Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Eye Contact at the OR Show: Less Common Than a High School Diploma at a Nickelback Concert

Pull out your flannel and trim your beard pubes, It’s time for the thirdª greatest show on earth. Yes, the Winter OR show; A magical STD-filled event, where everyone tries really hard and no one really cares.

For those that don’t know what the OR show is, just stop reading because, like, ug. . . you just don’t get it.

Just kidding. But seriously, stop.

For those that are already in the know, let’s recap.

The OR show is a gathering of tens of people trying to create successful businesses, and tens of thousands of people trying to create successful tinder profiles. Sprinkled in are a few confused individuals who accidentally set up their booth at the wrong convention and even a few more that are probably just lost. Regardless of why anyone is there, one thing is certain; Nobody will be making any attempt at eye contact during any conversation.

This is a huge pet peeve of mine, one that not only am I insanely annoyed by, but one that I’m also guilty of.

Here’s the scenario:

You run into Brohbrah McFlannelstien over near the leather goods. He’s creeping from behind the homemade running sandals at the women over in the GoPro booth and you accidentally get caught in the cross pervs. You haven’t seen him since the summer show and you seriously rack your brain, trying to remember where you first met him but to no avail.

So what do you do, ignore him? Hell no. You want to be seen talking to as many people as possible, so you get in there and you do your bi-yearly dick measuring, making a point to forget everything he’s saying, while scanning the surrounding area for people that you know, hoping that they see you talking to someone.

The guys that are really good at this have trained their eyes to look straight at you, while their brain is processing everything in their peripherals. It looks as if they’re really interested in what you’re saying, but 9 times out of 10, they’re just looking at boobs.

Now, despite having zero interest in actually doing any of this, here are some ideas that might be able to help you focus on all the compelling conversations you are about to have.
  1. Adderall – despite being a prescription drug, I’m sure that 90% of the people working at Jimmy Johns have at least a couple days worth of Adderall, so next time you see one of them track-standing at a stoplight, don’t be afraid to compliment him on his balance and ask him for some.
  2. Cocaine – I had to google this one, because I’m about as illicit as Whoopee Goldburg in Sister Act I (not II), but according to the Thought Catalog, you can just do cocaine and it’ll help you focus. I’m not actually sure if the article says that. I read the title, started reading the first paragraph, then got distracted writing this incredibly cliché joke about having no attention span.
  3. Penis – Upon meeting, quickly draw a penis in between the eyes of the person you’re talking at. This isn’t so much a cure as it is a cover. Yes, you won’t be able to look away, but your conversation will also probably not venture far from the fact that you just drew a penis on their forehead. It’s a catch 22.
  4. Glasses –You could just wear those glasses that have a picture of your eyes open (make sure to not get the ones that are on the slinky’s), This is also not a solution, but at least they wouldn’t see you looking around like a kid in a candy store. *side note* I had initially written “looking around like a pedophile in a Chuck E. Cheese’s”, but thought it was less relevant, since nobody goes to Chuck E. Cheese’s.
  5. GAS – Short for Giving A Shit. This is by far the hardest of all the ideas, and I would say that the majority of readers (6/10) won’t be able to do this. The problem with GAS is that it has to be genuine, and that pretty much goes against everything that the OR show stands for.

So, unless you have a lazy eye, don't expect people to stick around when they notice you're more interested in what free item they're giving away at the barefoot running booth.

I don’t know why it really bothers me that much. Uhhhh, maybe because It's rude. 

ª The first obviously being Barnum and Bailey’s and the second being any Def Leppard show taking place at a county fair.

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