Friday, May 9, 2014

Vibram Five Finger Shoes: I Told You Those Things Were Stupid, But You Didn't Listen. Now Look What Happened.

Well sweet baby Jesus, today is my day. Both my achilles tendons are acting up and so is my knee, but I came home to find this little gem floating around Facebook. Now I feel like I’m in heaven, partially because of all the painkillers I took, but also because I feel like I’ve been validated by the Washington Post.

Long story short, a woman sued Vibram because Vibram lied to everybody and said those shitty little toe-shoes were the miracle cure for the modern athlete. No more aches and pains, your headaches will go away, and all that lower back hair you’ve been meaning to get rid of has magically fallen off. Turns out they didn’t actually do any research and just said those things to make money, which is completely unheard of.

I can’t say that I feel bad for any of the parties involved, though. I mean, they were stupid enough to buy those things in the first place, so part of me feels like they deserve to be injured, which sounds a bit harsh even coming from me, but sometimes the truth hurts. Especially when it’s in the shape of Matt’s Truth Hammer™ smashing your preconceived notions of what’s cool into tiny little fragments of baby tears.

Here is the real issue that keeps propagating the idea of barefoot running. It’s not that “born to run” book. You know that book. It’s the one people mention when they hear that you run. “Oh, you run? Have you read ‘Born to Run’? You should read it, it’s really good.” A) It’s not. 2) I have better things to do with my time, like stare at a wall. And D) my friend Ben swore by that book, until he pulled his calf muscle on a run. Do you know who has 3 thumbs and didn’t pull his calf muscle? This guy.

The real issue is the people who “claim” that they were able to “overcome” a “running” “injury” after they “wore” the Five Finger “shoes". Another similar one is about how “so-and-so” was “overweight” and they couldn’t “run” until they tried Vibram’s shoes and now they’re “5%” “body fat”, blah “blah” blah. I hate to break it to you, but you were probably better off staying overweight, because that’s not a sacrifice that’s worth anything. If I had to choose between wearing those shoes or wearing a fedora, I would choose naked, with a cactus tied around my scrotum.

The last thing people say about the shoes that gets me is that “any shoe that gets you moving is a good thing”, but I’m going to disagree because the only redeeming quality about those shoes is that it is basically like walking around with a red flag taped to your feet. You can bet that there is a correlation between those shoes and the National Sex Offender Registry. I saw a guy in the airport about a month ago, standing in line, waiting to board, wearing his five finger toe shoes, and you want to know something? You can be sure that he wasn’t sitting in 1st class.