Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Clayton Thompson: World's Worst Person. Possibly a Cannibal.

Just to be clear, the title isn't true.  It's actually far from it, but since this is "matt's blog of negativity" and not "matt's blog of warm and fuzzy compliments", I can't really be handing out praise, so pretty much everything that I say is opposite of what it actually is.

All photos are all scanned negatives shot on a Voigtlander Bessa medium format camera.

Ok, this is Clayton (photo above)(this is actually not the opposite of what i'm saying.  It is actually Clayton.  I can see how this might be a confusing blog post).  He is a woodworker (not opposite, he really is a wood worker).  He squints a lot, which makes him kind of ugly, but we're still friends when he needs a favor from me (not opp. . . . screw it, you can figure it out).

Clayton works with his brother, Joey, but doesn't want him to succeed, so sometimes he'll go through his wood like you see above, and he'll find the best stuff and take it in a corner and spray paint curse words all over them.  Bad ones.

Sometimes, when he makes a chair that is better than his brother's, he will walk around the shop, loudly proclaiming that he is the best wood worker of all time and that his brother should just quit to avoid the shame.  To me, this seems a bit rude, but I am not Clayton and my brain doesn't work the same.

Sometimes, when Joey is not working, Clayton will go and shave some wood off his tubafours.  This aggravates Joey because Clayton will always blame someone else, usually Chad, and will never admit to it.  

Clayton will also use Joey's tools without asking.  Above is Clayton using Joey's spoke shave.  Afterward, Clayton took his spoke shave out to the parking lot and drove over it with his car, which, in the wood worker's world is the ultimate put-down.

Despite being the world's worst person, he does make some pretty baller furniture, which kind of makes up for the whole cannibalism thing.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Harlem Shake: The People of Harlem Say Stop.

Harlem.  A world-renowned center of African-American culture (Wikipedia).  It was once in the running to become this nation’s capital, but came in third, close behind Chinatown, Pennsylvania, and our now current capital, Washington D.C. (nearfact).  Interesting fact (realfact).  Washington D.C. is not in Washington the state, just an fyi.  I was watching “are you smarter than a 5th grader” and it turns that I am.  That little jerk got it wrong.  What an idiot.

Anyway, once Harlem was out of the capital race, they turned their sights on dancing, which is kind of a weird switcheroo, but can you blame them?  For the next 200 years, the people of Harlem created every type of dance move, and rhythm known to man. Harlem is where all modern dance and rhythm originated.  Anytime you hear a beat, whether it’s on a drum, or on your pant leg, you can thank the people of Harlem.  You can also boo the people of Harlem for giving us the dougie.  Please, just take it back.

All of this is really interesting and 100% factual, which is why it really threw me off when I was bombarded by facebook posts about the “Harlem Shake”.  What is the Harlem Shake?

Here is what everybody outside of Harlem thinks the Harlem Shake is.

  1. Put on stupid helmet.
  2. Take pants off.  Maybe shirt.  Maybe both.  Maybe neither.  Maybe you're in a dinosaur costume.
  3. Dry hump the air in front of a group of people.
  4. Said group of people pretend not to notice.
  5. Person singing song yells “do the Harlem shake” in a low bass voice.
  6. Hard cut to everybody in the frame doing things that their mother wouldn’t approve of, ie. Dry hump more air.  Dry hump couch.  Dry hump guy next to you.  Dry hump girl next to you.  Dry hump chair.  Lay on back and dry hump air.  Lay on ground sideways and dry hump air.  Swing feather boa.  Wear sleeping bag like a worm.  Throw pizza.  Scalp teacher. Flail arms.  Flail legs.  Flail head. Get concussion. Etc…

Well, that’s the gist of it.  Basically it’s a bunch of people doing stupid things for attention.  Nice job people.  Way to get all that attention.  I bet your 1 million hits on youtube will be the highlight of your year/life.  Congratulations.

For those of you sick of all this baloney floating around the Internet.  Here is a quick video from the people of Harlem telling everyone else that they’re not doing the Harlem Shake.  Now, i’m no expert in dance, but if the people of Harlem are telling you that you’re not doing the Harlem shake, then you’re probably not doing the harlem shake.  Try calling it something else like, “look at me, I want attention”, or “look at me, I’m an idiot”, or maybe even, “look at me, I’m failing math.”  Just stop calling it the Harlem Shake because that’s not it.

Ug. Just knock it off.

On a different note, i will be co producing a call me maybe video, so stay tuned.

Just Stop it.  You look like a bunch of attention deprived idiots.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Primm, Nevada: An Oasis of Turds

If, for some reason, you want to get from California to Las Vegas (not sure why), you will most likely drive Northbound on I-15.  During the the late 50’s when I-15 was being formed, President Dwight D. Eisenhower referred to it as a “backwards intestine”, meaning when you travel up (north bound), you end up at the “sphincter of society”, referring to Las Vegas.  The people of Las Vegas couldn’t actually argue with him, hence the phrase; “I can’t believe I lost all my money inside of a sphincter!!!”. . . . Go figure.

Anyway, enough with the history lesson.

