Friday, April 29, 2011

The Royal Wedding: O M G(aaaaaaaaaaaaah)

I was so excited to stay up late last night and soak in all the royalness. I truly felt like a little prince. All my roomies got together and made tea and crumpets and then we all dressed up (scott riddle was a queen, as usual), and then we threw rice when they came out of the church. It was just the cutest little thing i’d ever baaaaaaaaaaaaaaarf.

Sorry, i tried to keep up the act, but i couldn’t. I was trying to keep my posts to twice a week, but with all the royal wedding crap that’s been going on, i figured i might as well capitalize on the fact that people are idiots. IDIOTS. So if you could just send me five bucks a piece, that’d be great. It’s either that, or i’m going to start singling each one of you out. That means you bryan wheat.

Just kidding. . . . kind of.

Anyway, back to that other thing. Why are people so excited about this? I thought America was all about freedom fries and birth certificates and now they’re fixated on this sham of a wedding. Do you guys know that England is governed by a constitutional monarchy and that they support universal healthcare? That’s essentially communism. How can you people support communism and feel good about yourselves.

The only thing the royal wedding is doing is taking focus from the more important issues like Obama faking a birth certificate. Come on. I’ve seen enough photoshopped birth certificates (i’ve dabbled in birth certificate forgery) to know that one is FAAAAAAKE!!!!

All that aside, didn’t any of you see that hairy is bald (pun). Not zombieland-guy-bald, but uncomfortable-pervy-guy-in-the-library-bald. And her dress was ugly as sin. She should have gone with a half smock/miniskirt/camo combo. I would have. . . . . And speaking of england. What’s with all their bad teeth. I mean, they’re lucky that their accents are so awesome, otherwise i’m pretty sure we’d invade them.

Happy wedding!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Snooki: The End of Society

Guest writer Brian Alexander is an ultra running [non barefoot hopefully], hotshotting, crab wrangling, world traveling, husband and father of 7. I made the father of 7 part up, but maybe eventually. I will be interjecting throughout the article to add to the funny factor, but in all reality, this is a depressing subject. Anywhere you see these [ ] indicates me adding a snide comment. . . . starting. . . . NOW!

Recently, I [brian alexander, human extraordinaire] viewed an online article about well payed “reality” show actors/actresses. To my surprise Nicole Polizzi aka Snooki [aka dumb] from Jersey Shore was listed. I skimmed the article and it mentioned that she gets $20,000 to walk some red carpet events and was even recently paid $2000 more than Toni Morrison to speak to Rutger University students. For those who don’t know who Toni Morrison is; she is a Nobel and Pulitzer prize winning author, editor and professor whose writings include Beloved and Song of Solomon. . . . . . and yes, she received less than Snooki from Jersey Shore for a speaking engagement. [i threw up a little]

Sooo yes, Snooki received $32,000 for 1 hour worth of work [At this point, i must interject because that’s what brian and i earned in 6 months RISKING OUR LIVES TO SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT AND PEOPLE’S HOMES]. This I find comical [YEAH, HYSTERICAL. I’M LAUGHING MY PANTS OFF] because the nation is talking about education reform and money is quickly leaving the nation's school district’s budget. First they cut the arts programs so we have less creative students and then they hit the educators themselves. Teachers will either be laid off or forced to take a reduction in their salary. $32,000 is i am guessing the cost of a teachers salary for a year.

I think they should start getting Sally Struthers to make fundraising commercials for teachers. Maybe the commercial layout will consist of unemployed educators with flies buzzing around their heads and end with an 800 number mentioned on the bottom of the screen telling how you can support the cost of a teacher for 10 cents a day [it should probably be more than 10 cents].

[Anyway] So what great pearls of wisdom and intellect did Snooki leave for the students of Rutgers University. "Imagination is more important than knowledge"? Nope that was Albert Einstein. How about "act as if what you do makes a difference, it does"? No, again that was quote by William James. The quote to instill a great many years to a successful life is "study hard but party harder" All I have to say is J-WOW [HA! I liked that].

