Monday, February 6, 2012

Car Lashes: I’ll Take 40 Regular Ones, Please

I’m not kidding. I would rather get whipped 40 times with a willow like my mom used to do when she would catch us pooping in the backyard. ha! I’m kidding, my mom would never punish us for that. And really i think my older brother mike was the only one who ever got caught. Sorry mike (i’m not!). You were just thrown under the bus. I guess at some point we should really talk about where the eff that saying came from. [update: click on this link - origins of under the bus


But seriously. What type of girl would ever get lashes for her car?



ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I guess i understand now.


So. . . i would hate it if people thought i was a misogynist (a man who hates women), not to be confused with misogamist (the hatred of marriage), but that girl looks like an idiot and it doesn’t surprise me at all that she has lashes on her car. It’s probably similar to why this guy has a fake scrotum on his truck.


They’re just classless people. Not classless in the way that Obama wants a classless society (communist), but classless like the time George Bush accidentally declared the Iraq War over a bit prematurely (Mission Accomplished! hahahhahaha. Psyche!). This coming from someone who really isn’t a classy person at all. I mean, yeah, i’ve worn a tuxedo on several occasions. And i’ve slicked my hair down a time or two (or never). Aaaaand i’ve had a mustache. . . a lot, but for all intensive purposes, i’m as classless as they come. Ask my friend Blake (208-521-8630), he’ll vouch.


Anyway, as i was perusing the internet, i stumbled upon the Puppy Bowl, which was awesome by the way. Jump ahead four hours later and i came up with a list of offensive things to do to your car.



Offensive things you can do to your car.

  1. Put underwear on your car.
  2. Put a fake scrotum on your car.
  3. Put a real scrotum on your car.
  4. Put lashes on your car.
  5. Put antlers on your car.
  6. Lift your car (even if it’s just two inches).
  7. Bumper Stickers
  8. Neon lights.
  9. Toyota Prius
  10. Cutting any part of your car off (except kevin reimer who can actually do that)
  11. Camouflage paint job.
  12. Spinning rims
  13. Mud flaps (unless required by law)
  14. Etc. . .


I could go on for days. Seriously. And just to be clear, i’m guilty of probably 13 out of the 14 offenses up there, so yeah. I’m a hypocrite. That being said, the only classy thing you could do to your car that i can think of is a nice big pair of steer horns on the front.


Anyway, in case your imagination isn’t that great, here are these.



Anyway, you're welcome.



PS, since writing this i’ve decided that i hate the word “lashes”. It’s so weird. The word “eyelashes” is fine. “Nipplelashes” is fine too. It’s just that ambiguous “lashes” word that really upsets me. Why can’t you be specific as to where the lashes are? It’s not that hard.



PPS, i wrote “for all intensive purposes” earlier and i know that isn’t correct. I just wanted to keep you guys/gals on your toes!

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