Wednesday, July 9, 2014

3 Wheelers: A Conflict of Numbers


Before I start this, I’d like to note that anything negative written in this blog post about three-wheelers does not include any 3-wheeler made in the 70’s or 80’s. So don’t worry, Scott Hall. As I’m sure you have a handful of those on your farm, I just wanted you to know that you’re safe.

Anyway, I was texting and driving like a normal person down the interstate, when I looked up just in time to pass closely by a three-wheeler, operated by a tiny woman. It was raining outside, and she looked miserable. As I passed mere inches from her, my only thought, besides “did I miss the exit for Taco Bell™”, was that maybe she should add a wheel to the Turdmobile™ she was driving. Also, maybe add a roof, and some doors to it as well.

Why are these a thing? Why do they exist? At various points throughout our life, we all like to reflect on our own existence. But now I’d like to call on you to direct those “reflecting skills” toward trying to figure out why anybody would be caught dead on something like this. I know the saying is “I wouldn’t be caught dead”, but  to tell you the truth, I would be ok if my friends saw my severed head on the seat  as long as I was wearing a brown grocery bag with eye holes cut out.

The “Can Am Spyder” is hands down, the worst invention of all time. Worse than fixies, worse than the Segway, even worse than Obamacare. I say this because it goes against everything good that humanity has to offer. Civility? None. Gumption? Nope. Good looks? Nay, it’s like the Quasimodo of street vehicles: While generally it means well and sounds like a normal machine, it falls a bit short and looks gross.

The website itself is pretty standard, nothing unusual to it, however on one of the pages it scrolls through, It has some interesting copy.  It says: “See how far Drew Brees is willing to go, to feel the exhilaration of a Can-Am Sypder.”

Ok. . . .

My first question is. . .
  1. Who is Drew Brees? (I don't know)
  2. Why should I care who Drew Brees is? (I don't know)
  3.  Is Drew Brees the bees knees? (Maybe to his mom, but not to me)
  4. How many bee knees does it take to make you want to care about Drew Brees? (7)
  5. How much cumulative honey could said bees make? (42)
  6. How much money does it take to convince someone “famous” to debase themselves enough to get behind something as ridiculously stupid as the Can-Am Sypder? (Hopefully a lot)
  7. Are the creators of the Can-Am Spyder aware of their own creation? (No)
  8. Are they embarrassed? (Yes)

They Should be.

I realize that this Frankenstein of an invention appeals to those that can no longer ride motorcycles, but seriously, have some respect for yourself. I know that the motorcycle is a type of “sanctuary” for you, but this is not the answer.


To the few people that cannot listen to reason, let me point out that the Can-Am Spyder starts out at $15,000, which is about what you could pay for a nice car that comes with a roof, an extra wheel, and some class.