tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27706970481666680702012-02-06T08:56:00.624-07:00matt's blog of negativityA blog about most things mostly negative.Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.comBlogger2261100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-30524088515278631602012-02-06T08:36:00.014-07:002012-02-06T08:56:00.639-07:00Car Lashes: I’ll Take 40 Regular Ones, PleaseI’m not kidding. I would rather get whipped 40 times with a willow like my mom used to do when she would catch us pooping in the backyard. ha! I’m kidding, my mom would never punish us for that. And really i think my older brother mike was the only one who ever got caught. Sorry mike (i’m not!). You were just thrown under the bus. I guess at some point we should really talk about where theMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-19585295847194744112012-01-25T15:01:00.003-07:002012-01-26T21:30:28.654-07:00Material Possessions: A Super Short and Powerful PostSometimes i look around my apartment. I look around and i think "wow, i have a lot of meaningless shit.And then i think, "i'm going to buy more of if tomorrow". And i do.Because this is America.Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-74653864638570584442012-01-20T14:00:00.021-07:002012-01-23T08:49:12.948-07:00Single Dad Laughing: Single (hopefully) Non-Dad Rolling My Eyes.I'm a hypocrite, plagiarist, procrastinator, narcissist, and quite handsome. Just to name a few.I honestly don't know why i wrote that, it has nothing to with this post. Except for the plagiarist part, because i'm about 18 lines away from doing a whole bunch of it. Also the handsome part because. . . . . well, because i'm handsome. . . . . Now, i guess the narcissist part is relevant, but the Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-50892067403584064342011-12-25T13:34:00.001-07:002011-12-25T13:35:34.568-07:005 ways to ruin Christmas for Everyone. And a Happy X-mas to you too.See what i did there. I said X-mas instead of Christmas in hopes that i make people mad. Obviously I have no opinion either way because people can say whatever they want in Merica. Christmas. X-mas. Holiday. Santaday. Greedychildrenday. Whatever. Since i no longer have christmas with tiny children, i get to sleep in. Naturally instead of sleeping, i wake up and write this little thing.Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-45210845416350441182011-11-24T09:51:00.000-07:002011-11-24T09:52:15.921-07:00No Thanks. . . . GivingI love the holidays! The good cheer. The love. The happiness. The Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaarf. I (don’t) hate to be a debbie downer but i feel like this is a perfect day to add to the old Blog of Negativity. But matt, it’s thanksgiving. Yeah, i know. The best time to be negative is when everyone else is being positive. If you can drag a couple people down, then you’re doing pretty well. It’s likeMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-67348762624826883832011-11-21T12:21:00.003-07:002011-11-21T12:27:08.145-07:00The slow boat to Thailand: A quick glimpse into the non-confrontational life of Matthew Irving; Human extraordinaire.Pull up a chair, and get out your reading glasses. I wrote a big one. It's long. That's what she said. No, really, a girl said that the blog post was really long. Anyway, back in '06(?) i went on a solo trip to south east asia where i encountered weird experience after weird experience. I wrote this experience for an ebook that never happened, but i have been itching to get it out on the Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-86788123204028208212011-11-10T09:35:00.002-07:002011-11-10T09:39:25.661-07:00Extreme Temperatures: God, why do you hate us?Sorry for the delay folks (i’m not). I’ve been really busy (i haven’t). This will never happen again (it will). I could do this the entire time (i won’t) . . . . . . . . . Anyway, i’m coming out of laziness to write a special post about the weather because it appears that winter is upon us. Some people are psyched, others, not so much. I’m kind of torn because i’m a big fan of snow and the Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-83220104338512090942011-10-13T10:15:00.005-06:002011-10-13T10:20:59.950-06:00The Free Flexor: Ug. Not Another Wiener DumbbellIn order to fully experience this blog post, i’ll need you to watch this (don't forget to watch the video). *Warning* Cannot unwatch *Warning* http://www.freeflexor.com Seriously, you cannot unwatch what you just watched. . . sorry. Well, i guess there is one thing we can hopefully all agree on. The free flexor appears more wiener-like than the shake weight, both in shape and rigidity. But Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-48915168807826862972011-10-11T08:59:00.006-06:002011-10-11T09:27:12.258-06:00An Open Letter to Duck-face and I Guess I Might As Well Include Spray-on Tanning As Well.Dear duckface, How are you? probably pretty orange is my guess, but i’ll address that later in the letter. What i’d really like to talk to you about are your “myspace angle” photos. You know, the ones. You’re either looking into a mirror, making that pouty little face, throwing up a peace sign or some weird hand gesture, or you’re holding the camera above you so you look 10 pounds lighter, Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-84889195458616098682011-10-05T22:50:00.003-06:002011-10-05T23:04:19.893-06:00The Forever Lazy: Quite Possibly the New Worst Thing on the PlanetI haven’t had time to write, which sucks. I love writing. And even more than that, I love writing about incredibly stupid stuff. Stuff that i hate. Stuff that makes me sad for the world and sometimes pee myself. Anyway, writing about this stuff is a great stress reliever, similar to a hot shower or shooting a dead cow with a mossberg 590 a1 9 shot (google it). So i’ve been taking a writing Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-68898355957096320452011-09-22T17:36:00.002-06:002011-10-06T11:11:09.788-06:00I hate this placeI hate this place. It's full of pretentious idiots that cancel appointments if you're 5 minutes late, then act exasperated when they have to reschedule you. Get over yourself. You're only a genius by title.There was a picture of the Apple store, but i deleted it because it was creeping in to the side bar and i couldn't figure out how to change it, and it was bugging the crap out of me. Just Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-69717038308681500532011-08-21T09:32:00.000-06:002011-08-21T09:33:04.729-06:00Bacon: The Worst Kind of Meat on the PlanetOk, i lied, the title was just an attention grabber. Bacon is not the worst kind of meat on the planet. That award easily goes to a chicken foot i tried in taiwan. Not the taste, but the texture. And i might not even call it meat.
