Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Instagram Stock Photo Library: Hahahahaha. Good Luck.

I just read that Instagram can now sell all of your shitty HDR photos.  Good for them. 

I mean, in theory it was a “smart” move.  All of these free photos, hashtagged and rated at their fingertips.  Ready for them to use however they want.    It’s a theoretical gold mine for advertisers.  Unfortunately, unless advertisers are specializing in x-pro II food, hdr clouds, or Hudson cat photos then they’re in for a rude awakening.

Instagram was founded with good intentions; Share all of your cool photos with your friends, hashtag them, make them searchable, and let your friends rate them.  Awesome.  This is going to be so neat.  When’s the last time you looked at the “popular” page on Instagram?  Here is an example of a photo that you would see:

hahahaha.  Oooooooh, that would be a good advertisement for Aflac Insurance.  Quack quack!!!!!

Here are 3 reasons why I don’t care about all of this.

1.  The people with the most “likes” are tween instagram “celebrities” who post photos like the one above.  If they did a search for number of likes on a photo that was hashtagged “cloud”, then none of my photos would ever come up.  Mostly because the only hashtag I ever put on is “soaking”.  So, good luck with that.

2.. When is the last time you saw a square photo grace the cover of any magazine? Yes, I know they exist.  There are probably quite a few of them and we’ll probably start seeing more of them, but for the most part, people deal in rectangles.  Keep in mind that you can only crop a shitty phone image so much.  (I realize this is a terrible reason to not care.  I actually care so little that I was having a hard time coming up with reasons to not care.)

3.  Instagram has been inundated with cat photos, cloud photos, food photos, and shitty ironic hipster photos, like this one:


Maybe now I’ll get published!?!?!?!?!?!

If you’re really that worried about instagram/Facebook stealing all your photos, you should probably take a look through your Instagram photo library, because you’d realize that you shouldn’t be flattering yourself so much.  Myself included.

That HDR portrait you shot and thought looked amazing, doesn’t look amazing.  It looks like shit.  And if people really wanted to use it, then they’d be shooting themselves in the foot.

Anyway.  There are tons more reasons, but I need breakfast.  Good luck INSTAGRAM.  I’ll take an Earlybird sunrise shot for you to use whenever you want.


[update] i was tricked into actually thinking that people were acting crazy over something.  it turns out that instagram isn't going to sell your cat picture.  But it still is shitty.

Monday, December 17, 2012

SNOWSTORM DRACO 2012: When did we start naming regular storms?

Who is naming storms? Who is doing this?  Is it the Weather Channel?  Is it Fox News?  I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.  Back in “the day” it was acceptable to name a hurricane.  It let us personify a severe weather pattern so that kids around the block could make fun of the person who happened to have the same name.  It was fun.  We all loved it.  But all of a sudden we’re dealing with DRACO!  A snowstorm that turns rain into snow and muggles in to turds.  How is anybody supposed to make fun of a kid named Draco, when being named Draco is already grounds for getting made fun of?

Look, it’s weather, not an evil child wizard.  Let’s stop pretending that every snowstorm that drops 6 inches of snow is going to end the world. If a snowstorm comes with 90 mph wind, drops 7 feet of snow, or rains babies from the sky, then I think it deserves to get named, but don’t start naming regular storms, just so you can create hype behind something that has happened since the beginning of time.

Oh nooooo.  A snow swath, which is actually just another name for where the snow will be falling, is usually portrayed by some sort of animated snowflake, but now it seems that Draco is so much more than just a regular storm, and deserves words like ‘swath’ and ‘blitzes’.  I wonder what else the “News” channels have up their sleeves? I bet when they’re showing footage of people braving the elements, they’ll slip in some old footage from Star Wars Episode 7 (the 2nd Star Wars for anyone born before 1990).

Wow? That weather looks miserable.  I better get to the nearest Walmart and purchase 300 TV dinners and some butter so I won’t perish during the storm of the millennia.  It’s crazy.