In summation [in conclusion]; if you are pursuing a level of higher education I beg of you, please STOP! Save you or your parent's [up until i was 23, i assumed all children paid for their own college] hard earned money and instead use your time wisely to fill out applications for any of the hundreds of reality shows out there currently. I know what your thinking I don’t have the personality [you probably don’t]. I am here to tell you that they have a reality show for any type of personality out there. From the not-so-Real-Housewives-of-(insert city here) to the Hi-Im-a-stupid-teenager-that-never-attended-any-sex-ed-classes-and-somehow-managed-to-get-pregnant [it's actually pretty easy]. And even all the way to a show about people thrown together to live in a huge mansion and forced to work terrible jobs at record labels and A[debatable]-list celebrity clubs also known as the Real World (insert city name here [Bone, ID]).

My question is this; Why would anyone want to listen to Snooki talk to college graduates? Whose idea was this? The students or the dean? Anyway, you look at it, it was a terrible idea and parents were pissed [understandable]. I try not to judge books by their cover [even if it is a tiny stupid trashy cover that contributes nothing to society, except maybe crabs]. That and i give people the benefit of the doubt, but Snooki is exactly what i imagined she would be. [the antichrist].


[The question i would like to pose is why was brian reading celebrity smut? because it’s entertaining, that’s why.]

Monday, April 25, 2011

Friday: Please Kill Me. . . . Or Better Yet, Kill Them

So, i recently (i wrote this a while ago) viewed a certain crappy music video (Friday, by rebecca black?), strictly for some blog material and i must say that it’s a crappy video, but i don’t know why people are ragging on this black lady. She isn’t black, her last name is black. I feel like maybe that would have been an appropriate time to capitalize some letters to avoid that sort of thing, but whatever, i don’t really care that much. . . . . . Anyway, i’m not sure why everyone is saying she sucks. I mean, yeah, she doesn’t have the greatest voice, but if you look below the youtube video, you’ll see this:

Written by Patrice Wilson, Produced by Clarence Jey
Directed by Chris Lowe and Ian Hotchkiss.

Yeah, that’s right. Four people who should be banned from the internet. It’s weird that everybody hates her and nobody has said a thing about the four people that actually created the song (i’m sure people have called them out, but i haven’t really been following it).

Furthermore, it’s weird that it was written by one whole human being (as opposed to some partial human beings). I figured that because of the crappy writing, some monkeys with typewriters and tons of time on their hands had something to do with it. It saddens me to see that a member of our own race did it.

Furthermore, shame on clarence for having a dumb name and producing such a terrible song. ps, it’s spelled jay you pretentious idiot. Your parents obviously hated you.

Furthermore, shame on chris and ian. Your directing sucks and i think you should try other things in life. Maybe things that require a little less directing, like air traffic controlling. I heard all they do is sleep anyway. You guys should be good at that.

Furthermore, i’m in Arizona right now and it’s warm. Eff the snow, although when i get back, i’m psyched to do some skiing in the Idaho backcountry. Also, i forgot sandals, which sucks, but at the same time, my toes are ugly and i shouldn’t subject people to them.

. . . . . Anyway. . . . . yeah. Rebecca Black, you made a poor life decision, similar to the girls on “16 and pregnant, which might be a topic for next time. Hopefully you can make more appropriate ones in the future. Good luck.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Boulder Diet: Best Diet Ever

I heard through the grapevine that i’ve “let myself go” . . . . . Laura. I think this means that i’m not as in shape as i used to be. Or maybe it means that i’m fat. Either way, it’s quite understandable since i don’t climb as much as i used to, but i thought that after giving up eating a quart of ice cream every couple days that i could at least fool people when i’m fully clothed. :( Apparently NOT. Or. . . . . i’m naked far too often.

Anyway, i decided that i’m going to try a new diet i heard about the other day. It’s called the Boulder diet. I think it’s named after Boulder, Colorado because that’s where it originated, but i’m not sure. It could also be called the boulder diet because it helps you climb harder boulder problems. For the purpose of this blog, we’ll just keep it lowercased. Either way. I’m psyched.

I looked up the diet online and the instructions were pretty simple. I copy and pasted them over to my blog. I hope you enjoy!!!!

