're thinking she's not hot, you're probably right).

Anyway, nothing says "i love my country" like wrapping your naked body in the great american wedding gown (GAWG, "gog" for short, or "magog" (marriage gown) for long) for the most important day of your life. Not even donning a wig and protesting our president's citizenship (or lack thereof). The only thing i could think of that would be more patriotic is if you lived in germany during the 40's and literally wore an american flag as a shirt while running up to das feuer and falcon punching him (punch to the groinal area). That my friends, would take the proverbial cake in my book.

It's just hard for me to imagine (and i have a great imagination) that ANYONE would ever look at the "gog" and think that their wedding would be made perfect if they looked like a giant flag. To be fair, they did knock $900.00 off the price of the "gog" so the "gog" is now only $499.00 (which, in my "humble" opinion, is $499.00 too much), so i could see how people might be foiled into thinking that purchasing the "gog" was a good idea.

To go along with the dress (apparently it's a tea party themed post) i've posted a link to an interesting youtube video.

Ok. Two things i'd like to clarify about the next link.
1. I totally respect these people as human beings. They are free to believe in whatever they want. They have passion for their belief. That's good. Even though that belief is that a medically diagnosed mentally handicapable person could do a better job as president than the current illegal immigrant we have right now.
2. That being said, my heart goes out for these people. They were given the opportunity to believe in whomever they wanted and out of almost 8 billion people, they chose the absolute worst. [single tear runs down cheek]

On that note, i'll leave you with this little ditty. Thanks Layne. You owe me.

P.S. - JC, don't be a hater. I know how much you love mr. sarah palin.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Walmart Equation: Theory or Fact

Since i talked a little bit about hate in my last post, i feel i'll use it as a perfect segue into today's discussion. And by discussion, i mean me telling you what i hate. I guess it's not so much a discussion as it is a sermon. Either way, you're learning inedible things.

Question: If, while in any randomly selected walmart, 3 random adult males use 3 randomly selected (mostly separate) urinals, while only 1 male washes his hands afterwards, is it disgusting?

Answer: I feel as if i'm safe to say that the answer has exited theory and has been floating around in the upper tank of fact for quite some time now. So. . . . yes, it is disgusting.

Is the walmart-anti-hand-washing-phenonmenon (WAHWP pronounced wah-weep) actually a phenomenon amongst walmart's or is it pretty standard across the board of superstores? I don't want to be one of "those guys" who uses stereotypes to portray a certain population as the grubby sausage finger non hand washing type. . . . . . but. . . . 'm going to. We'll leave it at that.

So when i walked out of the bathroom, i saw one of the guys that didn't wash his hands. I watched as he walked around the store touching things. Sometimes for no reason. Was he doing this on purpose? Was he a serial anti-hand-washing-toucher (AHWT pronounced ah-weet)? Gross. As i watched this disgusting event unfold in front of me, i suddenly became aware of all the wiener germs that were probably on every item in the store. I was in my own personal hell. Wishing that i could just evaporate, i quickly made my way to the mcdonalds that was attached to the walmart, purchased a sausage mcmuffin, then left. Ug.

Ok, it's math time. On average, 3 people walk out of the bathroom without washing their hands every 5 minute. That's 971 people an hour. Multiply by 2 (most people have 2 hands). This equals approximately 3.14159 million people who don't wash their hands, then put their grubby sausage fingers all over everything. . . . . per walmart, per day. Ug, that's gross.

Let me clarify something. I don't think washing your hands all the time is good for your immune system. Especially growing up. Parents that make their kids wash their hands after everything are doing them a disservice later in life. That being said. If you touch your wiener (or anybody else's for that matter), wash your hands.

Anyway, i hope that this sermon wasn't too much, since it's inedible and all. It must be tough eating things that weren't meant to be eaten, like accidentally eating gum, or the weird piece of material surrounding store-bought bologna, or i guess eating bologna itself.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Hating Hate: So Passé, Which Is French For Dumb

I did it. I accepted the fact that i can't force positivity into my life and i'm fully embracing my negativity. Sort of like how anakin skywalker was basically born a terrible person and it took him until early adult hood to realize that he's a terrible person and there was no point in trying to be good. The only difference is that:

a) no one is pregnant (at least i'm 99% sure no one is)
b) i technically don't have "the force"
c) i wasn't born negative (it's been a slow transition ever since i started dating)
d) i'm not half robot (or am i?)
e) my name is matt, not anakin.
f) me, blah blah blah, i could do this for days.

