Sunday, August 21, 2011

Bacon: The Worst Kind of Meat on the Planet

Ok, i lied, the title was just an attention grabber. Bacon is not the worst kind of meat on the planet. That award easily goes to a chicken foot i tried in taiwan. Not the taste, but the texture. And i might not even call it meat.


Anyway, back to bacon. I kind of meant what i said. I really don’t find it that good. So what’s the problem? The problem is that it seems like every person (american) i meat seems to think that bacon is the greatest thing on the planet and they would love to take bacon baths if it didn’t clog up their pores. So what’s the problem? The problem isn’t that they love bacon, it’s that they think i’m either unamerican or not a man, because i don’t like eating greasy burned strips of pig fat. Pick any middle-aged red neck that likes bacon and pick any Muslim that doesn’t and they would have a conversation like this.



MARN (middle aged red neck) - hay meng, wanna eat some greasy pig fat with me?

M (muslim) - no, it’s actually agains. . .

MARN - NO??!!?!!?!?!?!?!?! That’s the most unamerican thing i’ve herd all day. How can you live here and not eat bacon?!?!?!

M - well, actually it’s agains. . .

MARN - I mean, i’ve meat a lot of peoples at wal-mart and every single one of thim loves merica and bacon. Do you hate merica??!?!!

M - sometimes, but not bec. . .

MARN - BUT DO YOU HATE BACON?!?!?!

M - i tried to tell you it’s agains. . .

MARN - BACON HATER!!!! How do you even call yourself a man?

M - because i have all the necessary male reproductive organs that are required.

MARN - don’t you speak fancy t’me with yer fancy werds and yer fancy clothes. I’m merican. MERRRIICAAAAAAA!!!!!

M - i know, it’s painfully obvious.

MARN - did yew just make fun of me?!?!?

M - no

MARN - alright thin, i’m gittin drunk.



Ok, kind of a stretch, but you understand where i’m coming from. I can’t even fathom how bacon loving wormed it’s way on to the list of requirements for being a man. I’m sure it’s right behind truck nuts, drinking beer, and beating your wife. It’s funny (not funny) because i was always under the assumption that being a responsible person (helping support your family, treating people fairly, paying child support on time, etc...) was the main requirement for being a “man”, not clogging your arteries with thin strips of grease. Hmmm. Guess i was wrong.


ps, bacon tastes terrible.


Oh, do you know what else? What’s the deal with people making all these different bacon related items, like bacon ties, bacon cologne, bacon guns, etc... It’s idiotic and a waste of time. Who the eff wants to smell like bacon? That’s like saying you want to smell like like a turd sandwich. Ug. Good luck with that, you idiots.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Macsurance: A real post to make up for the crappy one yesterday.

I just saw the cuuuuutest commercial. It was a KRAFT commercial about mac and cheese. A couple kids are talking about getting macsurance that protects them against adults stealing their mac and cheese.

Cute.

What they failed to mention is typical across the board of insurance companies. In the fine print on the bottom of the screen was a group of exclusions. Here is a little sample of the exclusions in the policy.

1. If adults give processed mac and cheese (poop) back to you, macsurance is not liable to cover you.
2. Macsurance considers adults to be any person over the age of 400.
3. Macsurance will do everything we can to not reimburse you for your stolen mac and cheese, including going bankrupt, hiring an expensive lawyer to prove you're mentally unstable in a court, killing you, and blowing up the world.
4. Macsurance will not reimburse for partially eaten mac and cheese.
5. Macsurance will not reimburse you for mac and cheese that has been smelled.
6. Macsurance will immediately drop you we suspect that you will someday get your mac and cheese stolen.

Why would an insurance company (even a fake one) do something like this?

Because all insurance companies are run by the devil, and he's a real douche.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

From the Archives of Matthew Irving: A Brief History of Stupid Inventions

Do you know what was a stupid invention? The car. Yeah, i love sitting, doing nothing for hours on end trying to get somewhere, spending lots of money to put old effing bones in it, only to have it break down every effing time you need it to not break down. EEEFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

What happened to the teleporter? Let's be real, that'd be a much more useful invention. It would save you tons of time, plus you wouldn't have to venture outside when it's balls hot. You could just teleport from your house to where ever you need to go.

Come on guys, let's get on that idea. I could really use it. I personally believe that it would somehow use a gps and a microwave, so if you have those two items, start splicing wires. I'm pretty sure that's the key.

Anyway, sorry it's so brief, i have better things to do then get super mad about something and write my hatred out on a computer.

Oh, do you know what else is a stupid invention. Those bracelets that help your balance and improve your strength and flexibility. If you own one of those, you're an idiot.

love
matt

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Clapping in Movie Theaters: Death by an Irving Brother (the handsome one, not the other two)

I was watching the last Hairy Potter movie the other day (i know it isn’t spelled that way, but it should be. Did you see him? He had quite the hairy chest.) and i must say that i almost murdered an entire theater full of people. Men, woman and babies. Maybe not so much 1st degree murdered, but at least involuntary manslaughtered.


It always irks me when people clap and cheer in movie theaters. How dare human beings display that kind of enthusiasm in such a public place. If you want to do that crap, go see a melodrama where the actors physically force the unwilling audience to participate. I don't know about you, but i go to the movies to forget about how messed up the two-party political system is. . . . . . . or just to be entertained. I like to become wrapped up in the movie. It makes it more interesting. Do you know what doesn’t make it interesting? Some moron two seats behind me pulling me back to reality long enough to climb over the seats and choke the funny out of him.


There are exceptions. Obviously, any movie with vin diesel or bruce willis would give you the right obligation to cheer. Also anytime you go to a premiere of any movie like LOTR (lord of the rings), you are also sacrificing any right you had to enjoy a movie in peace and quiet. I guess basically any time that you might be a minority if you didn’t clap is an acceptable time to clap. Although you’d also be in the minority if you didn’t wear a cape, so maybe remaining the minority wouldn’t be a bad thing.


I guess the biggest reason i dislike people clapping in theaters is purely monetary, especially now that movies cost a scrotum and a leg just to get in, not to mention selling your first born just to have a half cup of popcorn. If i go see a movie, i don’t want it ruined by some mental case who is so enthralled with dumbledore casting a spell that he can’t help but express his feelings outwardly. Just hold it in man-with-a-cape. Just hold it in.