Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Black Friday: Now on Thursday


(disclaimer) Not intended for moms (end of disclaimer)

Ear muffs.  I’ve been trying to write a mother approved piece about how retailers are dicks and are opening their stores on thanksgiving for white trash consumers who want to save $15 dollars on an effing television so that they can use the money they saved to fill their fat faces with corndogs, but I can’t. I can’t do it.  After watching this extremely disturbing black Friday video (click here), I was so disgusted with what’s become of American consumerism that I’m just not even going to try to be polite.  If you take away anything from this post, the next line is the most important.

If you go shopping for deals on Thanksgiving, you’re an asshole that doesn’t give a shit about anybody.  It’s pretty simple.

So what benefit do retailers get by opening their doors on Thursday instead of Friday?   People that are willing to shop on thanksgiving are the same d-bags that are willing to trample a human being to death on Friday, so what benefit is there to allowing them to shop one day earlier?   There isn’t. It doesn’t make sense. The internet was invented for just this reason. So people can just sit on their couches and order things online without leaving the house.  It's the AMERICAN DREAM!!!!!!

*update*
I can think of nothing else the people working at retail stores would rather do than leave their families to  finish eating the food that was prepared the night before so that they can come in to work and help you check out your shopping cart full of wool socks and curling irons.  yeah, you're all they can think about.
*end of update*

I’ve seen a lot of people on facebook declaring that they wont’ go shopping on thanksgiving, but the truth is, it doesn’t work.  They aren’t going to change anything, similar to how me liking a photo of an aborted fetus doesn’t stop abortion.  If you really wanted to change the situation, you’d do what I’m going to do: Drive around thanksgiving night, throwing corn-on-the-cob and ridiculing people for being so poor, they’ll sacrifice family time for a $30 microwave.  The only way to stop this madness is to make fun of those that shop tomorrow until they’re so ashamed, they just go home, or lay down and get trampled.

So. . . . . That’s what I’m going to do.

Wow, this is by far the rudest blog post I’ve ever done.  I’m genuinely upset by this whole situation and I think it shows. Sorry mom.

Anyway, don’t forget to click the link to watch a bunch of fat cows push through their stalls and run towards greener pastures.  It’s about as entertaining as watching somebody get their face punched in real life.  It gives you a warm feeling inside and makes you want to help others.


4 comments:

Devery said...

Would you hate me if I said that you remind me a lot of Sue Sylvester on Glee? (In a very good way of course!)

Bloomability said...

oh matt. i sure miss you and your negativity. at least i have your blog

Anonymous said...

You might be onto something. If you shame those who are shopping on Thanksgiving there might be a change in behavior.
This study sort of backs you up on (though they didn't use corn-on-the-cob).

Affect, Social Pressure and Prosocial Motivation: Field Experimental Evidence of the Mobilizing Effects of Pride, Shame and Publicizing Voting Behavior

http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs11109-010-9114-0?LI=true

EyesofAtlantic said...

I agree with you. I think it's total BS to take thanksgiving away from that many people.