Friday, January 25, 2013

Bikram Yoga: Because Hanging Out At a Sweaty Sausage Party Is How I Would Prefer to Die.

I recently heard a story about a guy who experimented with a bikram yoga class, because bikram yoga classes are pretty much made up of pervy guys in spandex trying to rub up against sweaty girls in spandex, unfortunately, the “sausage” to “bun” ratio is so skewed that there is no room for any “buns” in the studio. Anyway, The instructor wouldn’t let him leave, and forced him to do sun salutations until he dropped.  Sad day.

In case you aren’t a yoga loving hippie, bikram yoga (hot yoga) is essentially yoga, performed by a bunch of perverted men in a “studio” that resembles the inside of a furnace, but sweatier.  They turn up the heat and humidity because they think that doing yoga in a hot and sweaty jungle is “cleansing”.  What they don’t understand is that they mixed up the meaning of the word “cleansing” with “stupid”.

What I don’t understand is why on earth you would subject yourself to torture like that? Seriously, they used similar techniques in Guantanamo Bay and that place was “shut down”.

Just to be clear, I’m not disrespecting yoga.  Stretching and relaxation is a good thing.  I am all for that.  What I’m not for is creating a yoga atmosphere similar to the planet mercury, just so you can pretend to be healthier and better than everyone else.  Look, you don’t need bikram yoga to feel like you’re better than other people.  You most likely have money, and that alone is enough to literally make you better than most people on the planet.

It’s like my mother used to say:
Mom - “matt, do you see all those sweaty idiots coming out of bikram yoga?”
Matt – “no.”
Mom – “those idiots.  Right over there [points to a group of idiots].”
Matt – “oh yes, I can see them.  They look like they were just waterboarded”.
Mom – “They might as well have been.”

Wise words from my mother.

In closing, I would like to mention 5 facts that I discovered after researching bikram yoga on the internet:
1. Bikram yoga does not make you better than people who do regular yoga.
2.     Bikram yoga does not make you healthier.  It makes you more gaunt looking.
3.     Bikram yoga classes are literal sausage parties.  Literally.  It’s so hot that men’s genitals bake within their black spandex.
4.     Bikram yoga is on par with public masturbation.  Thrilling to think about, but detrimental to society.
5.     Bikram yoga is as addictive as meth.

Remember.  Bikram yoga.  Not even once.


Aimee said...

In defense of the studio I attend for that blasted Bikram Yoga, the ratio of buns to sausage is roughly 15:1, and they are all doing it in bikinis.

Sounds like your friend is going to the wrong studio.

Lara said...

This post is just...I am dying. I am mortified and endlessly entertained. Thank you!!