If I have to look at one more picture of a dog walking around on his hind legs because he’s missing his two front legs, i’m going to freak the eff out.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOHHHHHHNOOOOO I just choked out a stranger. That is how mad this makes me. Just to be clear, i applaud that dogs perseverance, but i've seen videos of it walking around and it's creepy.
This post started as one thing that I really hated about facebook (not about the site itself, but about the content that is being created because of it), but after consulting with a few trusted individuals. Blake and Mindy and Layne (you’re famous now), I decided to make this list of things that i wish you would stop doing, because I love lists and i hate that you do these things. Good luck.
1. No spray Tan – If Mitt Romney can’t get away with it, neither can you.
2. No duck face – Stop. Please Stop. With all the photos comparing duck faces to actual ducks, I figured you would get the hint, but I see that you haven’t, so here is this. “Hey girl doing duck face, you probably don't care, but everybody hates you". For more rants on duck face, click here.
3. Stop liking breast cancer posts – Hey man. Nobody likes breast cancer. It kills people. So why do you like breast cancer posts? If you want to do something about stopping breast cancer, fund breast cancer research, or better yet, fund breast cancer prevention research.
4. Vertical Video – If you were supposed to shoot vertical video, TV screens would be vertical. If you can’t see your entire cat in the video, take a step back.
5. Empowering the world by changing your status - click here.
6. Copy and paste statuses – Don’t ask me to copy and paste any status. I don’t care if doing so would save all the starving children in China. I’m not doing it. So eat some rice and go choke on that one.
7. No period talk – You. Yes You. The only people that need to know about your period are those that associate with you on a personal level, such as/and limited to: Boyfriend, husband. . . and that’s actually about it. I don’t talk about a bleeding wound on my arm. You shouldn’t talk about your bleeding vagina.
8. No abdomen shots – You have a six pack, I get it. I wish I had one of those, but I have a job, and life, so go to Gold’s Gym and work it out because that is probably the only good part about you. I’m saying you’re probably dumb as brick. A really dumb brick.
9. Passive aggressive facebook posts – Quit being a baby and just be aggressive. If you really are mad at Genelle, then tell her and work it out.
10. Celebrity Gossip – I don’t care that the Jonas brothers are no longer saving themselves for marriage. That’s their business, not yours.
11. Relationship Problems – OMG, my baby mama just cheated on me with blah blah blah. You’re making me feel uncomfortable. Please air out your laundry at home, not on facebook. Ps, if it’s dirty, then wash it. Don’t just air it out because it’s never going to get clean that way.
12. No poop talk - I took a huge dump today and it was amazing. I felt like a million dollars, but I don’t need to brag, and neither do you.
13. No gang signs – Unless you have a neck tattoo or have shanked someone, don’t throw up gang signs. We all know you’re not a banger. You probably eat cold cereal for dinner. A real banger would eat a baby. A baby burrito at Taco Time.
14. Profile pictures in bathroom mirrors (see also duck face) – Bathrooms are gross. I sometimes take poops in them (see also no poop talk). You probably do as well. It’s also kind of a private place. I really don’t want to show any one else where I do the doo doo, and neither doo you. Except my close friends. You know who you are. Wink.
15. Quoting an entire song on facebook – Could you please just paraphrase, or better yet, most songs could probably get boiled down to something like this: I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m glad, I’m hungry. So much shorter, but that would cause you to be vague which is the next one.
16. Vagueness: I’m not Sherlock Holmes. If you have an issue, then you need to state it, otherwise I’m not going to know. Don’t just put, I’m sad, I’m glad, I’m hungry, tell me why you’re sad or glad or hungry. For example. I’m hungry because all I’ve had for dinner the last 7 days is cold cereal and it’s getting old.
17. Weird cropped profile pictures – see link.
18. Incorrect spellings – At this point, I’m willing to settle for readable because if you’re posting something like this “AFAIUI ABITHIWTITB so m scool ws a CWOT, brb uraqt”, I’ve probably either stopped receiving notifications from you, or I’m just waiting to finally meet you in person so I can punch you right in the nose.
For more information on the human language, click here.
For a complete text – English language translation, click here.
19. Incorrect profile picture – Don’t put multiple people in your profile picture, but more importantly, if you need more than a 50% chance to guess that person, then why are you friends!?!?!? It makes no sense.
20. Last but not least, there is this, which also kind of ties to the very first photo.
This is a very beautiful picture. It does not deserve some idiot whoring it out in order to get facebook “likes”. I’m not even sure why you would do that!!!!! If I ignore it, it doesn’t mean I don’t respect the men and women in the military, nor does it mean that I don’t respect babies or airport seats, it means you’re an idiot and I’m not even going to argue with you.
Let’s all have a moment of silence for human intelligence. It was a long struggle, but in the end, it succumbed to breast cancer. If only people would have “liked” more of those statuses.
PS - feel free to like this post because the more “likes” I get, the more validated I become.
PPS - I'm probably guilty of all these, except for the spray tan and the six pack.