In the book “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”, the people of Chew and Swallow didn’t name their storms, and their storms rained giant pancakes, donuts, and spaghetti.  They closed schools.  People died.  They eventually had to relocate to a different continent, and they still didn’t name their storms.  They were just regular storms.  NBD.

I guess whoever is doing this felt the need to make DRACO!!!!!!!! a big deal since there isn't anything else going on in the world that they could blow out of proportion. . . .

Thank you Weather Channel, and the other idiotic news outlets.  You have succeeded in sensationalizing the mundane.  I look forward to next spring when you try and spoon feed us. . . Väinämöinen: The off-and-on spring thunderstorm that’s causing massive amounts of growing to occur.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Facebook Etiquette: 20 Things That You Do That I Wish You Would Not Do.

 If I have to look at one more picture of a dog walking around on his hind legs because he’s missing his two front legs, i’m going to freak the eff out.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOHHHHHHNOOOOO I just choked out a stranger. That is how mad this makes me.  Just to be clear, i applaud that dogs perseverance, but i've seen videos of it walking around and it's creepy.

This post started as one thing that I really hated about facebook (not about the site itself, but about the content that is being created because of it), but after consulting with a few trusted individuals. Blake and Mindy and Layne (you’re famous now), I decided to make this list of things that i wish you would stop doing, because I love lists and i hate that you do these things. Good luck. 

1. No spray Tan – If Mitt Romney can’t get away with it, neither can you.

2. No duck face – Stop. Please Stop. With all the photos comparing duck faces to actual ducks, I figured you would get the hint, but I see that you haven’t, so here is this. “Hey girl doing duck face, you probably don't care, but everybody hates you".  For more rants on duck face, click here.

3. Stop liking breast cancer posts – Hey man. Nobody likes breast cancer. It kills people. So why do you like breast cancer posts? If you want to do something about stopping breast cancer, fund breast cancer research, or better yet, fund breast cancer prevention research.

4. Vertical Video – If you were supposed to shoot vertical video, TV screens would be vertical. If you can’t see your entire cat in the video, take a step back.

5. Empowering the world by changing your status - click here.

6. Copy and paste statuses – Don’t ask me to copy and paste any status. I don’t care if doing so would save all the starving children in China. I’m not doing it. So eat some rice and go choke on that one.

7. No period talk – You. Yes You. The only people that need to know about your period are those that associate with you on a personal level, such as/and limited to: Boyfriend, husband. . . and that’s actually about it. I don’t talk about a bleeding wound on my arm. You shouldn’t talk about your bleeding vagina.

8. No abdomen shots – You have a six pack, I get it. I wish I had one of those, but I have a job, and life, so go to Gold’s Gym and work it out because that is probably the only good part about you. I’m saying you’re probably dumb as brick. A really dumb brick.

9. Passive aggressive facebook posts – Quit being a baby and just be aggressive. If you really are mad at Genelle, then tell her and work it out.

10. Celebrity Gossip – I don’t care that the Jonas brothers are no longer saving themselves for marriage. That’s their business, not yours.

11. Relationship Problems – OMG, my baby mama just cheated on me with blah blah blah. You’re making me feel uncomfortable. Please air out your laundry at home, not on facebook. Ps, if it’s dirty, then wash it. Don’t just air it out because it’s never going to get clean that way.

12. No poop talk - I took a huge dump today and it was amazing. I felt like a million dollars, but I don’t need to brag, and neither do you.

13. No gang signs – Unless you have a neck tattoo or have shanked someone, don’t throw up gang signs. We all know you’re not a banger. You probably eat cold cereal for dinner. A real banger would eat a baby. A baby burrito at Taco Time.

14. Profile pictures in bathroom mirrors (see also duck face) – Bathrooms are gross. I sometimes take poops in them (see also no poop talk). You probably do as well. It’s also kind of a private place. I really don’t want to show any one else where I do the doo doo, and neither doo you. Except my close friends. You know who you are. Wink.