THE BOULDER DIET

1. Start your boulder diet by doing lots of yoga, or by playing some frisbee golf. You really need to get your mind set on losing as much weight as humanly possible without dying. This is key because if you die, then it kind of defeats the purpose of being on a diet. However you would end up super skinny, so it might be a trade off.
2. To start the boulder diet, it’s essential that you buy a Volvo (I just bought one.  they're awesome), as well as purchase a couple huskies (one of which must be named karma). If you’re having trouble finding huskies, a type of lab will work but keep in mind you won’t be as cool as a husky owner.
3. If you’re having trouble paying for these things, then you might not be cut out for the bouldering diet because it is necessary that you’re living off of a trust fund, that way, you don’t have to worry about work and you can concentrate on the weight issues.
4. If you don’t have a trust fund and you’re still focused on the diet, you might try being legitimately homeless. They’re skinny as well.
5. Wash with Dr. Bronners “magic shampoo”. This will get your hair nice and not washed, making you the envy of everyone. Remember. It’s important that you inspire jealousy, otherwise, what’s the point.
6. Last thing. Start an 8a.nu account. (for the purpose of my blog i’m going to explain what this website is. It’s an awesome place where rock wranglers can post how much stronger they are than other wranglers. It also takes all the fun out of wrangling. YAY!!!!)
7. Now that you’re mentally prepared to start the diet, you’ll begin with lowering your caloric intake to 500 calories a day.
Keep this up for 2 weeks. If you haven’t started passing out at random times, you’re now ready to start phase 2 of the boulder diet.
8. Not eating at all.
9. Listen, if you want to climb harder routes, then you’re going to have to cut back on the things that make you fat. Like food. And fun. And happiness. so stick with it. It’ll all balance out in the end. . . . . . maybe.

If the boulder diet is too much, you could try the salt lake diet, which is essentially the atkins diet, however instead of eating just meat, you eat just Carl’s Junior and/or Taco Bell. The diet is actually an anti-diet because you gain weight, but you feel good and you’re generally happier than most people.

Good luck, and be safe.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Air Traffic Controllers: Why Does the Government Hire Narcoleptics?

ANOTHER Air Traffic Controller (ATC) has fallen asleep on the job. I just cannot believe it. There must be a narcolepsy epidemic going on, which has me wondering if narcolepsy has now become contagious. It might be a new form of narcolepsy. ACK!!!! What happens if the people at Carl’s Junior get it? I don’t want them falling asleep mid flip. I need my six dollar burger. Oh gosh. There’s going to be a huge restructuring of the Carl’s Junior organization, costing burger payers a lot of money in the long run. Nothing good can come of it.


. . . . . . . Sorry, that got out of hand.


Ok, i trust my reader is smart enough to understand that i was just making an analogy about air traffic controllers, however i’m going to continue with my tirade. Yes, i had to make sure that i was using the word ‘tirade’ correctly.


So this is what the media would have you believe (oh gosh, that sounds like something a crazy person would say). They would like you to believe that ATCs falling asleep on the job is a new thing and it’s running rampant throughout the industry and change needs to be made and the people who are ‘at the helm’ aren’t competent if they can’t stay awake, and the government is to blame for this and we should cut spending and blah blah blah.


Baloney!


I have a different scenario to run by you. Let’s say that this is not a new thing. Let’s say that air traffic controllers have been falling asleep on the job since the job was created and that maybe the pilots are competent enough to land a plane on their own. Yes, they should stay awake, but given the fact that their job involves staying awake all night long, which means that they have to sleep during the day and give up a lot of the social conveniences that most other people have, i don’t mind if they catch a quick nap. I trust that our pilots aren’t idiots.


I guess the bottom line is that this isn’t a new thing. The media is just bored and they're grasping for anything right now. It bugs me that while the media is touting budget cuts for the government, they are also hyping a nonissue that will eventually lead to government spending. Yeah, if it’s an issue then it’s an issue. The media is supposed to be unbiased, but at the same time, it’s not an issue, so why am i still writing about this?