Anyway, why is it so wrong to hate things anyway? I guess when i use the word hate, it incorporates many different words into it such as; dislike, annoyance, mild annoyance, brief confusion, poop tarts, you know. . . stuff like that.

So when i say that i hate things, it's a very loose definition.

I hate sneezing while driving. It is easily the worst feeling you can have while driving, aside from being old and running over a crowd of people unintentionally because you put your car in drive when you meant to put it in reverse, or because you hit the gas when you meant to hit the brakes. . . . either one. I think it's worse than sliding sideways, but that's just me. At least sliding sideways is fun.

The thing i hate most about sneezing while driving is that you're basically giving up your free agency. It's as if God decided to roll a pair of dice to decide whether or not you will either die (pun) or kill a baby or just keep driving in a straight line. I don't know about you, but i'm annoyed by those odds. I've been pretty fortunate to not hit any babies so far, and hopefully i can continue that trend.

Anyway, I realize this is kind of a weird thing to hate, but i hate it nonetheless so go suck eggs.

Dream Time: Weird Time

I used to keep track of my dreams. I would write them down in a little book. I lost that book. I wish i had it. It had some really weird dreams in it.

Anyway, last night i had an interesting dream. First, there was this corporate guy who offered all these people this amazing job. They would all quit their jobs and go to this building where they were supposed to work and this guy would fly off in a plane as they were walking up. I'm assuming because they didn't actually have a new job. What a scam. I seem to recall his logo was a weird spinoff of the microsoft logo. . . . I don't know why i dream these things.

Anyway, for some reason, i was there, which is weird because i'd rather die then work in a cubicle. I'm serious. Anyway, i was there and this guy was going to fly off and he was passing by everyone in his plane and i thought to myself, this doesn't seem right, so i picked up a rock and threw it at his plane. Everyone followed suit and eventually his plane couldn't fly.

When he got out i jumped on his back and i put him in a choke hold (but for some reason, he was a really really big guy now and i could barely get my arms around his neck). I was slowly getting to him, then my friend chad came in and grabbed his skull and we brought him down. it was like bringing down a big game animal in africa. Kind of a weird dream. So what does this mean? I'm pretty sure it means that:
  1. i'm dependent on chad to bring down big game animals in africa.
  2. i'm completely against corporate america and will throw rocks at weird planes in order to stop them.
  3. i need to stop eating before i go to sleep
  4. i'm running out of material for being positive and this will most likely be my last post of this nature.
On a side note, that guy had a pretty funny idea. Getting people to quit their jobs then peacing out. Ha. Priceless. What? I'm sure they deserved it.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Weak Shop: For Weak People

Funny story (debatable), i happened upon this website [click here] and almost had an aneurism. A website full of the worst "machines" imaginable. Machines created for one reason; to allow the laziest people on the planet to live comfortably in a lazier way. Fortunately, i realized that it was a faux website, otherwise i would have thrown my computer out the window (still trying to get past that whole negative blog thing). Well, i mean, it's a real website, but the products it offers are faux. In case you're not french, faux (which is pronounced fox) means fox. Here's another thing you didn't know. Fox means fake in latin. . . . and. . . . . we've come full circle.

It really is one of the funniest things i've seen in a while, and given the fact that i'm a really good judge of what's funny, that should say something. What it says, i'm not sure. Probably that i'm a good judge of what's funny.

Anyway, here's a list and description of some my favorite ones.

  1. Freedom Strider - it's like one of those baby walking things for adults. So sweet. Plus it has the word freedom in it and freedom is awesome.
  2. Long Arm Tennis Racquet - Helps you hit the ball without moving anywhere. Plus, not really coming soon are some fake attachments that will help you dunk a basketball without jumping and shutting the lights off without getting off the couch.
  3. Food Lift - a tube with a tiny auger built inside which allows the food to make it up to your face without doing any work.

Actually, i like most all of them, but i didn't want to seem over excited about something like this. It would be embarrassing. . . . . . but it's pretty awesome. . . . . but only because it's fake. I'd hate to think of what i would do if any of these ever became real products. I would freak the eff out. . . . . . Freak. the. eff. out. See what i did there? I punctuated incorrectly to emphasize my overreaction.