15. Quoting an entire song on facebook – Could you please just paraphrase, or better yet, most songs could probably get boiled down to something like this: I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m glad, I’m hungry. So much shorter, but that would cause you to be vague which is the next one.

16. Vagueness: I’m not Sherlock Holmes.  If you have an issue, then you need to state it, otherwise I’m not going to know.  Don’t just put, I’m sad, I’m glad, I’m hungry, tell me why you’re sad or glad or hungry.  For example.  I’m hungry because all I’ve had for dinner the last 7 days is cold cereal and it’s getting old.

17. Weird cropped profile pictures – see link.

18. Incorrect spellings – At this point, I’m willing to settle for readable because if you’re posting something like this “AFAIUI ABITHIWTITB so m scool ws a CWOT, brb uraqt”, I’ve probably either stopped receiving notifications from you, or I’m just waiting to finally meet you in person so I can punch you right in the nose.
For more information on the human language, click here
For a complete text – English language translation, click here.

19. Incorrect profile picture – Don’t put multiple people in your profile picture, but more importantly, if you need more than a 50% chance to guess that person, then why are you friends!?!?!? It makes no sense.

20. Last but not least, there is this, which also kind of ties to the very first photo.

This is a very beautiful picture. It does not deserve some idiot whoring it out in order to get facebook “likes”. I’m not even sure why you would do that!!!!! If I ignore it, it doesn’t mean I don’t respect the men and women in the military, nor does it mean that I don’t respect babies or airport seats, it means you’re an idiot and I’m not even going to argue with you. 

Let’s all have a moment of silence for human intelligence. It was a long struggle, but in the end, it succumbed to breast cancer. If only people would have “liked” more of those statuses. 

PS - feel free to like this post because the more “likes” I get, the more validated I become.
PPS - I'm probably guilty of all these, except for the spray tan and the six pack.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Black Friday: Now on Thursday

(disclaimer) Not intended for moms (end of disclaimer)

Ear muffs.  I’ve been trying to write a mother approved piece about how retailers are dicks and are opening their stores on thanksgiving for white trash consumers who want to save $15 dollars on an effing television so that they can use the money they saved to fill their fat faces with corndogs, but I can’t. I can’t do it.  After watching this extremely disturbing black Friday video (click here), I was so disgusted with what’s become of American consumerism that I’m just not even going to try to be polite.  If you take away anything from this post, the next line is the most important.

If you go shopping for deals on Thanksgiving, you’re an asshole that doesn’t give a shit about anybody.  It’s pretty simple.

So what benefit do retailers get by opening their doors on Thursday instead of Friday?   People that are willing to shop on thanksgiving are the same d-bags that are willing to trample a human being to death on Friday, so what benefit is there to allowing them to shop one day earlier?   There isn’t. It doesn’t make sense. The internet was invented for just this reason. So people can just sit on their couches and order things online without leaving the house.  It's the AMERICAN DREAM!!!!!!

I can think of nothing else the people working at retail stores would rather do than leave their families to  finish eating the food that was prepared the night before so that they can come in to work and help you check out your shopping cart full of wool socks and curling irons.  yeah, you're all they can think about.
*end of update*

I’ve seen a lot of people on facebook declaring that they wont’ go shopping on thanksgiving, but the truth is, it doesn’t work.  They aren’t going to change anything, similar to how me liking a photo of an aborted fetus doesn’t stop abortion.  If you really wanted to change the situation, you’d do what I’m going to do: Drive around thanksgiving night, throwing corn-on-the-cob and ridiculing people for being so poor, they’ll sacrifice family time for a $30 microwave.  The only way to stop this madness is to make fun of those that shop tomorrow until they’re so ashamed, they just go home, or lay down and get trampled.

So. . . . . That’s what I’m going to do.