FINISHED!!!!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Radiation in The Ocean: Not That Big Of Deal

This is what happens when you sit on a blog. It becomes irrelevant. I wrote this when it first started happening, but had other things i wanted to post and then boom. Outdated. Sorry, but not sorry enough to not post it.


Anyway, I really enjoyed how people were making a huge fuss about japan letting radiated water back into the ocean. Yes, i could see how people might be mad, and i could see some interesting effects, especially since the ocean currants (YUM) won’t dilute it to it’s full potential, but i think we should put this into perspective º.


10,000 tons of water. (amount of water that was supposed to leak into the pacific ocean)

2,000 pounds = 1 ton.

Multiply 2,000 pounds by 10,000 tons.

equals 20,000,000 pounds of water.

Ok. 1 gallon of water = 8 pounds

Divide 20,000,000 pounds of water by 8 pounds.

This equals 2,500,000 gallons of water being released into the ocean.


To make this easier and more accurate, we’ll be more specific and use the pacific ocean as an example.


The pacific ocean is about 70,000,000 square miles of ocean. that translates to roughly 187,189,915,062,857,142,857 gallons of water in the pacific ocean.


2,500,000 gallons into 187,189,915,062,857,142,857 gallons

equals 1.335542E-14

which equals .00000000000001335542 (give or take a decimal)


ok, let’s move the decimal 2 places to convert to a percentage, and boom.

.000000000001335542%


. . . . . . . .


I’m no scientist, but i think that we’ll be fine. And by we, i mean me, because i’m nowhere near japan.


The moral of the story is a) be skeptical of the media. And b) do a little bit of research. It’s similar to the air traffic controllers falling asleep and shark attacks. The number of air traffic controllers falling asleep and shark attacks don’t rise. There isn’t an epidemic of these things. The media just gets a hold of something and makes it seem that way. Effing idiots.





º i am not a mathlete or a scientist, therefore my math could be completely wrong even though it appears to be only simple division and multiplication. Also, i can’t waste time doing research so i relied on the internet to help me. Although i did check more than one source, i could be wrong, but i don’t think i am. I mean, obviously i’m not 100% accurate because that’d be quite improbable, but i bet it’s close. Anyway, that’s not the point, the point is to put it in to perspective.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Crappy Facial Hair: Why Bother

*Attention: This post is more centered around men, more specifically ryan moon*


I don’t want to be a hater because nobody likes a hater, but i’m going to go against the grain and make a gripe. . . . . . .a mega gripe. . . . . gripe gripe gripe.


It bugs me when guys (sometimes girls) try and grow a mustache when they can’t.


I feel weird about griping about it because they (and by they i mean ryan moon) physically have no control over it, but hey, when in rome, right?


I feel like everyone should have a mustache at some point in their life. It garners respect, as well as intimidates and scares people. It’s the swiss army knife of facial hair. If you have a mustache, you could be mistaken for a mexican, pedophile, biker, redneck, 70’s porn star, hipster, and much much more.


I’m torn because everyone should have a mustache, but those that can’t grow one, shouldn’t grow one.


It’s like certain photoshop functions (partial color photography). Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean that you should. The difference is that, while technically they can grow something similar to a mustache, it really is just gross and makes me throw up. Actually, that’s not a difference, because partial color photography is gross as well. . . . . Ok, the difference is that one is hair (or the lack thereof), and the other is photoshop.


Do you know what else makes me throw up? tomatoes. And sticking my finger down my throat.


Here is the bottom line. If you can grow a mustache, at some point you should. It will benefit you in the short, middle and long run. But if you can’t grow a mustache, you should do us all a favor and laser hair your face because there really is nothing more pathetic than seeing a faint mexi-stash. Especially on ryan moon.



ps - ryan, i didn’t want to single you out, but jake nelson told me that if i did, he would name his baby after me. Your mustache isn’t gross, it’s powerful. Keep up the good work. . . . . . Well, i mean it is gross, but in a powerful way. A powerfully gross way.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Ultimate Question: It's About People Who Cry

Why do peopleº cry when they meet "famous" people? It's annoying. And Dumb.


