Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Instagram Stock Photo Library: Hahahahaha. Good Luck.

I just read that Instagram can now sell all of your shitty HDR photos.  Good for them. 

I mean, in theory it was a “smart” move.  All of these free photos, hashtagged and rated at their fingertips.  Ready for them to use however they want.    It’s a theoretical gold mine for advertisers.  Unfortunately, unless advertisers are specializing in x-pro II food, hdr clouds, or Hudson cat photos then they’re in for a rude awakening.

Instagram was founded with good intentions; Share all of your cool photos with your friends, hashtag them, make them searchable, and let your friends rate them.  Awesome.  This is going to be so neat.  When’s the last time you looked at the “popular” page on Instagram?  Here is an example of a photo that you would see:

hahahaha.  Oooooooh, that would be a good advertisement for Aflac Insurance.  Quack quack!!!!!

Here are 3 reasons why I don’t care about all of this.

1.  The people with the most “likes” are tween instagram “celebrities” who post photos like the one above.  If they did a search for number of likes on a photo that was hashtagged “cloud”, then none of my photos would ever come up.  Mostly because the only hashtag I ever put on is “soaking”.  So, good luck with that.

2.. When is the last time you saw a square photo grace the cover of any magazine? Yes, I know they exist.  There are probably quite a few of them and we’ll probably start seeing more of them, but for the most part, people deal in rectangles.  Keep in mind that you can only crop a shitty phone image so much.  (I realize this is a terrible reason to not care.  I actually care so little that I was having a hard time coming up with reasons to not care.)

3.  Instagram has been inundated with cat photos, cloud photos, food photos, and shitty ironic hipster photos, like this one:


Maybe now I’ll get published!?!?!?!?!?!

If you’re really that worried about instagram/Facebook stealing all your photos, you should probably take a look through your Instagram photo library, because you’d realize that you shouldn’t be flattering yourself so much.  Myself included.

That HDR portrait you shot and thought looked amazing, doesn’t look amazing.  It looks like shit.  And if people really wanted to use it, then they’d be shooting themselves in the foot.

Anyway.  There are tons more reasons, but I need breakfast.  Good luck INSTAGRAM.  I’ll take an Earlybird sunrise shot for you to use whenever you want.


[update] i was tricked into actually thinking that people were acting crazy over something.  it turns out that instagram isn't going to sell your cat picture.  But it still is shitty.

Monday, December 17, 2012

SNOWSTORM DRACO 2012: When did we start naming regular storms?

Who is naming storms? Who is doing this?  Is it the Weather Channel?  Is it Fox News?  I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.  Back in “the day” it was acceptable to name a hurricane.  It let us personify a severe weather pattern so that kids around the block could make fun of the person who happened to have the same name.  It was fun.  We all loved it.  But all of a sudden we’re dealing with DRACO!  A snowstorm that turns rain into snow and muggles in to turds.  How is anybody supposed to make fun of a kid named Draco, when being named Draco is already grounds for getting made fun of?

Look, it’s weather, not an evil child wizard.  Let’s stop pretending that every snowstorm that drops 6 inches of snow is going to end the world. If a snowstorm comes with 90 mph wind, drops 7 feet of snow, or rains babies from the sky, then I think it deserves to get named, but don’t start naming regular storms, just so you can create hype behind something that has happened since the beginning of time.

Oh nooooo.  A snow swath, which is actually just another name for where the snow will be falling, is usually portrayed by some sort of animated snowflake, but now it seems that Draco is so much more than just a regular storm, and deserves words like ‘swath’ and ‘blitzes’.  I wonder what else the “News” channels have up their sleeves? I bet when they’re showing footage of people braving the elements, they’ll slip in some old footage from Star Wars Episode 7 (the 2nd Star Wars for anyone born before 1990).

Wow? That weather looks miserable.  I better get to the nearest Walmart and purchase 300 TV dinners and some butter so I won’t perish during the storm of the millennia.  It’s crazy.

In the book “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”, the people of Chew and Swallow didn’t name their storms, and their storms rained giant pancakes, donuts, and spaghetti.  They closed schools.  People died.  They eventually had to relocate to a different continent, and they still didn’t name their storms.  They were just regular storms.  NBD.

I guess whoever is doing this felt the need to make DRACO!!!!!!!! a big deal since there isn't anything else going on in the world that they could blow out of proportion. . . .

Thank you Weather Channel, and the other idiotic news outlets.  You have succeeded in sensationalizing the mundane.  I look forward to next spring when you try and spoon feed us. . . Väinämöinen: The off-and-on spring thunderstorm that’s causing massive amounts of growing to occur.