Wednesday, February 12, 2014

The Gluten Free Fad: Stop Kidding Yourself.

Ok, first of all, the majority of you “gluten-free” jerkoffs aren’t gluten intolerant, so stop it. If I have to hear one more “Is this gluten free” from some hippie in Whole Foods staring at bread, I’m going to lose my shit.

I did some unbiased research for this post, googling “why are people so stupid that they think they need to be gluten free” and an article popped up from Slate, which as you all know Is a reputable news site. . .

I learned that Celiac Disease is different than having a gluten intolerance or wheat allergy. Unfortunately, most people think they are the same thing because they’re idiots.

To help you out, I’ve listed the definitions of all three.t

According to science. . . . . and Slate, “Celiac disease occurs in some people when fragments of gluten bond with intestinal proteins and provoke a powerful, misdirected immune overreaction from white blood cells. The friendly fire destroys the microscopic fingers called villi that line the small intestine and normally absorb nutrients.  Once bombed out, the intestine can’t function correctly, causing symptoms such as belly pain, diarrhea, iron deficiency, and other severe problems. It occurs in 1 out of 100 people and is under diagnosed. “

Wow, That sounds pretty terrible, and it is, but you probably don’t have that (if you do, then this post isn’t directed at you).  What you might have is. . . .

A wheat allergy, which is essentially like a peanut allergy where you have an allergic reaction to wheat. This might cause hives, sneezing, wheezing, and other side effects.  Feeling fat is not a side effect, so that means you probably have. . . .

A “gluten intolerance”, which is something you’ve made up in your mind so that you can think that you’re better than other people. Ha! Jokes on you.  You’re not.

Here’s a real intolerance; My intolerance for people who think they’re doing humanity a favor by not eating products with gluten. All you’re doing is wasting money. How about this. Instead of spending the extra cash on gluten free food, just give me the money and I’ll use it to wipe my sweaty body after I finish carbo-loading on wafers and bread.

Seriously, why would you subject yourself to the mediocrity of gluten-free lifestyle if you didn’t absolutely have to? Are you really trying that hard to impress your friends? Maybe you should take a step back and examine your definition of friendship because real friends wouldn’t care if you ate gluten. They wouldn’t even care if you ate Taco Bell 5 times a week as long as it made you happy. You can’t tell me that sifting through the gluten free isle, like Golem frantically searching through the mud for his ring, makes you happy. I mean you could tell me that, but I’d probably just spit in your face.

Remember. Friends don’t let friends go gluten free.