Why is it that every time i’m driving down the road and i see a car covered in bumper stickers, i assume that the driver and it’s occupants are either opinionated idiots, smelly hippies, or something of the like? Why is that? It’s because i’m a connoisseur of judgement, that’s why, but also because bumper stickers, like the glue that binds them to the vehicle, are inherently bound to end up on those people’s cars. It’s like assuming that an uber tan italian male with spikey hair living on the jersey shore is a douche. It’s a safe assumption.
To be honest, you don’t even have to be judgmental to make correct bumper sticker assumptions. You don’t even have to be intelligent. Reading the bumper sticker is not a requirement. It’s like a mothers’ intuition when i child gets injured. She can’t explain it, but she knows that her child is in danger. I can’t explain it, but when i see a car covered in bumper stickers, i just know that behind the wheel of that prius is a self-righteous turd sandwich that thinks he’s a better American for having a sticker saying who he voted for.
These are some typical cars that you will see covered in bumper stickers and the drivers associated with said cars.
- The Hippie Mobile - this car, usually a VW bus or some other older german/nazi car is covered in stickers that urges others to “coexist” or save a tree or not eat meat, or blah blah blah. In theory, a lot of the “ideas” are nice, however like the big bang, It’s just a theory and in the end, it’s a dumb one at best. *Note* The more recent version of this is the prius with an Obama ’08 sticker. While these d-bags smell a little bit better, they still think that telling people that they voted is actually more important then voting. The Driver - high as a kite, probably on marijuana or mushrooms, possibly a hipster and most likely pretentious.
- The Trash Mobile - this car, usually a Datsun of some kind is actually more rust than car. The stickers on the back will usually offend you and will have at least one that talks about periods (woman’s monthly cycle, not the punctuation) or have a handful of colorful words that all mean vagina. Also, probably one about taking your girlfriend. The Driver - also high as a kite, however probably on meth. He will be smoking and probably won’t be wearing a shirt, possibly be rocking a mullet. If it’s a woman, she will be slightly overweight and have bed head, possibly rocking a femullet. Do not stare at these people as they are known to murder people and animals.
- The Family Mobile - this car, usually a minivan of sorts is covered in stickers proclaiming how many children the driver has. Sometimes it shows dogs, sometimes it doesn’t. They also have stickers proclaiming that their children are honor students. Good for you, you didn’t completely fail at parenting, but just know that the majority of honor students go to prison. Fact. The Driver - Really cautious, unless driving a suburban in which case they will have no desire to follow basic traffic laws, regardless of whether or not their kids are riding along.
- The Neck Mobile - this is short for redneck mobile. In all circumstances, this vehicle will be a financed truck covered in stickers of antlers, guns, trucker girls, and snowmobile companies. In most cases, this truck will also have an accompanied set of truck nuts to go along with all the other redneckedness. The Driver - watch out for 64oz cups of tobacco spit, used contraceptives, and other garbage when you’re following because most of it will be ejected out the windows at random.
- The Outdoor Adventure Mobile - This vehicle will definitely be some sort of SUV, probably a suburu The stickers will all be about outdoor companies and the aim will be to attract a female that also shares similar outdoorsy interests. Some will probably boast of athletic accomplishments such as (but not limited to) Ragnar and LOTOJA. Most likely their will be a dog in the car. probably a lab of sorts. Maybe of the black color. The Driver - They love the fact that they “ran” a ragnar even though the majority of them only ran 10 or so miles over the course of 15 hours, which by Mcdonald’s cheeseburger standards isn’t that much. They all “rock climb”, however most, if not all, have only been climbing up provo canyon on a date.
To be fair, not all cars with bumper stickers fall in to these categories, however if a car has more than 3 bumper stickers, it is safe to say that it is definitely in one of these categories.
So what do you do when you approach one of these vehicles.
These are some of the steps i take when i see a car covered in bumper stickers.
- I roll my eyes. Usually i do this because i’m self righteous and i automatically assume that i’m better than that person, but mostly i just do it because it feels good.
- I sigh out of exasperation, sometimes muttering things under my breath such as (but not limited to) “oh gosh”, “you’ve got to be kidding me”, “what fresh hell is this” and “get out of my lane, you douche”.
- I try reading the stickers.
- I roll my eyes again.
- I roll my window down
- I pick up the nearest rotten tomato..
- I hurl said tomato out the window in the direction of the the car. Now before you all get your trousers in a bunch, i couldn’t hit a blind cat with a flamethrower from 2 yards away so i never actually hit any of the vehicles. I never actually throw tomatoes for that matter. i lied.
- Anyway, If the car turns out to be a trash mobile, i either pass extremely fast, or i stay at least 3 lanes away. This is a precautionary measure as it seems that these cars usually swerve and or hit other cars on the road.
- I think about how much cooler i am.
- I check my mirrors (it’s a safe thing to do.)
Some of you may recall that at one point i owned a car with more stickers on it than there are people in chinatown, maybe even a britney spears sticker, but they were all there before i was duped into buying it and thankfully it has gone the way of the 8-track. Eff you chad.
This feels good. I like writing.