Blah blah blah, look at me, I’m a good person and I like to waste water, blah blah blah. I’ve been dreading getting on Facebook as of late. Partially because it’s sad to see a slow decline in Facebook friends, but also because I started seeing the Icebucket challenge, and I knew it was inevitable that I would eventually be “called out” and forced to address a topic I’d rather not address.
Well, rest assured, you can bet your ass I’m not going to parade myself around dumping water on my head solely for the purpose of showing my online friends how much better I am than they are. And you can doubly rest assured that I would never tell anyone if I donated to a charity because what I do with my money is my own business, so you can just go choke on a hotdog.
That being said, as much as I hate hashtag activism, this internet meme is actually raising money for a good cause, as opposed to other online fundraisers who raise money to make potatoe salad. I think we can all agree that we’re just really jealous we didn’t think of that one.
If you’ve done any research (googling) on the issue at all, you’ve realized that ALS, which is short for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, is a neurological disease that basically shuts down muscle functions such as moving your arms and legs, swallowing, or breathing. You’ve also probably seen some negative press with titles that read something like “27% of the profits go to research”, or “Only a fraction of ALS donations actually go to research”, which, based on the ALSA’s records is true, however, two things. . .
1st. That’s kind of a weird statement, saying that a fraction of something is donated, because 99/100 would also be considered a fraction. I know they were trying to make it sound like a bad thing, but when I see a fraction has been donated, I’m thinking a very large fraction. I guess that’s because I’m an optimist.
2nd. After doing a bit more research (googling), I found that according to the ALSA, 27% of donations go to research (note that when donating, you can opt for all of your donation to go to research), however 19% goes to patient and community services, which I can only guess means, taking care of people who already suffer from ALS, and 32% goes to public and professional education. So, according to my calculator, since I lost the ability to add when I left college, 78% of donations go to raising awareness, helping people already afflicted with ALS, and research. That’s actually pretty good, considering Kim Kardashian keeps 90% of her proceeds from her “charity” auctions. What a nasty little troll.
I guess what really bugs me about the challenge is that it’s morphed into this social exposé on goodness. People aren’t even following the rules. COME ON PEOPLE. FOLLOW THE RULES. The rules say: use hashtags #icebucketchallenge, #alsicebucketchallenge, and #strikeoutals. This is really the only rule anybody follows because hashtags are easy. It also says use common sense and don’t hurt people. I’ve seen countless videos online of people accidentally dropping buckets on heads because they can’t lift the bucket of water. Hasn’t anybody heard of Crossfit? The rules also say that if you’re in an area affected by drought, you should maybe think about not doing the ice water part of the challenge, and just share info about the disease, or make a donation to the cause. That part really bugs me because I went on a run yesterday and ran out of water with like 5 miles left and I got really thirsty. I could have used some. Thanks a lot, jerks.ª
So, as much as I want to hate this, and as much as I want to just make fun of everyone for doing it, I can’t totally do that. What I can do is issue my own challenge. It’s the ALS No Shower Challenge. #DIRTYFORADAY. Here’s what you do. You don’t shower for a day, because that’s going to fix the drought, and then you donate money to the ALSA, but here’s the kicker. . . You don’t tell people that you donated money. I know what you’re thinking. How are people going to know you’re a good person if you don’t tell them you’re a good person? Well, they’ll smell you and know that you’re participating in #DIRTYFORADAY. It’s a win-win. You don’t seem like an ego-centric blowhard, but people still know you’re a good human bean.
So good luck out there. Donate money to a good cause, but don’t tell me about it, because I don’t care.
ªBut seriously, The only thing that bugs me more than wasting water on the icebucket challenge are people that complain about wasting water on the icebucket challenge, because the same people who complain about wasting water probably take 20 minutes showers, and leave the faucet running while brushing their teeth, which wastes way more water than a half full 5 gallon bucket of water.