As you head northbound on I-15, you come out of the “mountains” and around the corner, heading toward the California/Nevada border.  Off in the distance, you see what looks like a city, but it’s all wavy like a mirage.  As you come to a hault on a traffic-jammed interstate, 20 miles from anything, you realize that It’s no mirage, but it’s also not a city. You have finally caught a glimpse of Primm, Nevada, population 436.  Now, Wikipedia doesn’t specify whether or not it is 436 people, so based on what I saw and the condition of the town itself, I would say that the 436 is referring to sheep, or some other animal.

But I digress.  Traffic jams.

When you’re stuck in a vehicle with your much more significant other, you realize that a traffic jam in the desert is the perfect way to test your relationship. Perfect in the sense that it is not perfect and you will end up looking like an idiot.  It’s like vacationing in a warzone, except less exotic, and more stressful. In fact, it’s so stressful, I’d say that any temper tantrums, swear words, hand gestures and impromptu anger naps that occur during said traffic jam cannot be used against me in the court of love.  Just saying.  Also, just to be clear, It’s not a good time to “test your relationship”.

Anyway, I don’t understand how Primm causes so much traffic.  Nobody knows. For miles, you can see the cardboard-cut-out-facades of the buildings and the giant crappy roller coaster, looming above everything.  Inching along the interstate, you suddenly believe in a God and you start to pray that the town of Primm be destroyed by volcano, but nothing happens. When you pass the town, the traffic jam stops.  While you’re passing it, you’ll notice a two things.

1.  Nobody is getting off the interstate to visit.  Those leaving are looking for a place to relieve themselves (#2), adding to the pile of crap that is Primm.

2.  The roller coaster isn’t going and even if it was, it’s laaaaaaaame.  It doesn’t even have any loops.   Everybody knows that a roller coaster without loops is like Fruit Loops without the loops.  It’s just fruit.  And fruit sucks.

The bottom line is that Primm needs to go.  Not in a violent way, mind you, but in a way that makes it disappear completely.  I am currently in talks with congress to try and move the town of Primm to a different location, but after talking with everybody it seems like nobody wants it.  I'm also currently petitioning David Copperfield to come down and make it disappear, however i've been doing some research and i'm starting to doubt whether or not the mountain actually disappeared.  Those are really my only two legit options.  I guess California could legalize gambling which would probably make it disappear, but that would be stupid.

Anyway, i'm bored, so I’m going to leave you with one unpunctuated run-on sentence that ties everything together.

Primm Nevada is an oasis of turds that causes massive traffic jams for miles that tests relationships in a negative manner and increases our dependency on foreign oil and makes people throw up and it gave Jacob nelson herpes so do your best to stay away from it because you will be sorry and if you do not then good riddance to you and I hope you fall out of the crappy roller coaster if they ever get it working but in case that you cannot get on the roller coaster because it does not work then I hope that you at least trip on your shoelace and chip your tooth

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Quitting Facebook: Ha Ha Ha. Yeah Right. Good Luck.

All abooooooaaaaaard.  Facebook is out, people.  Everybody is leaving for Google +. We’re all doing it.  C’mon!!!!  Let’s Go!!!!  This way!!!  C’mon!!!!  Yes.  Everyone.  Seriously.  No.  I’m Serious.  Everyone.  Well.  I mean, most people.  Yes.  Most people.  Like 70%.  What? Yeah, ok, maybe it’s more like 50%, but seriously, EVERYONE is leaving.  Literally.  Everyone.  What? You want proof?  The proof is in the pudding.  What do you mean, you don’t know what that means?  Ok, fine. 30%.  30% of Facebook is leaving.  Ug.  Fine.  Nobody.  Nobody is leaving.

Since the person that inspired this post “quit” Facebook, he probably won’t see this, which may or may not be a good thing.  I consider him a friend and I’d hate to lose him as one over a whole bunch of nasty little words, but sometimes even real life friends deserve to be put in the their place sometimes.  Like sometimes my grammar is terrible and my real life friends tell me.  (but seriously, don't tell him)

This post really isn’t about quitting Facebook.  Do you really think you’d be able to quit.  Haha.  Yeah right.  Your involvement with Facebook is similar to my friend Blake’s involvement with energy drinks.  Nobody is quitting anything any time soon. This post is more about how you quit Facebook. Do you silently slink back in to the shadows of the real world, free of it’s shackles, or do you shout at anyone that will listen, talking down to every person that reads your 3 ½ page long status update?

Look, If you want to quit Facebook, then good for you.  You’ll probably have a lot more time on your hands, but you don’t have to proclaim it like you’re better than everyone who has chosen to remain.  Just quit.  No fanfare.  No proclamations.  No “final words”.  People will figure it out and you don’t look like you’re starving for attention.

All that said, if you’re going to go and make a scene about it, you might as well make a list off all your Facebook friends that you hated and give reasons why, ie. . .

Nancy McPreggers – your status updates are less than desireable.  Could you please talk about something other than your baby.  It’s not even that cute.

Glen Coco – Nobody is trying to take your guns.

Fabio (no last name given) – Nice profile pictures.  Did all your “photographer” friends shoot those for your portfolio?

Anyway, before I actually take this further than I should and hurt people’s feelings, I’m going to stop. 

Besides, we all know that NOBODY QUITS FACEBOOK.