º by people, i mean mostly teenage girls, but not all the time.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Super Powers: They Have Their Limits

Ok, so this next one is somewhat random, but if you have any idea how my brain operates, it makes perfect sense. Imagine a brain operating on ice cream and great ideas. Now imagine the same brain being overloaded by feelings of intolerance, and that about sums it up.


Anyway, i was having a conversation with some “friends” about super powers and which one would be the most desirable. One girl (who shall remain nameless for a couple fragmented sentences) chose invisibility, which is incredibly ignorant. Some people chose flight, and i chose indivisibility because i think being indivisible would be pretty sweet. Just kidding, i chose flight. Who wouldn’t? Caroline Treadway wouldn’t, that’s who.


So, when we finally convinced her that flight was the ultimate super power, the next question that arose was this. How low would your maximum speed have to be before you’d rather have a different super power?


Just for reference, here are some descriptions of traveling at certain speeds.


2 mph - You go to fly and you cruise along at a mellow 2 mph. Everybody is faster than you. It’s kind of disappointing and everybody thinks you’re a joke. You basically have the ability to float. While having the ability to float isn’t that cool, it still might be fun in certain intimate circumstances.


10 mph - Congratulations. You now have the ability to jog (yog) in the air. Still not that fast, but at least you could impress your friends by doing loops and what not. But only as long as they didn’t get in a car or on a bike or anything like that.


just for reference, peter pan was somewhere in between 10 and 50.


50 mph - Dang. Cruising. Barely doing the minimum on the interstate, your flight would really only be functional to get around town. If the trip is longer, you would be left behind by your friends. Assuming you have any.


100 mph - This is now starting to get into functional flying. Road trips, would be about the same, depending on who’s driving, but i’d imagine you’d get bored with things and the wind would be so loud that you’d have a hard time listening to music.


500 mph - similar to a jumbo jet, you now have the ability to travel around the U.S. with about the same times. The pros: you don’t have to wait in security. The cons: you are bored as crap and possibly wearing a him suit because it’s cold.


2000 mph - You can now get anywhere in the U.S. in under an hour and a half, unless you live on the extreme outskirts like maine, but why would you live there?


5000 mph - You can now fly to london in just under an hour. You will now definitely die if you hit a bird. Even if you’re wearing a helmet, so be careful.


12,450 mph - you can now get anywhere in the world in under an hour. Congratulations, you’re awesome,


Also, what if you had to flap your arms like a bird? would you take something else? I would because as cool as flying is, you’d look like an idiot and nobody wants to look like an idiot. Especially if they’re flying.


So, anyway, like i said before. It’d be interesting to know how slow people would go before they chose, say, the wondertwin’s (one word? two words?) power. My minimum would be 500mph. Any less and i’d rather have the ability to transform into a mop or something like that.


ps, i chose 500mph because that’s really the most functional speed and i’m pretty much the most functional person i know, which means i need to meet more people.


pps, i would actually probably choose invisibility, but i'm afraid that i would just steal things all the time and have no regard for the law, so flight it is!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Cutting Back: Eff You. Readership is Down.

Dear Avid Fans


I realized something. My readers are like women (probably because most are women). The more interest you show in them, the less likely they are to go out with you. This is the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard of and wish that would stop, but i doubt it will happen.


. . . . . Anyway, i feel like the more i write, the less people read, so i’m cutting back to two times a week.


This goes against everything i believe in because i don’t really write for other people (obviously i do, i just don’t want to admit it outside of these parentheses), i write for myself and i write as a way to keep my negative energy focused in a different direction. Away from my social life, or the lack thereof.


But seriously, why in the eff are women like that? I mean, i always knew they were crazy. I did. But i never really understood because i never really tried to date. I guess my problem is that i think about things logically, which is apparently something that women choose not to do. Yes, i'm convinced it's a choice.


I guess i’ll just start being a d-bag (or at least a bigger one). . . . Or. . . . . I’ll just cut back my writing.


HA!


ug.


Also, since i’m going to start posting twice a week, i figure i’d switch to a tuesday thursday schedule so i’ll probably post one tomorrow. Maybe. This is most definitely the last of the monday posts. Or maybe i’ll switch to a monday thursday post. I don’t know. Or i do and i'm just choosing to be convoluted.


