Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Facebook Statistics: 5% of the U.S. Population is Forced into the Sexual Slavery Business Every Year.

I'm going to introduce you to the art of making a turd sandwich.  First, you put some nice things on top.  Maybe some bread.  Some Beaver Brand Honey Mustard (all caps).  Some Turkey, the country, not the meat. Also some spinach, probably some peppers. After you put all that on, you need to put a thick layer of turds down, followed by some nice cheese, possibly a provolone and swiss, and finish it off with some wonder "bread"º.  I prefer two different types of bread on my turd sandwich for variety, but you are more than welcome to do whatever you want.

Ok, to start off.  I have so much respect for people that go and run for causes.  Seriously.  To get out and raise awareness on an issue is a really cool selfless thing to do.  You're giving your time, one of the most precious things you have, to someone else that you don't even know because they are in a worse situation than you.  That's pretty cool.   I run for causes, but 9 times out of 10, it's cause I enjoy it. Zing! The 1/10 is because I don't plan my "potty breaks" appropriately, and I end up Usain Bolting my way to the "finish line".  Sometimes I barely make it. . . . Anyway.  Running for causes.  Great. Passing along fake statistics while promoting a run for a cause.  Not so great.

I recently read (i'm really sorry, i love you) "Every 2 seconds, a child is sold in to sex slavery in the U.S."  A Truly shocking statistic.  So shocking that I had to do some math.  With the help of my trusty abacus (look it up), I was able to crunch some numbers:

1 child every 2 seconds, equals 43,200 children a day, which equals 15,768,000 children a year.

So, according to facebook, roughly 5% of the population, or the combined populations of Alaska, Delaware, Hawaii, Idaho, Maine, Nebraska, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, West Virginia, and Utah, are sold into the sexual slavery business every year.  Truly,  a very shocking number.  Seems kind of steep to me, but I haven't done any research on the matter so I won't say either way. . .

While I do not condone the sexual slavery business, I feel like this country is run by fear, and part of that is because the people using facebook propagate this fear using bad statistics and untrue "knowledge".

I'm not saying that being sold into sexual slavery isn't a problem, i'm saying that it is a problem and more accurate numbers need to be passed around in order to take it seriously.  I realize that even when using correct numbers, you can get them to say pretty much whatever you want, but at least use the most accurate statistics you have available and let people figure it out, which is i guess what happened.  The problem is when people don't figure it out and just keep on passing along bad math.

This isn't just about fake statistics and the sexual slavery business.  This is about everything that we pass along on facebook as truth.

Oops, it turns out the President Obama does have a birth certificate.  My bad.  Yeah, that's right. it is your bad.  While you, along with every other birther, were worrying about some stupid non-issue that somebody made up for publicity, you were missing all the important things you could be complaining about, like, oh I don't know, how much time the president spends golfing, or what his wife wore to a gala, or using drones to kill 4 american civilians without trial.  You know, something important.

I realize that almost all of the information that is passed along on facebook is due to the fact that people are passionate about things, and that's great.  Be passionate.  Be passionate against the democrats because you think they're trying to turn our country in to a pre-1991 USSR.  That's awesome.  You have every right to think that.  Be passionate against the republicans because you think that they're trying to destroy every living thing on this planet for the sake of money.  That's great too!  Definitely take up causes against slavery and injustice and cats, but please, for the sake of everyone reading, do as much research as you can before you post your facts, because chances are, your facts are more near facts, and sometimes they're not even near facts, they're bald-faced lies that you really want to be true.

So, in conclusion (bottom part of the turd sandwich), you are all idiots and need to stop posting stupid near facts.

Dangit, I messed up and put more turds on the sandwich instead of finishing it off with a nice slice of wonder "bread".  My bad.

º Would you consider wonder "bread" actually bread, or would you consider it "bread"?

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Blair Witte: Too Cool For School. Seriously. She Didn't Graduate*.º

Blair, sitting under a freshly tagged wall, basks in the glow of the evening sun.  Here she contemplates the meaning of life, and also ways to shank Rudy.  Notice the switch blade in her hand.  A true killer.  When asked if she graduated high school, Blair said "matt, you're an idiot".  That's a confession if i've ever heard one.
Rudy, unaware of the danger around the corner, awkwardly stares at the camera.  Two things about this photo. First, If you concentrate like you're looking at one of those stupid 3d trick pictures that i could never see, it looks like rudy is missing hands.  Second, Rudy's shadow is really small and appears to be missing arms.
The afternoon sun casts shadows across the old milk factory.  Here is where 10,000 gallons of pure unadulterated milk flowed from the udders of some 200,000 unwilling participants.
The sun has a circumference of approximately 4,366,800 km, which is 2,713,403 miles if you're American.
Skip Armstrong gently sets the camera down in order to pick up some used gum that he found on the ground.  I told him it was gross and that it was too old, but he said, and i quote, "no gum is too old".  When he picked it up we realized that it wasn't actually gum, and that it was in fact a used needle, so. . . . . yeah.  don't do drugs.

A single shaft of light makes its way from the sun, approximately 149,600,000 km away, across the dusty floor, illuminating Blair's earlier tags.
Ryan Hudson takes a minute out of his day to organize some buckets.  When Ryan was younger, he won best bucket organizer at the county fair three years in a row.  Later in his life, Ryan was banned from bucket organizing competitions after testing positive for Ritalin.  When asked about this situation, he said "Matt, you're an idiot".
At the end of the day, when asked again about graduating from high school, Blair Witte singlehandedly punched out almost every panel on the garage door. Note to self.  Don't ask Blair about high school.

*She didn't not graduate.
ºAlso everything that is written in this post is not true.  Except for the part about Skip eating used gum.  That's true.