So. . . . . . I watched it. All 13 minutes and 50 seconds of it, and I’m not going to lie. It was a really shitty (sorry mom) movie. Not like offensive, although I could see how it would be to a Muslim population, more like Plan 9 From Outerspace, the movie Jerry Seinfeld labeled “The worst movie ever made!”. It’s like that, but in color. Here is a list of everything that was bad about it, and maybe an explanation why.
1. The green screen scenes were shitty (sorry mom) – They didn’t choose a background where they’d merge seamlessly, they decided to choose a background where it would obviously look like they weren’t actually in the scene.
2. The acting was shitty (sorry mom) – I’ve seen better acting from the LARPers at the park down the street.
3. The fake beards were shitty (sorry mom), the costumes were shitty (sorry mom) – Do you remember that episode of Jackass where some guy gets pubes glued to his face? That’s what the beards look like.
4. The dialogue was shitty (sorry mom) – Most of the time, I was lost by what they were saying. I seem to remember them ending the sentences with prepositions a lot, which I remember being a pretty big no no. . . . at.
5. I couldn’t even follow the plot – It jumped around so much. I feel like at some point, they traveled back in time, but I’m not too sure.
6. The audio sounded hollow. – Did they record the audio in a room lined with tin, because it sounded tinny. Idiots.
7. The Lighting was bad. – Any person who has ever taken a myspace photo in the mirror knows that lighting from below makes the person look like a turd sandwich, but that’s exactly what they did in this movie. I don’t see actual “actors”. All I see are turd sandwiches in terrible costumes.
8. The swords were obviously fake. – Nice job. Where did you get your fake swords? Walmart? Maybe take some time and spend some money and get real looking swords, instead of wielding around your nerf weapons.
9. They cut out all the sex scenes. – WTF (what the French)?!?!?! It’s common knowledge that sex sells. If you want people to like your movie, you have to put gratuitous sex scenes in them. Haven’t we learned anything from Game of Thrones?
I’m actually not even sure how anybody even took offense to this, given that they had to actually watch it. If it weren’t in the news, I wouldn’t have even made it through the first 5 seconds. I was going to do a big time coded segment where you’d be able to follow my commentary step by step, but I can’t make myself watch it again, it’s that bad.
I understand that people are offended by it, but personally, I’m offended that this made it on to youtube, and that says a lot because there are a lot of really really really shitty (sorry mom) videos on youtube.
PS, I was going to post a link, but I thought I’d do you a favor and save you some braincells.