Sunday, February 26, 2012

Riots: Not Just About Social Injustice

So here is this. . . .

Ok, for some reason, people love Nike shoes. Actually, that’s pretty reasonable, especially if you’re on your feet a lot. You want a good shoe that is comfortable, but will last, and Nike seems to deliver both aspects. I guess what i find unreasonable is that they love them enough to punch somebody else in the face in order to get a pair. I mean, that is messed up on so many different levels. Here are the levels.

Level 1 - Why would you ever hit another human bean in the face? Seems a bit harsh. I could see maybe boxing their ears, or kicking them in the shin, or pulling their hair, or peeling off their skin, but the face is such a nice thing (at least mine is)

Level 2 - Why shoes? I mean, I could see if you were in danger, or if someone else was in danger, or if they messed up your order at taco bell for the 3rd time, or if you entered Walmart on a Saturday, or if you’re at Denny’s and you specifically ask the waitress for no tomatoes on your handburger and you get them anyway, or if you’re in a bad mood, or if you scrape your knee, or if you wake up before your alarm goes off, or if you get called in the middle of the night for no reason, or if you squeeze the ketchup bottle and that gross liquid comes out, but to attack another human bean over a pair of shoes seems a bit drastic. They’re just shoes. Or are they? We’ll discuss this later.

Level 3 - Though shalt not covet thy neighbors shoe.

Anyway, I mentioned above that Nike’s were just shoes and i’ve actually heard arguments against this. They go something like this: A NIke shoe isn’t just a shoe, it’s a lifestyle. This can actually be said about any object you see, but i could see how one might be led to believe that owning a pair of nike’s is a lifestyle choice. Similar to how i could see that accidentally losing your arm in a combine is a lifestyle choice.

I mean, really the only similarity between a lifestyle choice and the choice to buy nike shoes is the fact that they both involve the word “choice”. regardless, it still doesn’t justify driving over two effing hours to wait outside a store just so you can stampede in with the rest of the idiots, punching whoever you can, just so you can grab things for your feet.

What? They were limited edition? Every shoe is limited edition. You really think that there are an unlimited number of converse in the universe?

Ug. Call me when they invent hover boots because that would be a justifiable punch to the face.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Car Lashes: I’ll Take 40 Regular Ones, Please

I’m not kidding. I would rather get whipped 40 times with a willow like my mom used to do when she would catch us pooping in the backyard. ha! I’m kidding, my mom would never punish us for that. And really i think my older brother mike was the only one who ever got caught. Sorry mike (i’m not!). You were just thrown under the bus. I guess at some point we should really talk about where the eff that saying came from. [update: click on this link - origins of under the bus

But seriously. What type of girl would ever get lashes for her car?

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I guess i understand now.

So. . . i would hate it if people thought i was a misogynist (a man who hates women), not to be confused with misogamist (the hatred of marriage), but that girl looks like an idiot and it doesn’t surprise me at all that she has lashes on her car. It’s probably similar to why this guy has a fake scrotum on his truck.

They’re just classless people. Not classless in the way that Obama wants a classless society (communist), but classless like the time George Bush accidentally declared the Iraq War over a bit prematurely (Mission Accomplished! hahahhahaha. Psyche!). This coming from someone who really isn’t a classy person at all. I mean, yeah, i’ve worn a tuxedo on several occasions. And i’ve slicked my hair down a time or two (or never). Aaaaand i’ve had a mustache. . . a lot, but for all intensive purposes, i’m as classless as they come. Ask my friend Blake (208-521-8630), he’ll vouch.

Anyway, as i was perusing the internet, i stumbled upon the Puppy Bowl, which was awesome by the way. Jump ahead four hours later and i came up with a list of offensive things to do to your car.

Offensive things you can do to your car.

  1. Put underwear on your car.
  2. Put a fake scrotum on your car.
  3. Put a real scrotum on your car.
  4. Put lashes on your car.
  5. Put antlers on your car.
  6. Lift your car (even if it’s just two inches).
  7. Bumper Stickers
  8. Neon lights.
  9. Toyota Prius
  10. Cutting any part of your car off (except kevin reimer who can actually do that)
  11. Camouflage paint job.
  12. Spinning rims
  13. Mud flaps (unless required by law)
  14. Etc. . .

I could go on for days. Seriously. And just to be clear, i’m guilty of probably 13 out of the 14 offenses up there, so yeah. I’m a hypocrite. That being said, the only classy thing you could do to your car that i can think of is a nice big pair of steer horns on the front.

Anyway, in case your imagination isn’t that great, here are these.

Anyway, you're welcome.

PS, since writing this i’ve decided that i hate the word “lashes”. It’s so weird. The word “eyelashes” is fine. “Nipplelashes” is fine too. It’s just that ambiguous “lashes” word that really upsets me. Why can’t you be specific as to where the lashes are? It’s not that hard.

PPS, i wrote “for all intensive purposes” earlier and i know that isn’t correct. I just wanted to keep you guys/gals on your toes!