Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Instagram: Justify My Selfie

On a top ten list of the worst things on the planet, Instagram selfies come in at #3, right behind reality tv, and right in front of accidentally cutting the tip of your penis off. If you laughed, you’re a terrible person because none of those things are funny, however, what is funny are people’s excuses as to why they post pictures of themselves.

Here are a couple examples of what I’m talking about.

[Happy Martin Luther King day! Hope you’re getting outside today. #ihaveadream]

When I first saw this caption I was speechless. I didn’t even know how to respond. Having had some time to think about it for a while now, I probably would have responded with, “I don’t think that phrase means what you think it means”, unless they know something about MLK’s dream that I don’t. Maybe he did dream about privileged white girls posting unnecessary photos of themselves. I don’t know. . . Anyway, just because I try not to only pick on privileged white girls, here is this little gem.

[Loving this lamb and cous cous!]

Oh really?! Please, tell me more about your dinner. I’m just dying to know what it was like. Lamb and couscous? Sounds expensive. Ralph Lauren? What style. It really looks like you were enjoying the shit out of your entire evening. Thanks for using #dinner as an excuse to upload your fat face to the Internet.

On top of idiotic people and their excuses, here’s the rest of the list of things on Instagram that are really annoying to me.

2. Ruining a perfectly good landscape – Similar to the topic above, ruining a perfectly good landscape photo with a picture of your trimmed, bearded face really chaps my thighs. It’s not like we’re not going to believe that you were there unless you put yourself in the photo. I don’t need your bleach blond hair and pearly white teeth covering what could potentially be an amazing landscape photo.

3. #blessed -

An example of the correct use for the hashtag “blessed”:

Notice that the word “blessed” is used in the photo. While it definitely is a questionable choice as far as tattoos are concerned, at least he used the hashtag correctly. Other correct examples of the hashtag would be on photos of churchy things and babies. I would also accept it if you were a rookie cop who went undercover, posing as a racing team member, in order to investigate a jewelry heist and you ended up taking an instagram photo of your street family holding hands around a picnic table, right before you went off and embarked on a dangerous mission that ended in a climactic showdown.

an example of the incorrect use of the hasthag “blessed”:

Notice how there is nothing in the photo that would indicate anyone is being blessed with anything other than the gift of herpes. I mean, unless Jesus Christ himself came down out of the heavens and took that photo, I just can’t grasp the concept that wearing a shitty pair of jeans that you could find under a tree at Pioneer Park somehow means that you’re #blessed.

4. Animals with IG accounts (TAYLOR AND RENAN) – Come on. There is nothing more humiliating than seeing that a dog’s Instagram account has more followers than you. I get it, your animal is cute and you’re popular, but don’t you have anything better to do with your time than making everyone else feel worthless? I don’t know. Maybe that’s just me.

5. Fake self-deprecation - These are similar to the #progress posts where people just post photos of their hawt bawds to show how far they’ve come in life, except usually they’re filled with sad faced emoticons complaining about how they’re feeling out of shape.

Give me a break. Why don’t you stop wasting megabytes and go choke on a hotdog.

6. Gratuitous Tagging – Look, we know your sponsors need those tags so that everyone can know who is funding your trips, but you’re really doing your sponsors and friends a disservice when you systemically tag every outdoor company on the planet. Let’s keep it civil. And by “let’s” I mean “you”. You keep it civil.

7. Challenges –  I don’t know why this is on my list because I’m still participating in the B&W challenge. Totes amazing.

8. Follows for Follows - The most annoying type of comment that I see on Instagram is the “follow for follow” comment. Usually it’s abbreviated to read f4f since people can’t be bothered to spell out the entire word, but what they’re getting at is that they really really really want you to follow their account and if you follow their account, then they’ll follow you. I’m no wallstreet business tycoon, but that seems like a pretty sweet deal. Count me in.

Whenever I see one of those comments, I think, “Yeah, I’ll follow you. . . to your house so I can punch you right in the neck”, because nothing makes me want to neck punch more than reading annoying comments on Instagram. And when I say nothing, I mean nothing.

Now, before you inundate my email with love letters, I’m going to go ahead and stop you. Yes, I could just unfollow people and not read comments, but do you know what? I’m not going to. If I want to look at stupid instagram feeds and get mad and write about them, that’s my constitutional right, and I will not be subjected to criminal abuse.