Sunday, September 16, 2012

The Innocence of Muslims: Kind of Just a Shitty (sorry mom) Movie


So. . . . . . I watched it.  All 13 minutes and 50 seconds of it, and I’m not going to lie.  It was a really shitty (sorry mom) movie.  Not like offensive, although I could see how it would be to a Muslim population, more like Plan 9 From Outerspace, the movie Jerry Seinfeld labeled “The worst movie ever made!”.  It’s like that, but in color.  Here is a list of everything that was bad about it, and maybe an explanation why.

1.  The green screen scenes were shitty (sorry mom) – They didn’t choose a background where they’d merge seamlessly, they decided to choose a background where it would obviously look like they weren’t actually in the scene.
2.  The acting was shitty (sorry mom) – I’ve seen better acting from the LARPers at the park down the street.
3.  The fake beards were shitty (sorry mom), the costumes were shitty (sorry mom) – Do you remember that episode of Jackass where some guy gets pubes glued to his face? That’s what the beards look like.
4.  The dialogue was shitty (sorry mom) – Most of the time, I was lost by what they were saying.  I seem to remember them ending the sentences with prepositions a lot, which I remember being a pretty big no no. . . . at.
5.  I couldn’t even follow the plot – It jumped around so much.  I feel like at some point, they traveled back in time, but I’m not too sure.
6.  The audio sounded hollow. – Did they record the audio in a room lined with tin, because it sounded tinny.  Idiots.
7.  The Lighting was bad. – Any person who has ever taken a myspace photo in the mirror knows that lighting from below makes the person look like a turd sandwich, but that’s exactly what they did in this movie.  I don’t see actual “actors”.  All I see are turd sandwiches in terrible costumes.
8.  The swords were obviously fake. – Nice job.  Where did you get your fake swords? Walmart?  Maybe take some time and spend some money and get real looking swords, instead of wielding around your nerf weapons.
9.  They cut out all the sex scenes. – WTF (what the French)?!?!?!  It’s common knowledge that sex sells.  If you want people to like your movie, you have to put gratuitous sex scenes in them.  Haven’t we learned anything from Game of Thrones?

I’m actually not even sure how anybody even took offense to this, given that they had to actually watch it.  If it weren’t in the news, I wouldn’t have even made it through the first 5 seconds.  I was going to do a big time coded segment where you’d be able to follow my commentary step by step, but I can’t make myself watch it again, it’s that bad.

I understand that people are offended by it, but personally, I’m offended that this made it on to youtube, and that says a lot because there are a lot of really really really shitty (sorry mom) videos on youtube.

PS, I was going to post a link, but I thought I’d do you a favor and save you some braincells.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Celebrity Activism: Effective, But Only If You Change the Meaning of the Word to “Not Effective at All and a Complete Waste of Time”


“Slacktivists are the hipsters of the digital world: everybody recognises them but no one claims to be one.” – Sarah Kendzior, a real life writer who is probably smarter than you.


#KONY2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anybody? No?

Crap, am I too late on this?  I just barely got the tweet from J-Beibs that Kony is on the campaign trail in Brooklyn and I thought I would just do my part by retweeting #KONY2012 so we can finally get him elected. I loved him in Predator, although he was just OK in The Sasquatch Gang.

Come on people! You need to know that celebrities and tweets change the world, not money and motivation

Ug. Ok, it’s hard for me to pretend to be fake serious about something that is just so effing stupid, it makes my brain hurt.

I first thought about this post back when the whole “kony” thing happened, but I wanted to wait and see how that turned out before I wrote anything, just in case it actually worked. It had serious “potential” until the creator, Jason Russell, had a meltdown in public, which isn’t that weird, because we’ve all had meltdowns in public. It’s just his was a naked meltdown, and generally those are frowned upon. It’s kind of a double standard since a naked baby having a meltdown would be acceptable, maybe even cute.

Public Naked Baby Meltdown = OK
Public Naked Grown Man Meltdown = Not OK

So why is this even a problem? Why do people think that tweets will change the world? In an age where issues come and go like a herpes outbreak on jersey shore, our attention span is shrinking. Who remembers the shooting in Colorado that happened last month? Probably only the people most affected by it. It’s no longer “news” and therefore irrelevant. Fading in to the annals of infamy, not to be confused with the anals of infamy, only to be remembered once a year on it’s anniversary . . . . maybe. Or, like Jay-Z so eloquently puts it:


I’m on to the next one
On to the next one
On to the next one
On to the next one
On to the next one
On to the next one
On to the next one

Hold up, freeze

Somebody bring me back some money please,

Hov on that new sh-t n-ggas like how come
N-ggas want my old sh-t, buy my old album
N-ggas stuck on stupid, I gotta keep it moving
N-ggas make the same sh-t, me I make the blueprint


Jay-Z, you have the classiest lyrics EVER.

Anyway, So when z-list “celebrities” like (and it pains me to mention her because it validates her existence) Kym Cardashiun tweet "#ArmenianGenocide!!!!!" to help commemorate a genocide early last century, people responded by retweeting “#ArmenianGenocide!!!!!”, which does what?

Nothing.

It does nothing, but take up valuable space on the internet.

I’m going to guess that people retweeted “#ArmenianGenocide!!!!!”, didn’t even know what the word “genocide” meant, forgot about it after 5 minutes, then went and grabbed a double cheeseburger. I only think that because that’s what I did.

Look, I really don’t have any answers for you. It’s clear to me that America has decided to not really try anymore, and this is the outcome.  I don’t think it’s any president’s fault, but if it was, it’d be Obama’s for shore.  It’s a shame.  I guess I’ll probably just sit here in my underwear and keep complaining because at the end of the day, I’m not doing this to change the world, I’m doing this to change myself.  #merica



Here are two opinion pieces by Sarah Kendzior that really drive the nail into the hopeful coffin of celebrity activism. Click HERE, or maybe even HERE. But Not HERE. And definitely Don’t click HERE.