Wow, this is by far the rudest blog post I’ve ever done.  I’m genuinely upset by this whole situation and I think it shows. Sorry mom.

Anyway, don’t forget to click the link to watch a bunch of fat cows push through their stalls and run towards greener pastures.  It’s about as entertaining as watching somebody get their face punched in real life.  It gives you a warm feeling inside and makes you want to help others.

Monday, November 19, 2012

The Ugliest Car on the Planet Goes To: Take a Wild Guess

If you guessed Chrysler’s PT Cruiser (sorry Jake), then you would be correct.  If I had to guess, I would assume that you have a functioning brain and at least one working eyeball, because any person with any combination of those two things will tell you something similar, except maybe they replaced the word “ugly” with “hideous” or “terrible” or something like that.  They also might be using a different definition for car.  Sometimes, when referring to the PT Cruiser, the word “car” can mean “pile of poop”, “crap on wheels”, or “lindsey lohan’s acting career” which is actually similar to “pile of poop”.  Man, I never thought I’d resort to a lindsay lohan joke.  I must be running out of ideas.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because whenever I drive around, I’m astonished to still see that car.  Today, I saw a g-unit driving one and I thought to myself, “how has your car not been burned by an angry mob?”  It seems like the logical physical response to seeing that vehicle.  See a PT Cruiser.  Tip it over and light it on fire (obviously after everyone has left the vehicle. what am I, a monster?).

I guess people use cars as a way to express themselves.  People with big trucks, generally have small penis’ and they use their truck as an expression as to how big they wished their penis was (look, it’s a stereotype that we’re all aware of.  Don’t stab the messenger), people with priusi use their car as a canvas with which to paint their vegan friendly, environmental agenda (probably without shoes on), and people with PT cruisers use their car to tell the world that they are missing the part of the brain that is supposed to stop them from making bad decisions.  To each their own. Which brings me to my next talking point.  The Colorado PT Cruiser Club or PTCC for short.

Now, I’m not about talking bad about an entire subculture of no culture, but I’ve donned by hatred hat, and I’ve created a list of the best quotes from the PTCC website.  Here you go!!!  (ps, 1 and 2 are literally the first two lines from the history page)

  1. “In a world where most cars look much the same, the PT cruiser dares to be not just different but completely different.” – Do you know who else was referred to as different? Adolf Hitler.
  2.  “It was destined to be a classic right from its phenomenal USA launch in April 2000, when waiting lists of nearly a year led to some PTs changing hands at twice their original selling price.” – You know, I’m reading this, but all I see is “blah blah blah blah, it’s an ugly car and people got ripped off, blah blah blah”.  Weird.
  3.  “Globally, more than 1.3 million PT Cruisers have been sold this decade.  Critics say sales have waned in part because the car was never substantially overhauled since its debut.” – Riiiiiiiiiiight.  That’s probably the reason.
  4. When it was launched, it counfounded the market.  Regulators didn’t know whether to label it a truck or a car.” – Never in the history of time has this car ever been referred to as a truck.  Not now.  Not ever.  The fact that regulators didn’t’ know if it was a car or a truck is more an indicator of their IQ. It is in no way considered a truck.

There are probably more awesome quotes, but I can’t spend any more time looking at the blue background.  It hurts my eyes.  I can’t say that I’m surprised that they have a blue background.  After all, it is a website about how cool PT Cruisers are.

Anyway, there you have it.  PT Cruisers.  The ugliest cars on the planet.

Oh, ps, the only reason I didn’t talk bad about the Plymouth Prowler (also owned by Chrysler) is because it looks like the mouse on the Mousetrap” game and I thought it was endearing.  Also it resembles a wedge of cheese and I happen to like cheese.  Also, nobody ever really even considered it a car, so i couldn't label it as such.  It would win ugliest mechanical contraption resembling a car for sure.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

If You Were Going to Punch an Octopus, Where Would You Punch It: The Head

Instead of talking about the election, I’m going to talk about something that matters.  Punching an 80lb octopus in the head sack.

