Sunday, March 24, 2013

Chad Parkinson: Dog Murderer Extraordinaire°

This is Kevin the dog.  Kevin is an idiot, but also very lovable.  Kevin disappeared two weeks ago under mysterious circumstances.
This is Chad.  Chad is a fine "woodworker".  One week ago, Chad came to work with a leather apron that strangely resembled Kevin, complete with eyeballs and dog hair.  now i'm no detective, but it doesn't take a degree in physics to look in to those eyes and know that Chad made Kevin in to that apron.

Note that the leather apron does indeed look like Kevin, the dog.  If you look close under his right hand, you'll see a hole where one of his eyes probably was.  Poor Kevin, the dog.
If you could hear what Chad is listening to, you would here this: "I did it all for the nookie (come on). The nookie (come on). So you can take that cookie, and stick it up your (yeah). Stick it up your (yeah).  Stick it up your (yeah). Stick it up your."  Real classy, Chad.  Real classy.  Why don't you join us in 2013.

At night, Chad slinks around SLC, cutting down trees.  He uses some of these trees to build "furniture", but mostly he just burns them for fun.
This is Chad's shop.  The number of energy drinks and snickers bars consumed at this shop would blow your mind, as well as your colon.
When Chad was younger, everybody called him "soft hands chad", because he had soft hands. . . naturally.   You can only take so much name calling before it effects you.  Sometime in early 2003, Chad had his name legally changed to Soft Hands Chad, but to be kind, we just call him Hands for short, except for this post, in which i'll refer to him as Chad.
This is a chair that Chad made.  It's ok.  I've seen better.  I'm not sure why he hung it on the wall.  Probably as a reminder to try harder.
Truth be told, Chad isn't actually making anything.  He tells people that he makes things, but then he just goes in and sands these shafts down to nothing.  Maybe someday, he'll graduate to real woodworking, but for now, he's content being a really good shaft sander.

°Just so we're all clear, at no time has Chad Parkinson ever murdered a dog in order to make an apron.  He is way too lazy for that.