Friday, July 6, 2012

50 Shades of Grey (Gray): 50 Shades of Shakespeare Rolling Over in His Grave and Throwing Up (NSFM - Not Suitable For Mom)

First off.  This post would be a lot more effective if i had read the book, but i didn't.  That being said, i did read a page or two and really that was all i needed to confidently make this statement:  50 Shades of Grey (Gray) is, hands down, the worst piece of literature i’ve ever thumbed through, and that says a lot because i’ve thumbed through A LOT of books (mostly college textbooks).  I really feel like i’m doing all my english teachers a disservice by referring to it as literature.  It’s more like word vomit, wrapped in a newspaper which slowly disintegrated over time due to the hydrochloric stomach acid, which then fell onto a computer keyboard, shorting it out, causing it to type random thoughts of shittery into a word document.

Don't believe me?  Here's this:

“His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave.  ‘Are you ready for this?’ he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.” - 50 Shades of Grey (Gray)

Now, before you read on, the above quote is fake (i’m pretty sure. . . not 100%), although i’m pretty sure that the word “mewled” is used in the book quite a bit.  Anyway, I did a google search for 50 shades of grey (gray) quotes and the internet is a buzz with fake 50 shades of grey (gray) quotes so i spent all morning (sorry shannon) trying to find some legitimate ones, and i did.  Here is a list of 5 quotes from 50 Shades of Grey (Gray) and the reasons they suck:

ONE. . . "I think you can only truly be mad at someone you love" - Christian Grey's (Gray's) mom.

First off, Christian Grey’s (Gray’s) Mom?  I don’t think a mother character should be in a book about bondage.  That’s gross.  Second, the quote is complete bull cocky.  You can definitely be mad at someone you don’t love.  I mean, i didn’t love Obama Bin Laden, and i can safely say that i was pretty mad at him when he personally flew planes in to the world trade centers.  Pretty peeved indeed.  So if you’re in the business of writing, do yourself a favor and only write characters that tell truths, not stupid sayings that don’t make any sense.

TWO. . . "I want you, and the thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twisting in my dark soul" - Christian Grey (Gray)

Am i the only person that thinks his last name should be Gray, not Grey (Gray)?  Is he British? Cause he’s using the British spelling of gray, and we all know the brits don’t know how to write (A.K.A J.K. Rowlings).  Also, that quote is dumb.  Simple as that.

THREE. . . "You are. . . the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin's lamp all rolled into one." - Anastasia Steele

As someone who knows someone who knows someone who survived cancer and has watched Aladdin, it is offensive to me that she lumped the state lottery in the same category as the cure for cancer and the wishes from Aladdin’s lamp.  I mean, i could see if it was the Powerball, but the state lottery?  Really?  Grow up.

FOUR. . . "I lay awake for hours and watched you sleep . . . I might have loved you even then." - Christian Grey (Gray).

I did this once and i got labeled a creeper, so i’m not sure why this is now an attribute that women swoon over.  bull cocky.

FIVE. . . "I don't remember reading about nipple clamps in the Bible." - Anastasia Steele

You obviously didn’t read the bible, Anastasia, because it’s clearly in there.  “Exodus 41:13 - And Moses applied the nipple clamps to Aaron, and Aaron was displeased.”  And what’s with the name Anastasia?  Anastasia is a shitty name.  Sorry if you’re name is Anastasia.  I’m not sorry because i called your name shitty.  I’m sorry because you have a shitty name.

Anyway, I have more i’d like to say about this book, but i filled up my quota of curse words, and we all know that curse words are the best descriptive words of all time, better than mewled.  So if you’d really like to know what i think.  Call me.  Seriously, call me.  I’m bored.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

It is Osama bin laden, not obama. He is the president.

MelancholyRose said...

I LOL'd at this one: "You are. . . the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin's lamp all rolled into one."


And the quote about "mewling" I think is legit. I haven't read it, but there are people quoting that line when they review it after reading it.

For some reason, the "clumsy, innocent, dopey woman" role bonded (pardon the pun) with the "strong, dominant, aggressive" partner seems to be a popular theme... Eh-hem... Twilight, anyone?

As for Brits not being able to write, J.K. Rowling is a much better writer than the author of 50 Shades of Grey, or Stephanie Meyer. I'd rather read Harry Potter than this gar-bitch.

Anonymous said...

WHAT...calling you right now!

Lara said...

In May as I was flying from Arkansas to Idaho, our cute young flight attendant was reading this trashy book. She didn't even have the decency to read it on a Kindle where no one would know. She was late with drinks and I swear I saw her blushing. I told my husband that she was probably hot and bothered and if he (or any male passenger) propositioned her, there was probably a 93% chance of joining the mile high club. Shittery indeed. Maybe on my next flight the male flight attendant will be reading Penthouse in front of everyone?

Matthew said...

I would like to thank for the first anonymous for stating the obvious. It's almost insulting to think that they think i don't write EVERYTHING for a reason.

I would like to think the 2nd anonymous for saying they were going to call me, and then never doing it. Thanks a lot. I'm still bored.

Laura - I feel you. Whenever i try and view pornography at the public library, people always get upset. It's like, "grow up".

Anonymous said...

The brits don't know how to write? This coming from an American? Where do you think the English language comes from, genius?

Matthew said...

I love it when people can't read sarcasm. I guess in the end it's my fault. I should try and be more sarcastic.

Anonymous said...

wow, you sound bitter mate.. haha. can't find your own anastasia steel? anyways, enjoyed reading your blog. haha. typos and a little bit of history might help you. cant stop laughing, hahaha. you don't like pornography, it was as if your saying man doesn't need to masturbate. hahaha