Monday, November 19, 2012

The Ugliest Car on the Planet Goes To: Take a Wild Guess

If you guessed Chrysler’s PT Cruiser (sorry Jake), then you would be correct.  If I had to guess, I would assume that you have a functioning brain and at least one working eyeball, because any person with any combination of those two things will tell you something similar, except maybe they replaced the word “ugly” with “hideous” or “terrible” or something like that.  They also might be using a different definition for car.  Sometimes, when referring to the PT Cruiser, the word “car” can mean “pile of poop”, “crap on wheels”, or “lindsey lohan’s acting career” which is actually similar to “pile of poop”.  Man, I never thought I’d resort to a lindsay lohan joke.  I must be running out of ideas.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because whenever I drive around, I’m astonished to still see that car.  Today, I saw a g-unit driving one and I thought to myself, “how has your car not been burned by an angry mob?”  It seems like the logical physical response to seeing that vehicle.  See a PT Cruiser.  Tip it over and light it on fire (obviously after everyone has left the vehicle. what am I, a monster?).

I guess people use cars as a way to express themselves.  People with big trucks, generally have small penis’ and they use their truck as an expression as to how big they wished their penis was (look, it’s a stereotype that we’re all aware of.  Don’t stab the messenger), people with priusi use their car as a canvas with which to paint their vegan friendly, environmental agenda (probably without shoes on), and people with PT cruisers use their car to tell the world that they are missing the part of the brain that is supposed to stop them from making bad decisions.  To each their own. Which brings me to my next talking point.  The Colorado PT Cruiser Club or PTCC for short.

Now, I’m not about talking bad about an entire subculture of no culture, but I’ve donned by hatred hat, and I’ve created a list of the best quotes from the PTCC website.  Here you go!!!  (ps, 1 and 2 are literally the first two lines from the history page)

  1. “In a world where most cars look much the same, the PT cruiser dares to be not just different but completely different.” – Do you know who else was referred to as different? Adolf Hitler.
  2.  “It was destined to be a classic right from its phenomenal USA launch in April 2000, when waiting lists of nearly a year led to some PTs changing hands at twice their original selling price.” – You know, I’m reading this, but all I see is “blah blah blah blah, it’s an ugly car and people got ripped off, blah blah blah”.  Weird.
  3.  “Globally, more than 1.3 million PT Cruisers have been sold this decade.  Critics say sales have waned in part because the car was never substantially overhauled since its debut.” – Riiiiiiiiiiight.  That’s probably the reason.
  4. When it was launched, it counfounded the market.  Regulators didn’t know whether to label it a truck or a car.” – Never in the history of time has this car ever been referred to as a truck.  Not now.  Not ever.  The fact that regulators didn’t’ know if it was a car or a truck is more an indicator of their IQ. It is in no way considered a truck.

There are probably more awesome quotes, but I can’t spend any more time looking at the blue background.  It hurts my eyes.  I can’t say that I’m surprised that they have a blue background.  After all, it is a website about how cool PT Cruisers are.

Anyway, there you have it.  PT Cruisers.  The ugliest cars on the planet.

Oh, ps, the only reason I didn’t talk bad about the Plymouth Prowler (also owned by Chrysler) is because it looks like the mouse on the Mousetrap” game and I thought it was endearing.  Also it resembles a wedge of cheese and I happen to like cheese.  Also, nobody ever really even considered it a car, so i couldn't label it as such.  It would win ugliest mechanical contraption resembling a car for sure.

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