If you’d like to complain, there is tons of space in the comments box. Those are always a good indicator on how people feel about my writing, but i’d imagine you’ll just not say anything and be completely passive about all of this. Eff you guys.


Heart

matt

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Freedom of Speech: Pushing the Boundries

I haven't posted on the weekend for a while, but after reading a little bit about some events in the past couple days, i felt i needed to write. It might be kind of jumbled because i'm trying to not to punch a hole through my computer screen (not really).

Anyway. . . . "rev." terry jones, d-bag extraordinaire, decided to burn a quran at his "church" this past week for some reason. It's apparent that the reason is that he's a d-bag and a racist (correlation, not causation). I mean, i know i'm supposed to love everyone and i sincerely make a concerted effort to, but it's hard for me, as a human, not to harbor anything but feelings of disgust when i think about what he does.

That being said, what is the real issue?

There is no doubt in my mind that what he did was horrible. People died because of his actions but i have a hard time placing the blame on him. Every fiber or my being wants to, but i'm a huge advocate for freedom of speech, and as distasteful as it is, burning a quran definitely falls into that freedom.

It's similar to the westboro baptist church. They protest at soldiers' funerals holding up signs saying the soldier is going to hell. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about the families of the fallen soldiers having to deal with that along with the grief of losing a child, but where is the line? I only ask because i don't know exactly myself.

Staffan de Mistura, a top U.N. envoy in Afghanistan said that the "freedom of speech does not mean freedom of offending culture, religion or traditions" (i hope i didn't take it out of context. I read the article). . . . . . . . Yes it does. It does give us the freedom to offend whomever we want, but just because we can do something, doesn't mean we should do something.

The creators of southpark decided to make a musical about Mormons. I haven't seen it. I don't think i will. I don't appreciate when people make fun of my beliefs, regardless of how weird they seem to be. But i don't kill people who create disrespectful musicals. I understand that same freedom is similar to the freedom that allows me to practice my religion. I just wish other people did.

I also wish other people weren't d-bags.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Foreign Languages: No Need, Just Speak Marekin

*Disclaimer*

The grammatical errors, spelling errors and content below have no relation to how i spell or my beliefs. I’m simply making fun of people who think differently than i do. Also, when allowable, i spelled phonetically to accentuate certain syllables. Also, this is best read out loud, maybe with an accent of your choice.

*End of Disclaimer*


Why does the world insist on all speaking different languages? And worse, why do people feel the need to speak foreign languages in mareka?


Let’s be honest and frank here for a bit. If you live in mareka, you got to speak marekin. How difficult is that? Not veery.


It always irks me when i hear people not speaking marekin because i’m pretty sure they’re either plottin aginst me, or this country, and i think that they’re just jealous of all the freedom that we have. I mean, all the freedoms except the freedom to speak a different language, and practice a religion that we don’t understand.


I mean, i grew up and learned marekin, so i’m not really followin why they can’t either.


It’s like, if they want to come here and partake in our freedoms, then they should make the effert to speak marekin.


Just because our country has a democracy and we can all speak our minds, doesn’t mean that they can do the same in a different language, naw mean?


I put ma kids threw skool so that they can grow up and maybe someday run this country. And i don’t want them havin to sit next to some kid who doesn’t know the diffrence between freedom fries and tacos.


Those people are just livin off everyone else, naw mean? Evry time i go cash ma unemployment check, theyr hoggin all the lines and it takes me the intire day. Once i git home, all i can do is git on ma sofa, grab a beer and watch sum teevee cuz i’m so tard from standin all day.


Dang mexicans. Takin over ma nayberhood. Drivin by with those low cars and spinnin wheels. How my supposed to work on ma camaro when all i can hear is some rice burner drivin down ma street? I can’t, which is prolly why ma camaro doesn’t work.


................


HA! It seems that as the post went on, my accent just got werse and werse. I’d say that people complaining about foreign languages being spoken in america is about as annoying as “birthers” (people who believe the whole obama birth certificate thing) and people using the phrase “freedom fries” in a serious fashion. Usually, all those three things are done by the same people, but not all the time.


Anyway, let’s just all git along.