Monday, July 30, 2012

frenchies Are Jerks: An Ode To french People.

Frenchies Frenchies Frenchies, you make me so ill.
I'm in line at the airport about to swallow a pill.
And not the good kind, but the kind that can kill.

If you'd like to know more about my parisian airport experience, call me, cause i'll probably use language that's not appropriate for the internet.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Olympic Uniforms Made In China: Shockingly Not Shocking At All

Attention America!  Attention America!  It has been brought to our attention that our olympic uniforms are made in China.  What logical actions should we take in order to fix this slight?  We should pile up all the uniforms, and burn them.  Yes.  That’s right.  To show our patriotism, we need to get all the olympians naked, take their clothes, put them in a pile and light them on fire.  
Thank you Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev.  That is the most brilliantly idiotic plan i’ve ever heard of.  I have an even better idea.
 Afterwards, we’ll take all the U.S. olympians that come from other countries, We’ll put them on boats (probably also made in china), and we’ll send them back to their respective countries with notes that say: “Dear, (insert name, but for the sake of this post, we’ll say China), we don’t need your athletes to win medals.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Love merica.  P.S. Oh, and here is the money we owe you.  I hope you’ll take a check.”
Oh American politicians, why have you become so daft?  Is this really such a shock to you?  EVERYTHING IS MADE IN CHINA.  We all know this.  It seems to me that this is just a political stunt to garner votes.  
My mind is filling up with content, so bear (raaawrrr) with me and i’ll try to get it out into this word document without sounding too crazy.
. . . 
Ok, i guess my first questions is:

  1. What are the olympians going to wear while competing?  If i’m not mistaken, their Nike spandex unitards are also most likely made in China.
  2. Why did they choose berets?  The beret is a french hat.  How dare Ralph Lauren put french hats on our olympian's heads.  I think we can all agree that there is no hat more merican than either a 10 gallon cowboy hat, or a trucker hat with mesh back.  I sincerely hope that congress is not wasting any time passing laws that will outlaw any foreign materials and designs from being used to cover our olympians.  Michael Phelps deserves better.  After all, he’s really good at swimming.
  3. What product are the olympians going to put in their hair?  If i’m not mistaken (i actually probably am on this one) 100% of hair product comes from China.  I just threw that number out.  I’m not actually sure it’s real, but it could be. . . . but it might not be.
  4. Isn’t the point of capitalism to make the most profit?  If so, then wouldn’t it make sense to outsource to a country that manufactures products for the cheapest price, thus making you the greatest profit?  If so, then why are politicians complaining about companies trying to make the most amount of money?  That's very unamerican.  I mean, i get it.  People are getting very nationalistic around the olympics, but this sounds really similar to the time people tried to change the name of french toast to freedom toast, and we all know how that turned out.

Anyway, the best part about the whole debacle is the Olympic Committee’s response to ABC News when questioned about their choice in olympic clothing: 
“The U.S. Olympic team is privately funded and we’re grateful for the support of our sponsors.  We’re proud of our partnership with Ralph Lauren, an iconic American company.”
hahahahahaha.  That, to me, sounds like a big old “eff you”.  I might be wrong.  Who knows?
Anyway, click the link here for the whole article, and have fun.  There are some other really good quotes throughout the whole piece.

Friday, July 6, 2012

50 Shades of Grey (Gray): 50 Shades of Shakespeare Rolling Over in His Grave and Throwing Up (NSFM - Not Suitable For Mom)

First off.  This post would be a lot more effective if i had read the book, but i didn't.  That being said, i did read a page or two and really that was all i needed to confidently make this statement:  50 Shades of Grey (Gray) is, hands down, the worst piece of literature i’ve ever thumbed through, and that says a lot because i’ve thumbed through A LOT of books (mostly college textbooks).  I really feel like i’m doing all my english teachers a disservice by referring to it as literature.  It’s more like word vomit, wrapped in a newspaper which slowly disintegrated over time due to the hydrochloric stomach acid, which then fell onto a computer keyboard, shorting it out, causing it to type random thoughts of shittery into a word document.

Don't believe me?  Here's this:

“His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave.  ‘Are you ready for this?’ he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.” - 50 Shades of Grey (Gray)

Now, before you read on, the above quote is fake (i’m pretty sure. . . not 100%), although i’m pretty sure that the word “mewled” is used in the book quite a bit.  Anyway, I did a google search for 50 shades of grey (gray) quotes and the internet is a buzz with fake 50 shades of grey (gray) quotes so i spent all morning (sorry shannon) trying to find some legitimate ones, and i did.  Here is a list of 5 quotes from 50 Shades of Grey (Gray) and the reasons they suck:

ONE. . . "I think you can only truly be mad at someone you love" - Christian Grey's (Gray's) mom.

First off, Christian Grey’s (Gray’s) Mom?  I don’t think a mother character should be in a book about bondage.  That’s gross.  Second, the quote is complete bull cocky.  You can definitely be mad at someone you don’t love.  I mean, i didn’t love Obama Bin Laden, and i can safely say that i was pretty mad at him when he personally flew planes in to the world trade centers.  Pretty peeved indeed.  So if you’re in the business of writing, do yourself a favor and only write characters that tell truths, not stupid sayings that don’t make any sense.

TWO. . . "I want you, and the thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twisting in my dark soul" - Christian Grey (Gray)

Am i the only person that thinks his last name should be Gray, not Grey (Gray)?  Is he British? Cause he’s using the British spelling of gray, and we all know the brits don’t know how to write (A.K.A J.K. Rowlings).  Also, that quote is dumb.  Simple as that.

