Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Upworthy: This Blog Post Will Make You Rethink Everything You Think You Know About Your Opinion Of Upworthy.

Because Upworthy sucks and the fact that you get tricked into that ridiculous twaddle means your opinion is wrong, and we need to change that.

I think the majority of people I know have, at some point in the past year, posted something to facebook from Upworthy, so yeah, the finger is pointed at you. All of you.

Let me tell you what’s wrong with Upworthy.

Their titles. . . .

In the history of human civilization, I don’t think anything has ever been created that is more annoying than Upworthy’s titles. I hate those titles more than I hate junior high kids, which says a lot since I was just hanging out at the mall uppercutting 14 years olds.

If you need examples of their shittery, the “ok” people over at Funny or Die did some work and created “upworthy” style titles for movies, which are funny enough to make it through about half of them, before getting the point, as well as getting bored. You’ll see that they’re all pretty much the same, similar to Devin Grahms youtube page.

To be fair, it’s not your fault.  The editors that create the titles are brilliant, and know exactly what to say in order to get page views, which is all this is really about; page views, which means advertisements, which means money. Just an FYI, to be extra fair, I’m really concerned about page views as well.  After I post, I sit at my computer and watch the number come in.  It’s a sad event that usually culminates with me driving to Village Inn to eat a few pies, while simultaneously yelling at the waitress for putting a tomato on my hamburger when I specifically asked her for no tomato.

The fact that they know exactly what to write so that people will share their horseshit content isn’t the issue. The issue is their horseshit content isn’t their horseshit content.  It’s somebody else’s horseshit content that they put on their horseshit website along with one of those horseshit titles.  THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING!!!! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. They’re just a content aggregator, an information parasite. They latch on the creative and slowly suck away all that is good and pure, turning it into a steamy turd sandwich on rye.

Yes, I realize that a lot of popular websites do the same thing, but just because everyone else is doing it, doesn’t make it right. If everyone listened to Nickelback and drove around with truck nutz hanging from their car, would you? Probably, because you’re an idiot, but that doesn’t make it right.

Websites like Gawker and Buzzfeed are also content aggregators, but at least they write something funny to go along with the “news” story.  Upworthy doesn’t even bother with that. They write one line that’s supposed to leave you so saturated, that you can’t help but watch. They don’t even do any research!!!!! They just look at other websites and pick up what’s starting to go viral.  It is absolutely insane that this website even exists.


In all seriousness though, the concept of getting a lot out of doing the minimal amount of work is how we do things here in America, so I shouldn’t be too upset. I guess I’m just miffed that I haven’t figured out the secret formula to my own lazy success story.

UPDATE: If you are regular Upworthy poster, just share the video straight from Youtube with your own title.  Just make something up.  Anything. Mash your fingers are the keyboard.  Anything would be better than reading the terrible titles from Upworthy.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Click Share If You Like This Blog Post: The Forced Virility* Trend

The irony and hypocrisy that is about to rain down upon you is thicker than Troy Polamalu’s flowing mane, so be prepared to roll your eyes and slow blink your way to a face of complete disapproval.  Or not.  I don’t care.

Because of the nature of blogs, broaching the subject of forced “virality” is kind of tricky.  Yes, I would be happy if people liked my writing enough that they thought it was good enough to share.  Who wouldn’t be? No, I don’t really care if people don’t like my writing enough to share, because I’m not really writing for other people, I’m writing as an outlet so I don’t punch the checkout lady when she gives me sass for not remembering the PLU number for bananas (4011). Like that’s my job.

The issues that I have aren’t necessarily the videos that go viral, but the people shooting the videos and uploading specifically to become Internet famous.  What is “Internet famous”, you ask? To sum it up in a short sentence, it’s being famous on the Internet, for doing something.  Sometimes it’s something cute, like a cat. Other times it’s endearing, like a soldier surprising their kid at a baseball game (we’ll revisit this one further down). Mostly though, it’s just people being a complete waste of resources on the planet.

David After Dentist” was funny. His dad had a funny moment with his son that he thought other people might find funny, so he shared it and people loved it and shared it some more.  There is nothing wrong with that, but the minute that David’s dad shoots another video of David doing something “adorable”, just to take advantage of his son’s Internet fame, David’s dad falls into the category of people I’d like to slap in the face.  Not a slap coming from the side that would hit the cheek and maybe ear, but a slap straight on that would hit all of his front features. It’s a pretty huge category of people, in case you’re wondering.

Case in point. “Tan mom”, a mother who was accused of forcing her 5 year old child to tan at a tanning salon, became an “internet sensation” aka, waste of skin. She then proceeded to make a music video, which is terrible. Don’t watch it. Seriously, I’m regretting even putting the link there. It’s people like this that have single handedly ruined one of the greatest inventions of all time.  What did the 5 fingers say to the face?  SLAP!

Despite my despise for these types of people, I really can’t put all the blame on the mentally challenged trolls that force feed the masses, because the media plays a huge roll in what goes “viral”.  The videos of soldiers coming home from war and surprising their kids at baseball games is a great example of the media taking something amazing, like a huge chocolate chip cookie, and then taking a dump on it.

I know it’s not just the media, and it’s probably also the families who just want to be Internet famous, but why do people have to take such an intimate moment and broadcast it for the whole world to see? Wouldn’t it make it that much more special if it was just a moment they shared with their close family? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I cry every time I see one of those videos, but that’s because I have the emotional stability of a menstruating 15 year old, not because I like them. Damn you for taking advantage of my emotions like that.

To me, it’s strangely similar to the people that all of a sudden became super patriotic and started selling American flags or those ribbon magnets after 9-11. You didn’t care about your country. You saw a market and you used people’s emotions to exploit it.  These sociopaths see a niche on the Internet and because they didn’t receive attention as a child, they think that the world needs to see them acting like an idiot.  I think I speak for most of the planet when I say, “we’ll be ok without your contribution to the already 400,000 Harlem Shake videos online”.  How about you make yourself useful and see how long you can hold your breath?

But seriously, I’m just jealous.


* I know the title should be “virality” and not virility, but the imagery was too amazing to pass up. HA! Forced virility . . . . . “ You will be virile, or I make you virile. You’re in my world now, grandma”.