Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Poor People: They’re so Poor

Poor people. Ug. I mean, what do you even want me to say? The proof is in the pudding. The poor pudding. The Kroger brand of pudding that doesn’t ever really mix up right, so you’re just left with puffs of sugar that explode in your eye when you get too close. Yeah, that kind of pudding. The pudding for poor people.

I recently watched a video about wealth inequality, and I must say, it almost had me convinced that it was a “problem”, but then I remembered KONY 2012, and how that guy ended up naked in public, and I stopped myself before sharing the link. I’m glad I did, because I think that video got it all wrong.
I mean, why are poor people poor? I spent a couple minutes scouring Wikipedia and found a couple reasons.
  1. No Interest. Poor people don’t want to be rich. Obviously this is the case, because this is America and if you want to be rich, you can. Fact. The only reason I’m not Scrooge McDucking my way around a pool of gold coins right now is because i have no interest to be more than what I am exactly at this moment, which varies depending on who you ask.
  2.  Laziness - They don’t work as hard as everyone else.  The other day, I saw a poor person working a poor person job (washing cars), and I was like, man, if you worked half as hard as a CEO of a big corporation, you’d be a millionaire. I mean, I could see that he wasn’t even scrubbing that hard, because his knuckles weren’t bleeding. Maybe if you put your back into it and scrubbed harder, you’d scrub some cash out of those cars.
  3. Poor Jobs – Why do they even continue to work low paying jobs. Like I said before. This is America. If you want to be a CEO, just put in an application like the rest of them. I’m sure CEO’s right now are sitting on their gold thrones, wondering why more people don’t apply for their position.
  4. Poor Babies Science has proven that the “poor jean” doesn’t exist, so why do poor people continue to hand-me-down their “poor jeans” to their “poor kids”? It’s sad because It’s almost like they completely lost the desire to give birth to a rich babies.
  5. Ignorance – Poor people have no idea what it is like being rich. If they really knew how awesome it was, they’d work harder.  Sure, they have shows on television like Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, Kourtney and Kim Take New York, Khloe & Lamar, Gossip Girl, Cribs, The Hills, 90210, NYC Prep, Fabulous Life Presents, Divas and Daughters, The Simple Life, Real Housewives, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, My Sweet 16, my Super Sweet 16, Texas Rich, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Millionaire Matchmakers, The OC (don’t call it that), Seinfeld, and The Osbournes, but poor people choose not to own televisions, so they have no idea what they’re missing out on.  If they only knew.
  6. Poor Schools – Why do poor people not go to better schools? It seems logical to me that if you went to a more prestigious school, then you’d get to meet a lot more successful people who in turn would help you on your quest for riches. So why do poor people only attend poor schools?  It’s weird.
This is AMERICA, the wealthiest most awesome country in the universe. We have the best of everything, including opportunities. You literally have to try not to be rich. Literally.  I bet if you grouped up all the CEO’s of all the companies in America, 2/3’s of them would come from humble beginnings and not extremely wealthy families, because money doesn't make more money, rich people make more money. Anyway, I would have put more bullet points down, but I have to go sabotage my career so that I don’t become wealthy. Good luck Poor people, maybe you should try hard for once.


Aimee said...

Great post. 3 quick things:

1. Excellent Scrooge McDuck reference.
2. It's "Gene" and not "jean"
3. I'm curious about the level of research that was dedicated to rattling off all those trashy tv shows.

keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

@Aimee - no research needed. He just looked at his DVR.