THREE. . . "You are. . . the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin's lamp all rolled into one." - Anastasia Steele

As someone who knows someone who knows someone who survived cancer and has watched Aladdin, it is offensive to me that she lumped the state lottery in the same category as the cure for cancer and the wishes from Aladdin’s lamp.  I mean, i could see if it was the Powerball, but the state lottery?  Really?  Grow up.

FOUR. . . "I lay awake for hours and watched you sleep . . . I might have loved you even then." - Christian Grey (Gray).

I did this once and i got labeled a creeper, so i’m not sure why this is now an attribute that women swoon over.  bull cocky.

FIVE. . . "I don't remember reading about nipple clamps in the Bible." - Anastasia Steele

You obviously didn’t read the bible, Anastasia, because it’s clearly in there.  “Exodus 41:13 - And Moses applied the nipple clamps to Aaron, and Aaron was displeased.”  And what’s with the name Anastasia?  Anastasia is a shitty name.  Sorry if you’re name is Anastasia.  I’m not sorry because i called your name shitty.  I’m sorry because you have a shitty name.

Anyway, I have more i’d like to say about this book, but i filled up my quota of curse words, and we all know that curse words are the best descriptive words of all time, better than mewled.  So if you’d really like to know what i think.  Call me.  Seriously, call me.  I’m bored.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Higgs Boson: God’s Least Favorite Particle

I guess i’ll be the first to say that while all scientists around the world are rejoicing that they’ve “found” the “higgs” “boson”, i’m actually somewhat disappointed.  I’ve always loved a little bit of mystery in my science.  Kind of like how nobody really knows if the “theory” of “evolution” is real or not.  What fun is knowing everything?

That being said, i think to really appreciate how much you should dislike science and all those scientists, and all their shenanigans, and all their parties, and the government, you need to know a brief history of the universe:
In the beginning there were 2 particles; The higgs boson and johns boson.  Johns boson was the more powerful boson, but he was a benevolent boson and so he never tried to use his all powerful power against higgs boson.  The two were pretty good friends.  They got along pretty well.  They did things that most bosons do.  They created uniformity. They went to frat parties. They shot guns and blew stuff up.  They did all that other stuff that bosons love to do.  But all of that ended one day when higgs boson stole johns boson’s girlfriend.  After that johns boson hated higgs boson.  He ended up telling all the other bosons that the higgs boson was a pedophile. After that, all the other bosons exiled the higgs boson because let’s be honest, nobody likes a pervert.
After that whole mess, dinosaurs died, people appeared out of nowhere, and I bought my first pair of chucks.
After all that, i bought a mac book, became a hipster, quit being a hipster, shot some guns, and generally enjoyed my freedom.  Oh, happy 4th btw (by the way).

After all that, people created this really expensive machine called CERN which i think stands for Confuse Every Red Neck, which is actually doing it's job because i'm pretty sure that "rednecks" don't really have any clue as to what's going on.  Anyway, CERN somehow discovered this newly discovered pervert boson, which isn't good news for anyone because like i said before, nobody likes a pervert.
Anyway, if you want some other form of “truth” you can read this. which is actually pretty exciting because i love science.  SCIENCE!!!!!!!!!
click here for a little article in the LA Times.


Monday, July 2, 2012

Joe Klamar: World’s Crappiest Photographer, Or a Brilliant Media Strategist? I Don’t Know, but I’m Leaning Towards Crappiest Photographer

In the last couple of days, portraits of the U.S. Olympic Team have surfaced on the internet. . . . . Well?  What’s so weird about that?  The olympics are at our doorstep and we should be expecting these.  Yes, we were expecting portraits of the olympians . . in the same way an expecting mother is expecting a child.  But what happens, when instead of a baby, the mother births a turd sandwich?  Does the mother get upset and demand a rebirth?  Absolutely.

If you don’t know what i’m talking about, gaze upon these little nuggets.
Click Here

These are absolutely, hands down, no questions asked the worst portraits i’ve ever seen.  It's as if he took all the olympians to a walmart to get their portraits taken, but really saying that is doing walmart a disservice.  They're THAT bad.  It can be agreed upon that any college student studying photography could probably have done a better job .  Truthfully, i’d say any student (pick a major) could have done a better job.  Ok, actually, i’m going to go with any human.  Any human could probably have done a better job. . . . . . . Ok, just kidding, I’d say any human type thing, whether it’s a monkey, a gibbon, or a wax replica of ansel adams, could probably have produced better work than Joe Klamar.
There are a growing number of people who think that it was done on purpose.  That there was no way those mistakes could have been made on accident.  That anybody with minimal knowledge of photoshop could have fixed some of those images.  I agree with that statement in the same way polishing a turd creates a polished turd.

A quick google image search of joe klamar fills the page with photos of lindsey lohan in the courtroom and other various red carpet events, which leads me to believe that he is in fact just a crappy paparazzo with no talent (which is a totally subjective thing, i realize that, but not really because those photos are pretty bad).
But maybe because he’s been in that “scene” for so long, he is trying to make a statement.  Maybe this was his chance create controversy.  I don’t know.
I feel like maybe if he wanted to create controversy, he could have just thrown a gallon of paint on somebody at a red carpet event, or maybe even just thrownup all over someone would have done it.  Instead, he chose to portray our athletes in a way that makes them look like Quasimodo on a bad hair day.  No offense to Quasimodo.
I don’t know.  It’s too early to tell.  Or maybe it’s not.  Maybe i’m just really naive.  Or maybe Joe Klamar just sucks.  Or maybe he's brilliant.  Who knows?

UPDATE:  Turns out he just sucks. hahahahahahaha.