[Disclaimer] Just to clarify, I did absolutely no research on this, so I could be 100% wrong. [Disclaimer]

A 19-year-old man-child who goes by the name Richard or Kevin or Karl or neither, recently went scuba diving in the ocean just off the coast of Seattle.  That was his 1st mistake (he should have chosen a less pretentious area).  While he was mucking around he saw an 80lb octopus and decided he wanted it.  That was his 2nd mistake (he should have probably not wanted an 80lb octopus).  He grabbed said octopus and brought it to the surface.  While he was bringing it to the surface, it wrapped its testicles around his facemask so he punched it so hard in the head sack he killed it.  That was his 3rd mistake (I would have gone for the ink sack).  His 4th mistake was showing it to a bunch of octopus loving hippies.  His 5th mistake was somehow getting recognized.  His 6th mistake was his desire to draw it in art class, because everyone knows that artists cannot make a living.  Case in point; Banksy. His 7th mistake was blah blah blah blah blah.  We get it.  A teenager went swimming and punched an octopus to death so he could draw and then eat it, like any normal person would do.  So why on earth are people upset about this?

Apparently, the octopus is one of the most intelligent creatures on the planet.  Obviously not intelligent enough to know that he/she should probably stay away from a 19-year-old hopped up on Ritalin.  But in all seriousness they are psychic.  I met one once and he told me I would have a beard.  15 years later, I have a beard.  Coincidence!?!?!?!  NO!

People are so mad that he legally killed an octopus to eat, they’ve been threatening his family.  “I’m going to kill you, you sorry head sack of ink, how dare you legally kill an octopus in an area that allows octopus killings.  I’m going to burn your house down.”

A bit dramatic, but that’s how it played out in my head.  Also, he really is getting threats from people because he legally killed an octopus in an area that allows it.  Let me say that again.  HE LEGALLY KILLED AN OCTOPUS IN AN AREA THAT ALLOWS IT.  That’s like me calling up hunter Billy Bob and threatening to murder him because he shot a deer during hunting season. 

The area of the ocean the octopucide was committed in is not protected, but a lot of people really really want it protected, so they’re very protective of it.  Sounds to me like if they really really wanted it protected, then they should get it protected, otherwise it’s fair game.  I feel like I might go up there and start punching octopus left and right just to make a point.

People need to relax.  If you don’t like the innocent slaughter of animals, then talk to future President Romney, but don’t punish some idiot child for doing nothing.  Besides, I’d rather have him outside murdering octopi, then inside playing x-box all day.  That stuff rots your brain.

For actual information about the incident, click here.

If you’d rather watch something else, click here. . . . Merica!

PS, IRVING 2016 (i'm starting the buzz now because anybody we put in office is going to be a pretty huge disappointment).

Friday, October 26, 2012

Two Pieces of Freedom Toast Please: My Struggle to Overhaul the “Food” Industry

Every once in a while, a cause comes a long that piques my interest.  I don’t actually act on any of these causes, but I find them fascinating.  Take the Occupy movement.  I thought it was great that these people were out there fighting the good fight, sticking it to the man, being dirty hippies, but I’m not going to lie, unless the Orccupy movement evolves and becomes based out of some swankier venues, I’m not going to get involved.  I spent 8 summers of my life fighting fires, sleeping in the dirt, and I can’t justify doing it anymore unless it’s absolutely necessary, ie, I’m homeless. . . . . or. . . . . i'm really tired.

What I’m trying to get across to my readers (aka my mom) is that i’m willing to justify a little to get out of a lot.  (aka I’m selfish).  I’ll admit it.  I’m a single white male, looking out for nobody but myself.  Sue me. Please don’t

. . . . . . Anyway, after that bizarre introduction that just happened, you must be wondering what incident could have sparked my newfound desire to make a change in the world?  Well let me regale you with a story that happened to me the other day.

