Tuesday, November 6, 2012

If You Were Going to Punch an Octopus, Where Would You Punch It: The Head

Instead of talking about the election, I’m going to talk about something that matters.  Punching an 80lb octopus in the head sack.

[Disclaimer] Just to clarify, I did absolutely no research on this, so I could be 100% wrong. [Disclaimer]

A 19-year-old man-child who goes by the name Richard or Kevin or Karl or neither, recently went scuba diving in the ocean just off the coast of Seattle.  That was his 1st mistake (he should have chosen a less pretentious area).  While he was mucking around he saw an 80lb octopus and decided he wanted it.  That was his 2nd mistake (he should have probably not wanted an 80lb octopus).  He grabbed said octopus and brought it to the surface.  While he was bringing it to the surface, it wrapped its testicles around his facemask so he punched it so hard in the head sack he killed it.  That was his 3rd mistake (I would have gone for the ink sack).  His 4th mistake was showing it to a bunch of octopus loving hippies.  His 5th mistake was somehow getting recognized.  His 6th mistake was his desire to draw it in art class, because everyone knows that artists cannot make a living.  Case in point; Banksy. His 7th mistake was blah blah blah blah blah.  We get it.  A teenager went swimming and punched an octopus to death so he could draw and then eat it, like any normal person would do.  So why on earth are people upset about this?

Apparently, the octopus is one of the most intelligent creatures on the planet.  Obviously not intelligent enough to know that he/she should probably stay away from a 19-year-old hopped up on Ritalin.  But in all seriousness they are psychic.  I met one once and he told me I would have a beard.  15 years later, I have a beard.  Coincidence!?!?!?!  NO!

People are so mad that he legally killed an octopus to eat, they’ve been threatening his family.  “I’m going to kill you, you sorry head sack of ink, how dare you legally kill an octopus in an area that allows octopus killings.  I’m going to burn your house down.”

A bit dramatic, but that’s how it played out in my head.  Also, he really is getting threats from people because he legally killed an octopus in an area that allows it.  Let me say that again.  HE LEGALLY KILLED AN OCTOPUS IN AN AREA THAT ALLOWS IT.  That’s like me calling up hunter Billy Bob and threatening to murder him because he shot a deer during hunting season. 

The area of the ocean the octopucide was committed in is not protected, but a lot of people really really want it protected, so they’re very protective of it.  Sounds to me like if they really really wanted it protected, then they should get it protected, otherwise it’s fair game.  I feel like I might go up there and start punching octopus left and right just to make a point.

People need to relax.  If you don’t like the innocent slaughter of animals, then talk to future President Romney, but don’t punish some idiot child for doing nothing.  Besides, I’d rather have him outside murdering octopi, then inside playing x-box all day.  That stuff rots your brain.

For actual information about the incident, click here.

If you’d rather watch something else, click here. . . . Merica!

PS, IRVING 2016 (i'm starting the buzz now because anybody we put in office is going to be a pretty huge disappointment).


MindySue said...

Silly. I would tie its arms together!!

Matthew said...

Image how much trouble your kids would get in if they had 8 arms each. Just saying.

Mike Wilkinson said...

I had to re-read the line to make sure I was reading it correctly when you wrote testicles instead of tentacles. Well played sir.