Monday, August 5, 2013

Whistleblowing 101: A Beginnners Guide to Not Ending Up In Jail


Like 99.95% of the popoulation, I spend my time at work reading news and watching cat videos instead of working. This keeps me up to speed on current events, so. . . . after much pondering and deliberation I came to the conclusion that because of the Bradley Manning case, people might be confused on how to properly inform others of unlawful activity. Below is a pretty straightforward list on how to approach the uncomfortable topic of being a tattle-tale.

  1. Don’t be a whistleblower. Trust me, It’s better if you just don’t say anything.
  2. If, for some dumb reason, you choose to ignore rule #1 and do it anyway, under no circumstances should you ever say anything bad (even if it’s true) about someone with power. Ever. I’m not talking about your local meat head down at the gym who can squat 400 pounds, I’m referring to people with “real” power. A good example of “real” power would be, I don’t know, the U.S. government, or walmart, or something like that. In this instance, the word power is interchangeable with the word “money”.
  3. If you choose to ignore #2, you need to be prepared for some consequences, such as but not limited to. . .
a.  Hanging out in a holding cell naked. To prepare for this, I would suggest feeling comfortable with your body. That way, when agents strip you of your clothes, they won’t be stripping you of your dignity. A good way to feel comfortable is to have a rocking six-pack. So do your self a favor and work on those abs a couple times a week, that way you’ll be able to stand around completely naked with the confidence of a thousand guidos. 
b.  Torture. Torture is a tricky one. It’s hard to train for something like that. If you’re really interested in torturing yourself, start small. I started waterboarding myself a couple weeks ago and I must say, I’ve started to enjoy it. I feel pretty confident that my cheerful demeanor would infuriate anyone that tried to waterboard me. Another good way to train yourself mentally would be to hang out with a bunch of teenagers, although you’re more likely to shoot yourself in the face than train, so. . . good luck.
c.  Being treated worse than a murderer. Because whistleblowers are the scum of the earth, it’s important that they’re treated as such. When I see photos of Bradley Manning walking around in handcuffs, I don’t see the tiny nerd that most people see. I see the real Bradley Manning. The monster behind the mask. He really is a terrifying individual.
d.  Bending over and allowing the government to insert their vague policies directly into your rectum. Not cool government. Not cool. At least buy my dinner.

So, I guess the take home in this would be that if you see something that might be illegal or morally wrong, like killing journalists, killing civilians, etc. . . You should probably do yourself a favor and forget you saw anything. Besides, it’s clear that the people running this country have a pretty firm grasp on what’s right and wrong and they’ll be more than happy to take care of the situation.

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