Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Upworthy: This Blog Post Will Make You Rethink Everything You Think You Know About Your Opinion Of Upworthy.

Because Upworthy sucks and the fact that you get tricked into that ridiculous twaddle means your opinion is wrong, and we need to change that.

I think the majority of people I know have, at some point in the past year, posted something to facebook from Upworthy, so yeah, the finger is pointed at you. All of you.

Let me tell you what’s wrong with Upworthy.

Their titles. . . .

In the history of human civilization, I don’t think anything has ever been created that is more annoying than Upworthy’s titles. I hate those titles more than I hate junior high kids, which says a lot since I was just hanging out at the mall uppercutting 14 years olds.

If you need examples of their shittery, the “ok” people over at Funny or Die did some work and created “upworthy” style titles for movies, which are funny enough to make it through about half of them, before getting the point, as well as getting bored. You’ll see that they’re all pretty much the same, similar to Devin Grahms youtube page.

To be fair, it’s not your fault.  The editors that create the titles are brilliant, and know exactly what to say in order to get page views, which is all this is really about; page views, which means advertisements, which means money. Just an FYI, to be extra fair, I’m really concerned about page views as well.  After I post, I sit at my computer and watch the number come in.  It’s a sad event that usually culminates with me driving to Village Inn to eat a few pies, while simultaneously yelling at the waitress for putting a tomato on my hamburger when I specifically asked her for no tomato.

The fact that they know exactly what to write so that people will share their horseshit content isn’t the issue. The issue is their horseshit content isn’t their horseshit content.  It’s somebody else’s horseshit content that they put on their horseshit website along with one of those horseshit titles.  THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING!!!! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. They’re just a content aggregator, an information parasite. They latch on the creative and slowly suck away all that is good and pure, turning it into a steamy turd sandwich on rye.

Yes, I realize that a lot of popular websites do the same thing, but just because everyone else is doing it, doesn’t make it right. If everyone listened to Nickelback and drove around with truck nutz hanging from their car, would you? Probably, because you’re an idiot, but that doesn’t make it right.

Websites like Gawker and Buzzfeed are also content aggregators, but at least they write something funny to go along with the “news” story.  Upworthy doesn’t even bother with that. They write one line that’s supposed to leave you so saturated, that you can’t help but watch. They don’t even do any research!!!!! They just look at other websites and pick up what’s starting to go viral.  It is absolutely insane that this website even exists.

In all seriousness though, the concept of getting a lot out of doing the minimal amount of work is how we do things here in America, so I shouldn’t be too upset. I guess I’m just miffed that I haven’t figured out the secret formula to my own lazy success story.

UPDATE: If you are regular Upworthy poster, just share the video straight from Youtube with your own title.  Just make something up.  Anything. Mash your fingers are the keyboard.  Anything would be better than reading the terrible titles from Upworthy.

1 comment:

Jacen Slater said...

This was spot on. So called reporting is the thing that annoyed me. Statement and opinion written as fact on particular post.
I will never read Upworth posts again.