Monday, February 18, 2013

Primm, Nevada: An Oasis of Turds

If, for some reason, you want to get from California to Las Vegas (not sure why), you will most likely drive Northbound on I-15.  During the the late 50’s when I-15 was being formed, President Dwight D. Eisenhower referred to it as a “backwards intestine”, meaning when you travel up (north bound), you end up at the “sphincter of society”, referring to Las Vegas.  The people of Las Vegas couldn’t actually argue with him, hence the phrase; “I can’t believe I lost all my money inside of a sphincter!!!”. . . . Go figure.

Anyway, enough with the history lesson.

As you head northbound on I-15, you come out of the “mountains” and around the corner, heading toward the California/Nevada border.  Off in the distance, you see what looks like a city, but it’s all wavy like a mirage.  As you come to a hault on a traffic-jammed interstate, 20 miles from anything, you realize that It’s no mirage, but it’s also not a city. You have finally caught a glimpse of Primm, Nevada, population 436.  Now, Wikipedia doesn’t specify whether or not it is 436 people, so based on what I saw and the condition of the town itself, I would say that the 436 is referring to sheep, or some other animal.

But I digress.  Traffic jams.

When you’re stuck in a vehicle with your much more significant other, you realize that a traffic jam in the desert is the perfect way to test your relationship. Perfect in the sense that it is not perfect and you will end up looking like an idiot.  It’s like vacationing in a warzone, except less exotic, and more stressful. In fact, it’s so stressful, I’d say that any temper tantrums, swear words, hand gestures and impromptu anger naps that occur during said traffic jam cannot be used against me in the court of love.  Just saying.  Also, just to be clear, It’s not a good time to “test your relationship”.

Anyway, I don’t understand how Primm causes so much traffic.  Nobody knows. For miles, you can see the cardboard-cut-out-facades of the buildings and the giant crappy roller coaster, looming above everything.  Inching along the interstate, you suddenly believe in a God and you start to pray that the town of Primm be destroyed by volcano, but nothing happens. When you pass the town, the traffic jam stops.  While you’re passing it, you’ll notice a two things.

1.  Nobody is getting off the interstate to visit.  Those leaving are looking for a place to relieve themselves (#2), adding to the pile of crap that is Primm.

2.  The roller coaster isn’t going and even if it was, it’s laaaaaaaame.  It doesn’t even have any loops.   Everybody knows that a roller coaster without loops is like Fruit Loops without the loops.  It’s just fruit.  And fruit sucks.

The bottom line is that Primm needs to go.  Not in a violent way, mind you, but in a way that makes it disappear completely.  I am currently in talks with congress to try and move the town of Primm to a different location, but after talking with everybody it seems like nobody wants it.  I'm also currently petitioning David Copperfield to come down and make it disappear, however i've been doing some research and i'm starting to doubt whether or not the mountain actually disappeared.  Those are really my only two legit options.  I guess California could legalize gambling which would probably make it disappear, but that would be stupid.

Anyway, i'm bored, so I’m going to leave you with one unpunctuated run-on sentence that ties everything together.

Primm Nevada is an oasis of turds that causes massive traffic jams for miles that tests relationships in a negative manner and increases our dependency on foreign oil and makes people throw up and it gave Jacob nelson herpes so do your best to stay away from it because you will be sorry and if you do not then good riddance to you and I hope you fall out of the crappy roller coaster if they ever get it working but in case that you cannot get on the roller coaster because it does not work then I hope that you at least trip on your shoelace and chip your tooth

1 comment:

MindySue said...

You know what I got out of that... "MUCH MORE SIGNIFICANT RELATIONSHIP". So, did she stick around? Or did you scare her off with your napping and hand gestures?