Anyway, If you get a minute, visit their youtube page [click here] and enjoy a couple minutes worth of satirical video

Sunday, January 9, 2011

An Ode to Otter Pops: Yes, You Read Correctly. Otter Pops.

Dear otter pops, you're the greatest thing
I need you like a bird needs a wing
You give me this energy, i'm not sure how
it might be the metric ton of sugar i'm ingesting now

yep, that's definitely it, i can feel the buzz
oh no, i've eaten to much, i know this because
my hands are all shaky and clammy and cold
this feeling's like love, except 10 times more bold (and rewarding)

If i had to choose between them or a girl,
i'd choose otter pops. hands down.
otter pops don't leave you hanging.
otter pops don't complain
otter pops don't leave you speechless standing like a miserable sod in the rain
they're with you forever, well. . . actually no.
but eat otter pops, ready. . . set. . . go.


i know, that was kind of a stretch, but seriously, they're great. I have a box at work, courtesy of Michelle (thanks, i appreciate it so much, i capitalized your name, and i NEVER capitalize names. . . not even obamas) and i'm not going to lie, it's the only reason i go in to work at all. It's essentially the only reason i get up in the morning, because i know that when i get to work, i can cut open one of the greatest creations known to man and partake of it's goodness.

If any of you are up for a challenge, you can participate in what fox news called the greatest challenge in american history. it's the otter pop challenge. Long story short, you and your friends eat an entire box of otter pops on a road trip. Long story longer, it can't be done. I mean, sure it is possible, but it's not probable. I'm 97% sure you would die. Oh, and it can't be 2 year trustafarian excursion. It has to be a legitimate road trip, a weekend trip where you end up driving for 20 hours.

If you're interested, on the otter pops website, they also have some music videos starring 6 multi-cultural otter pops on various instruments as well as, what appears to be, a dead dog on the turn tables. I watched about 30 seconds and was kind of weirded out, so good luck.

Otter pops, you rock.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Driving Like a Cowboy: An Urban Cowboy. . . . Heeaaaaah

I love driving. I love driving in snow storms. I love driving off road. I love driving fast. I love driving slow (when i'm annoyed by tailgaters). I love driving my motorcycle. I love driving my motorcycle fast. . . . Unfortunately, i fall asleep very easily when i get behind the wheel. Sometimes i don't, but other times it's really fast (even on the motorcycle, i've had to pull over and lay down in the gravel).

One time, i was on a road trip with my buddies and apparently it was "my turn to drive". I told them i was tired, but they made me drive anyway and within 30 seconds of getting behind the wheel, i had nodded off. I quickly pulled over, realizing that i had just fallen asleep at the wheel. The guys, after noticing i had fallen asleep, were even more keen on getting me switched out. Anyway, that was just a little driving story. I have SO MANY. Tons of epic road trips.

Ok, so the reason i bring driving up is because when i drive my SUV or ride my motorcycle, i consider myself somewhat of an urban cowboy. You heard me. Urban. Cowboy. I have boots, a johnny las vegas cowboy shirt, tight fitting jeans, and usually a mustache. I think this more than qualifies me to be an urban cowboy (even though i don't have a hat), but the real reason i feel i've earned my urban cowboy status is that fact that i have become a typical "utah driver".

If you're not a utah driver, you hate utah drivers, but if you are one, then congratulations, you are officially a very skilled yet inconsiderate driver (but you still hate other utah drivers). If you don't know what a "utah driver" is then let me explain what we are.

1. We drive fast (at least 20 mph over the speed limit).
2. We don't use turn signals (why? we have great situational awareness).
3. We will cut across 5 lanes of traffic to make the exit (done it. It's awesome. and actually, sometimes i'll go out of my way to do it).
4. Sometimes we honk (i always honk my vehicle if i hear another vehicle honk, regardless of who they're honking at).
5. We shoot gaps (if you're curious as to what shooting a gap is, it's basically cutting someone off in a way that's not as offensive because you're going faster than everyone on the road).

