Monday, January 7, 2013

Meggings: Because Sometimes You Just Want People to Notice Your Scrotum

Early inhabitants of earth were naked.  Fact.  They walked around with their genitals all over the place and nobody cared at all.  Nobody.

Gathering baskets of fruit: Naked.

Making a cool canoe out of wood: Naked.

Cooking eggs for breakfast in the morning.  Naked.

Sword fighting: Naked.

All these activities were done without any sort of ball cover and people were cool with it.  Do you know why? Because they were simpler times.  Times when men could be men and women could be women. Times when it was totally normal to stand next to your neighbor, completely naked, and carry on a conversation about how you think this years crop isn’t going to be the best, because Doug, who lives two huts down, didn’t bother to spread poop on the veggies. But these simpler times are no more.  Now we can’t walk out of our house naked without someone calling the cops, or throwing up.  It’s ridiculous.  It’s nothing we haven’t seen.  Get over it.  That’s why I’m so excited for meggings to come in to fashion. Now, they're not a cure for those that like to be naked, but they'll work for now.

For those of you who aren’t in the know or are living under a stupid rock, meggings are leggings for men. For those of you even more stupid than that, leggings are skin-tight pieces of cloth that women wear, that cover up their skin, tightly, allowing people to visualize every nook and cranny, every camel toe or moose knuckle.  They really do make it easy to imagine people naked, which is why some schools have banned them entirely.  PRUUUUDES.  What’s next? Banning tube tops? Get a life.  They’re just clothes.

Meggings hearken back to the time when we could show people our scrotums and it was “all good”.  Now we can do it and remain "decent".  Truthfully, I own a pair of meggings, although I’m not confident enough to wear them by themselves.  I usually wear them underneath a midlayer.  Also, I call them long johns, but I think the idea is the same.

Meggings aren’t for everyone, though.  If you have thunder thighs (Chad), then you probably shouldn’t wear them, unless you want your thighs to look twice as large.  Also if you ever get erections, you shouldn’t wear them because they’d be impossible to hide.  Imagine wearing a pair of those in high school.  You’d get sent home for sure.  Scott Hall should also not wear them.  Other than that, meggings are a pretty well rounded piece of clothing that belong in every man’s arsenal of fashion.

Just to show you how diverse the crowd is that wears meggings, here are a few examples:

Here are two lumberjacks, undoubtedly just finishing up a weeklong crosscut class in the Tetons.

These 3 UFC fighters are all wearing meggings.  I can only assume that their cold steely gaze has won them many a bout.  Watch out Ken Shamrock, they’re coming for you.

Not getting enough attention as a rock god? Make sure that you get meggings that will really make you shine.  Literally.  These meggings will reflect the sun onto all of your fans to brighten their lives.  Be sure that your scarf length is long enough that it covers your balls (left pic).  If not, you can just use your hands (right pic)

Whether you’re young or old, small or tall, slender or thin, meggings are sure to find their way on to your shopping list this year. Below are some links to help you find the pair that’s right for you.

Good luck, enjoy your life of comfort, and don't let anybody tell you that you can't show off your scrotum.


MindySue said...

LOVE IT!!! I laughed out loud at Doug two huts down and all the pics. Great great post!

Lara said...

I choked when I read "moose knuckle".