My friends and I were at Village Inn, yes Village Inn, attending our sometimes-weekly ritual of Free Pie Night (FPN), which is exactly what you’re thinking. It’s free pie.  You can buy anything you want and you get a free piece of pie.  You can  buy a milk steak and get a free piece of pie.  You can buy an omelet and get a free piece of pie.  You can even buy a scoop of ice cream and get a free piece of pie.  Who could pass up that deal?  Nobody.  Anyway, we sat ourselves down because no one was paying attention and we started perusing the menus.  Blake joked about eating his arm, while Marcus genuinely contemplated it.  Land (yes, that’s a real name) was staring off in to space, thinking about rocks probably, because he’s a geologist, and I’m pretty sure that’s what they do in their free time.

When the server arrived, I had already decided what I wanted.  Since I’m trying not to get fat, and I was already having pie, I decided that I wanted two pieces of French toast, instead of the four that comes in the French toast combo meal.  That’s all I wanted.  Two pieces of French toast.  It’s pretty much the simplest request on the planet.  The only thing easier would have been bread, but I would have been an idiot if I just ordered bread.  Seriously, who would do that? Nobody.

Anyway, I look at the waitress and in my kindest voice I ask if I can just have two pieces of French toast.  “I’m sorry sir, I can’t do that, I can do the French toast combo meal with only French toast, but I can’t do just two, it’s four”. . . . Silence. . . . .“What?”. . . . At this point, the switch in my brain that usually keeps me from acting irrationally was teetering.  “I could give you the two sides of French toast, but that would cost more than the combo meal. . . . . more silence.  . . . “ok, how about we do this.  Could I get the combo meal with just the French toast, and instead of getting four pieces, could I just get two?” . . . . . .  “I’m sorry sir, we can’t do that”, she said.  “ok, I’ll just get the four”.

As she walked away, my mind drifted off.  I was laying on two giant pieces of French toast. Floating through the sky. In my wake was a trail of fire and brimstone that engulfed all of humanity.  I was brought back to reality by the feeling of Marcus nibbling on my arm.

Why?  Why?!?!?!!  Why can’t I have just two pieces of French toast.  Look, I don’t want four pieces of French toast.  I’m not going to eat four pieces of French toast (I did, but I didn’t like it).  Why can’t you just charge me for two pieces of French toast?  Take the cost of the combo meal, that’s four pieces of French toast, and divide by two, which will give you the price for two pieces of French toast, write it on a paper, and I will give you money for the amount that Is written on that paper.  It seems so simple, like something an octopus could do, but for some reason, Village Inn, a restaurant run by adults, not octopi, cannot do this.

Can’t or Won’t?

I’m convinced that Village Inn knowingly, willingly, and stringently overcharges for French toast because a) they’re Republicans, b) they like money, and c) they hate French people.  Therefore, as of today, I am protesting Village Inn until next Wednesday.  I will not eat at Village Inn, nor will I even look at Village Inn until I can go back and order something different in order to get a free piece of pie.  I would urge all of you to write a letter to our future President, Mitt Romney, pleading with him to make this a priority when he claims his Presidency, because at the end of the day, we all know that four pieces is too much, and once we finish the third piece, we’re going to eat that fourth piece only because it’s there, and not because we want it.

-Matthew Irving, author of the previous 500 blog posts, is currently residing in Salt Lake City, Utah, where he is anxiously awaiting next Wednesday when he can purchase a scoop of ice cream and get a free piece of pie, like a normal person- 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Scones: A Coagulation of Crumbs

We’ve landed on the moon
We’ve sent robots to mars
A man jumped out of a balloon 24 miles above the earth, broke the speed of sound with his body, and survived.
But for some reason, people haven’t figured out how to make a scone that doesn’t fall apart in your hand, turning your shirt into a scone version of “Sunday on La Grande Jatte”.
I think we need to rethink our priorities.

Thanks Brian.