Friday, January 25, 2013

Bikram Yoga: Because Hanging Out At a Sweaty Sausage Party Is How I Would Prefer to Die.

I recently heard a story about a guy who experimented with a bikram yoga class, because bikram yoga classes are pretty much made up of pervy guys in spandex trying to rub up against sweaty girls in spandex, unfortunately, the “sausage” to “bun” ratio is so skewed that there is no room for any “buns” in the studio. Anyway, The instructor wouldn’t let him leave, and forced him to do sun salutations until he dropped.  Sad day.

In case you aren’t a yoga loving hippie, bikram yoga (hot yoga) is essentially yoga, performed by a bunch of perverted men in a “studio” that resembles the inside of a furnace, but sweatier.  They turn up the heat and humidity because they think that doing yoga in a hot and sweaty jungle is “cleansing”.  What they don’t understand is that they mixed up the meaning of the word “cleansing” with “stupid”.

What I don’t understand is why on earth you would subject yourself to torture like that? Seriously, they used similar techniques in Guantanamo Bay and that place was “shut down”.

Just to be clear, I’m not disrespecting yoga.  Stretching and relaxation is a good thing.  I am all for that.  What I’m not for is creating a yoga atmosphere similar to the planet mercury, just so you can pretend to be healthier and better than everyone else.  Look, you don’t need bikram yoga to feel like you’re better than other people.  You most likely have money, and that alone is enough to literally make you better than most people on the planet.

It’s like my mother used to say:
Mom - “matt, do you see all those sweaty idiots coming out of bikram yoga?”
Matt – “no.”
Mom – “those idiots.  Right over there [points to a group of idiots].”
Matt – “oh yes, I can see them.  They look like they were just waterboarded”.
Mom – “They might as well have been.”

Wise words from my mother.

In closing, I would like to mention 5 facts that I discovered after researching bikram yoga on the internet:
1. Bikram yoga does not make you better than people who do regular yoga.
2.     Bikram yoga does not make you healthier.  It makes you more gaunt looking.
3.     Bikram yoga classes are literal sausage parties.  Literally.  It’s so hot that men’s genitals bake within their black spandex.
4.     Bikram yoga is on par with public masturbation.  Thrilling to think about, but detrimental to society.
5.     Bikram yoga is as addictive as meth.

Remember.  Bikram yoga.  Not even once.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Meggings: Because Sometimes You Just Want People to Notice Your Scrotum

Early inhabitants of earth were naked.  Fact.  They walked around with their genitals all over the place and nobody cared at all.  Nobody.

Gathering baskets of fruit: Naked.

Making a cool canoe out of wood: Naked.

Cooking eggs for breakfast in the morning.  Naked.

Sword fighting: Naked.

All these activities were done without any sort of ball cover and people were cool with it.  Do you know why? Because they were simpler times.  Times when men could be men and women could be women. Times when it was totally normal to stand next to your neighbor, completely naked, and carry on a conversation about how you think this years crop isn’t going to be the best, because Doug, who lives two huts down, didn’t bother to spread poop on the veggies. But these simpler times are no more.  Now we can’t walk out of our house naked without someone calling the cops, or throwing up.  It’s ridiculous.  It’s nothing we haven’t seen.  Get over it.  That’s why I’m so excited for meggings to come in to fashion. Now, they're not a cure for those that like to be naked, but they'll work for now.

For those of you who aren’t in the know or are living under a stupid rock, meggings are leggings for men. For those of you even more stupid than that, leggings are skin-tight pieces of cloth that women wear, that cover up their skin, tightly, allowing people to visualize every nook and cranny, every camel toe or moose knuckle.  They really do make it easy to imagine people naked, which is why some schools have banned them entirely.  PRUUUUDES.  What’s next? Banning tube tops? Get a life.  They’re just clothes.

Meggings hearken back to the time when we could show people our scrotums and it was “all good”.  Now we can do it and remain "decent".  Truthfully, I own a pair of meggings, although I’m not confident enough to wear them by themselves.  I usually wear them underneath a midlayer.  Also, I call them long johns, but I think the idea is the same.

Meggings aren’t for everyone, though.  If you have thunder thighs (Chad), then you probably shouldn’t wear them, unless you want your thighs to look twice as large.  Also if you ever get erections, you shouldn’t wear them because they’d be impossible to hide.  Imagine wearing a pair of those in high school.  You’d get sent home for sure.  Scott Hall should also not wear them.  Other than that, meggings are a pretty well rounded piece of clothing that belong in every man’s arsenal of fashion.

Just to show you how diverse the crowd is that wears meggings, here are a few examples:

Here are two lumberjacks, undoubtedly just finishing up a weeklong crosscut class in the Tetons.

These 3 UFC fighters are all wearing meggings.  I can only assume that their cold steely gaze has won them many a bout.  Watch out Ken Shamrock, they’re coming for you.

Not getting enough attention as a rock god? Make sure that you get meggings that will really make you shine.  Literally.  These meggings will reflect the sun onto all of your fans to brighten their lives.  Be sure that your scarf length is long enough that it covers your balls (left pic).  If not, you can just use your hands (right pic)

Whether you’re young or old, small or tall, slender or thin, meggings are sure to find their way on to your shopping list this year. Below are some links to help you find the pair that’s right for you.

Good luck, enjoy your life of comfort, and don't let anybody tell you that you can't show off your scrotum.