Anyway, i can't think of any more. i'm sure there are more though. The reason why i'm relating all this awesome driving to an urban cowboy is because:

a) cowboys were renegades
b) they rode their horses wherever the eff they wanted and they definitely didn't use turn signals
c) they shot people instead of gaps
d) they gave heeeeeaaahhhs instead of honks
e) instead of crossing 5 lanes, they would cross the prairie or maybe even a mountain

Ok, some of you are probably wondering why this is in my new positivity blog and it's because i'm positively positive that if you tried driving like a "utah driver", you'd have a lot of fun. . . or get in a wreck, depending on your skill set. So next time you're on the road, and you see someone driving like a "utah driver", don't think idiot, think urban cowboy, then honk your horn and follow suit.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Bonsai Trees: Tiny Adult Trees. . . I'm Sensing a Trend

Ok, i realize that this is going to be a stretch, but i'm not going to lie, i've been wracking my brain for positive things. I can't think of anything. My "friend" chad told me that this positivity blog wouldn't last long and he might be right. hopefully this is just a rough patch. I need to get in a positive groove. Ok, the other thing that i don't have going for me is the fact that people don't appreciate positive news. This is obviously true because when sitting down to watch the news, i don't grab tissues to dab my teary eyes, I get naked and prepare for a blood bath. Literally. 100% naked. Ask my roommates.

Anyway, bonsai trees.

I had one when i was younger (obviously not like the one above) and i thought it was the coolest thing on the planet, because, it is one of the coolest things on the planet. It's a tiny adult tree. . . kind of like. . . . . never mind. Ok, If you must know, i was going to say something clever about little people (dwarves) but i decided not to, but i might as well because i'm sure you're all imagining an incredibly clever, yet bigoted comment. If this was old matt, you would be right, but this isn't so stop thinking of me thinking of incredibly bigoted comments. Ug. Anyway.

The tree i had when i was younger didn't last long. Apparently they don't enjoy being set by open windows in the middle of winter. Apparently. As if i didn't know this. I was young. Cut me some slack. Cut it!!!

Ok, so the reason i'm writing about this is because i think they're really great trees, which is weird because i love cutting trees down. I LOVE cutting trees down. I think the only reason i don't want to cut these down is because it would take half a second. Kind of an unfulfilling half a second if you ask me. That's what she said. I also think that it would be a lot of fun to fill the tree full of the "barrel full of monkey" monkeys. or g.i. joes. One or the other. Or both. Or none. Or just cut it down. I don't care. . . . . . Sorry, that last part just slipped out. Old habits.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Matt's Blog of Mostly Positivity: Kind Of

Happy New Year. . . a couple days ago. Seriously. Wow, this is a new leaf. A really different leaf that i haven't nibbled on in a long time. Not that i nibble on leaves, but i have, but i'm just saying. . . . this is very different for me. Ok. Whew. . . it's like a load off my shoulders. Ok, it's like when i'm fighting fires and i get tired, i just put all my stuff in my saw partners bag and PRESTO!!!! Not tired. Thanks chris. I'll never forget what you unknowingly did for me.

Anyway, what says positivity better than a nice pineapple? Maybe giving a million dollars to a hobo. But. . . . since i'm just starting this thing, i'm going to take what i can get, which is why i'm choosing to write about a pineapple. And not just any pineapple, mind you. A tiny pineapple. It's as if a tiny kitten magically transformed into a tiny pineapple. Just the most awesome little thing i've seen in a long time. I stole 3 just for good measure. They tasted like i'd imagine a pot of goldenly delicious tiny pineapples would taste like.

Yes it was sunday, which is why i look so dapper, and yes this is only one of a few times in my life where i haven't looked like cromagnon man, but 2011 is going to be different. I have a good positive feeling about it. If you don't believe me, try a tiny pineapple. it'll rock your world.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Eff This: I'm Finished

Happy New Year. . . i guess. Anyway. I'm not writing anymore. I mean, i will, but not as much as i've been doing. Actually, maybe not at all. It turns out not to be very beneficial for me. I've recently noticed i'm extremely negative and cynical and, while this is pretty normal, it's worse than usual. At first, it was easy to separate blog matt from regular matt, but yeah, not so easy anymore and apparently i'm a jerk. . . at least more of a jerk than usual. . . . like constant scowl on my face. The bad part is i don't even realize i'm scowling. It feels as if my face is exhibiting a neutral look. So . . . yea. eff this. . . i'm finished.