Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The Matt Walsh Blog: A More Popular Version of That Kid You Really Just Wanted to Punch In The Face When You Were Younger

Every day when I wake up, I think to myself, “I’m not going to get mad today”, then I find myself wandering around the Internet looking at pictures of five finger shoes and perusing the new Nickelback album.  It never fails that I will end up reading something that makes me mad and 10 times out of 10, if I read the matt walsh blog of terrible ideas, I get mad. I don’t even want to post a link here because of how idiotic his opinion is.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure matt walsh as a person is ok, I guess. It’s just the idiotic words that flow out of his ignorant little head and the general composition of his features that makes me want to smash them with a garden gnome, but seriously, I’m sure he’s an ok guy. I mean, everything about him makes me want to use his body as a humanskateboard and grind his face on the coping, but i'm sure he's nice. Just kidding. I’m not that good at skateboarding, so I’d never be able to pull off a sick grind like that.

Let’s start with this, it’s a summary of what mr. walsh’s inflammatory bullshit looks like, except it’s from a blog saying that it sucks. I just didn’t have the heart to send you to the actual site.  If you really really want to read it, you can check out the link here, or you could just poke yourself in the eye.

Ok, basically, I’ll give you a mega summary: matt walsh is a dick, and he thinks he knows more about life than anyone else (I realize how hypocritical that last statement might seem). Underneath the title of his blog, he has this terrible little catchphrase. . .

Absolute Truths (and alpaca grooming tips)

First of all, saying truths are absolute is redundant, just like saying "armed gunman", unless you’re literally talking about their arms, but that would just make you a terrible writer. Second, adding “alpaca grooming tips”doesn’t make you funny, it makes you liar, because I’d bet your first born child that you have no idea how to groom an alpaca. Your understanding of humor is very limited.

It’s not really just his catchphrase that bugs me though, maybe it’s the way that he tries too hard.  Like, we all know you want to be seen as this hip, cool guy. There is no need to be holding a glass of whiskey or have those tattoos sneaking out of your t-shirt. We get it. You think you’re edgy. I’m sure your mostly young, very conservative, target demographic just thinks you’re the craaaaaaaziest, and you are, just not in the way that you’re thinking.

More guy talking to himself on the street, less cool professor who still wears all his shirts from the 80’s.

And why am I not surprised that you have stack of books in your cover photo. You could have chosen a stack of anything: flapjacks, cds, fruit, anything! But no, obviously you used books. It is obvious that you need people to think you can actually read, but based on your opinions, it appears your reading has been mostly confined to the “how to be an ignorant racist” category. You should really branch out!

Here is an excerpt from a follow up post he did, after he posted a post about people dealing with depression and suicide. People lost their minds and posted a lot of posts how ignorant his initial post was.

“When I clicked “publish” on that piece, I felt confident. I was sad that it had to be written (It didn’t. seriously. You didn’t HAVE to write it. You had a choice. You should have chosen to just throw up in the toilet instead of on the Internet), and upset about the circumstances surrounding it (I’m sure you were), but sure that I was saying something that needed to be said; something truthful but uplifting (It wasn’t), frank but compassionate (Nope. You’re an asshole). I actually found myself getting emotional as I wrote it (I’m sure you did) I’m not suicidal but I have demons of my own (writing inflammatory shittery isn’t a demon, so I’m not going to count that), so I submitted that post to the public (oh, thank heavens. We all wanted to read what you were thinking. Seriously. Thanks for that. I haven’t been able to sleep because I was wondering what sort of things were troubling you), praying others would find the same solace in the promise of hope and the power of free will.” (Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. This goes on for quite sometime. I didn’t read it. Neither should you, unless you feel like getting upset.)

As I was forced to write the commentary on that excerpt you just read, I got emotional because of how true all of my statements are, regardless of how I can’t back them up with anything but pure opinion.

To give you more of an example of who this guy has built himself into, here are some titles from his blog :

- “I will not teach my kids about safe sex because there is no such thing”
- “I’m spoiled and lazy but Walmart should pay me more money anyway!”
- “Police officers aren’t the ones destroying the black community.”

Clearly, he is the voice of reason. He’s so reasonable, there is a website solely dedicated to rationally explain his reasoning.  It’s called. and it’s definitely worth a look. I think Kirsti, who runs that website, said it best. . . “what matt lacks in empathy and tact, he makes up for in narcissism and self-promotion”.

I agree with her but would actually add, “what matt lacks in empathy, tact, compassion, common sense, good opinions, and valid points, he makes up for in narcissism, self promotion, his bad taste in hats, and an astounding knack for just being a plain old dick.


Bloomability said...

He's the worst. I was just telling Korv how much I think he's the worst. At this point, hearing his name makes me want to punch small children...which is very out of character for me...but that's how much he angers me. Lovely post Matt.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. I just became aware of this guy's existence and he annoyed me so much---a know-it-all twentysomething dude who thinks he's got it all figured out and should lecture the rest of of us about how to live---that I had to go looking for some detractors in order to feel better about humanity. Sad, really, what a lifetime of marinating in the privilege of being a clueless white dudebro can do to someone.

Lauren wheeler said...

Sorry I Didn't know how to post on your other page I have adhd and I find it very offensive I have Tryed so hard to get to university and I won't have people like you trying to take away from that. Adhd is not a picknick you get constant head aches so far this time iv had one everyday for the past two months it feels indescribable horrible like the skin on my head is to tight for my brain like their are needs being pushed into my Brain I wouldn't wish it on anyone so many you should stick to what you know and stop writing about complex mental health problems. I did extremely well and school have an amazing mum I'm training to be a teacher I it's not bad parenting and stupid children it is a mental health illness. I also have dyslexia and dyspraxia wanna make fun of them too ??

Lauren wheeler said...

It's like *

Anonymous said...

Matt Walsh is awesome!! I'll give you the fact that he is overly confident but the man knows what he believes. I thought the left was all about tolerance. I am reading alot of hate being spewed towards Matt.

Anonymous said...

That's the website that explains why he was fired from his radio
Show in Kentucky.

And this his racist rants

This is him at a teaparty event

Pass it around!

Ocd said...

Years later and people are still finding this article by rage-googling "Matt Walsh is a f******g d**k.
Without the astericks.