Anyway, back to bacon. I kind of meant what i said. I really don’t find it that good. So what’s the problem? The problem is that it seems like every person (Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-76094427486857230842011-08-15T21:24:00.004-06:002011-08-16T08:06:47.685-06:00Macsurance: A real post to make up for the crappy one yesterday.I just saw the cuuuuutest commercial. It was a KRAFT commercial about mac and cheese. A couple kids are talking about getting macsurance that protects them against adults stealing their mac and cheese.
Cute.
What they failed to mention is typical across the board of insurance companies. In the fine print on the bottom of the screen was a group of exclusions. Here is a little sample of the Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-27752380609968903682011-08-14T20:50:00.003-06:002011-08-14T20:58:11.585-06:00From the Archives of Matthew Irving: A Brief History of Stupid InventionsDo you know what was a stupid invention? The car. Yeah, i love sitting, doing nothing for hours on end trying to get somewhere, spending lots of money to put old effing bones in it, only to have it break down every effing time you need it to not break down. EEEFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
What happened to the teleporter? Let's be real, that'd be a much more useful invention. It would save you tons of timeMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-32512531621398854302011-08-07T09:03:00.003-06:002011-08-07T09:09:10.083-06:00Clapping in Movie Theaters: Death by an Irving Brother (the handsome one, not the other two)I was watching the last Hairy Potter movie the other day (i know it isn’t spelled that way, but it should be. Did you see him? He had quite the hairy chest.) and i must say that i almost murdered an entire theater full of people. Men, woman and babies. Maybe not so much 1st degree murdered, but at least involuntary manslaughtered. It always irks me when people clap and cheer in movie Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-84330666863077214752011-07-31T10:13:00.003-06:002011-07-31T10:17:04.866-06:00Bumper Stickers: . . . . . . Dumb.Why is it that every time i’m driving down the road and i see a car covered in bumper stickers, i assume that the driver and it’s occupants are either opinionated idiots, smelly hippies, or something of the like? Why is that? It’s because i’m a connoisseur of judgement, that’s why, but also because bumper stickers, like the glue that binds them to the vehicle, are inherently bound to end up on Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-81088230892921032672011-06-22T20:26:00.001-06:002011-06-22T20:28:48.053-06:00Going Bald: If Only It Was As Awesome As This. . . . . . .And by this, i mean click here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeclsclQaw4 It’s long, but at least worth a skim through (that’s what she said?) hahahahahahaha. ug. Anyway, I was in alaska on this uber (german, for ubaaah) lame trip where we just hiked a lot and it was just so ugly and lame and not fun and i didn’t learn anything and the people were just so dull and nothing interesting Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-3870276190815831042011-06-03T21:49:00.002-06:002011-06-03T21:50:05.192-06:00Music: A Good Judge Of EverythingI like music. You might actually say that i love music. I was forced to take piano lessons when i was younger and hated every minute of it until i quit, then i started enjoying it. I took voice lessons in high school, then I majored in music my first semester in college, and while i never actually took any music classes (i decided i didn’t want to try and find a job as a music teacher), i feelMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-15255569545794744982011-05-24T11:18:00.003-06:002011-05-24T11:23:22.305-06:00Small Bowls: Not to be Confused With Small BowelsI’m sitting up in Victor, ID. We’re up here to shoot a TV spot for The North Face. Jimmy Chin and Hilaree O’neil are climbing up and skiing off the top of the Grand Teton, while Tim and i climb up in front of them and shoot down and what not. It’s pretty much exactly how it sounds. Awesome. Unfortunately, we’re sitting at jimmy’s house in victor because it’s dumping rain and there would be Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-18456319901344742992011-05-20T08:57:00.005-06:002011-05-20T09:08:33.185-06:00Adult Babies: Hands Down The Creepiest Thing I Have EVER Seen. EVER.Most of the time i enjoy writing my posts. I spend most of my day surfing the internet for idiotic things and when i find them, i chuckle to myself, send the link to a couple people, then write about how stupid or worthless said thing is. For example. . . . “snooki is an idiot”. “the jersey shore makes me sick”. “the shakeweight is an awesome work out tool”. “glen beck is a crazy person”. Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-81274226745931853932011-05-16T08:56:00.004-06:002011-05-16T09:03:11.294-06:00Planking: Seriously?So this is apparently what Australia has been up to lately. Click here. If you’re not going to watch the video, i’ll just explain it real quick. “Plancking” is when you lay face down in weird places, preferably so you suspend most of your body in the air, such as on a guardrail 7 stories up. The goal is to be so awesome and to not fall off the guardrail, which the kid in the story failed to do,Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-61756502771838050612011-05-09T09:27:00.012-06:002011-05-09T10:19:17.889-06:00The End of An Era: WildfireIf you’re not going to read the whole thing, at least read the last 5 paragraphs, but you’ll be missing out, you idiot. The last summer i had was back in 2002. I had just graduated high school and i’m not sure what i was doing for work. Maybe nothing, but maybe something. I really don’t remember. I really don’t remember. I’m sure it was fun. Anyway. . . since the summer of 2003, i have Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-84863659516689784792011-05-08T09:47:00.002-06:002011-05-08T09:49:48.597-06:00The Age Of America: An Irving ManifestoThe age of america! The age of AmericaaaaAAAAAAA. Ameeeriiicaaaaaaa! Ameeeericaaaaa! Harmony and understanding! Sympathy and trust aboooouuunding!(should have sounded like the age of aquarius) A couple weeks ago i read an article titled “IMF Bombshell: Age of America Nears End”. It was disturbing on a couple different levels. #1 - Not sure what IMF stand for, but i’m pretty sure it’s somethingMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-88275209974276592592011-05-01T00:43:00.003-06:002011-05-01T00:49:09.239-06:00May 1st: The Greatest Day The World Has Ever KnownSome interesting events that have taken place today: 1751 - the first cricket match is played in America. (coincidently, this is also the day that boredom was invented) 1844 - The Hong Kong Police Force is established. (Yay for human rights violations!) 1846 - Mormons formally dedicate the Nauvoo Temple in Nauvoo, Illinois. (nice) 1852 - The Philippine peso is introduced. (i have no jokes forMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-57866908601682336762011-04-29T12:21:00.001-06:002011-04-29T12:24:19.042-06:00The Royal Wedding: O M G(aaaaaaaaaaaaah)I was so excited to stay up late last night and soak in all the royalness. I truly felt like a little prince. All my roomies got together and made tea and crumpets and then we all dressed up (scott riddle was a queen, as usual), and then we threw rice when they came out of the church. It was just the cutest little thing i’d ever baaaaaaaaaaaaaaarf.Sorry, i tried to keep up the act, but i Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-22758984900231434042011-04-28T09:50:00.004-06:002011-04-28T09:59:09.250-06:00Snooki: The End of SocietyGuest writer Brian Alexander is an ultra running [non barefoot hopefully], hotshotting, crab wrangling, world traveling, husband and father of 7. I made the father of 7 part up, but maybe eventually. I will be interjecting throughout the article to add to the funny factor, but in all reality, this is a depressing subject. Anywhere you see these [ ] indicates me adding a snide comment. . . . Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-4761152854976976022011-04-25T08:28:00.002-06:002011-04-25T08:30:54.864-06:00Friday: Please Kill Me. . . . Or Better Yet, Kill ThemSo, i recently (i wrote this a while ago) viewed a certain crappy music video (Friday, by rebecca black?), strictly for some blog material and i must say that it’s a crappy video, but i don’t know why people are ragging on this black lady. She isn’t black, her last name is black. I feel like maybe that would have been an appropriate time to capitalize some letters to avoid that sort of thing, Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-83026759873193301712011-04-21T08:12:00.004-06:002011-04-21T22:01:34.588-06:00The Boulder Diet: Best Diet EverI heard through the grapevine that i’ve “let myself go” . . . . . Laura. I think this means that i’m not as in shape as i used to be. Or maybe it means that i’m fat. Either way, it’s quite understandable since i don’t climb as much as i used to, but i thought that after giving up eating a quart of ice cream every couple days that i could at least fool people when i’m fully clothed. :( Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-36710488079630348652011-04-17T09:39:00.003-06:002011-04-17T09:44:03.961-06:00Air Traffic Controllers: Why Does the Government Hire Narcoleptics?ANOTHER Air Traffic Controller (ATC) has fallen asleep on the job. I just cannot believe it. There must be a narcolepsy epidemic going on, which has me wondering if narcolepsy has now become contagious. It might be a new form of narcolepsy. ACK!!!! What happens if the people at Carl’s Junior get it? I don’t want them falling asleep mid flip. I need my six dollar burger. Oh gosh. There’s Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-43048177737604705232011-04-14T09:03:00.000-06:002011-04-14T09:06:21.169-06:00Radiation in The Ocean: Not That Big Of DealThis is what happens when you sit on a blog. It becomes irrelevant. I wrote this when it first started happening, but had other things i wanted to post and then boom. Outdated. Sorry, but not sorry enough to not post it. Anyway, I really enjoyed how people were making a huge fuss about japan letting radiated water back into the ocean. Yes, i could see how people might be mad, and i could Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-17853094224601195422011-04-10T22:04:00.004-06:002011-04-10T22:17:12.721-06:00Crappy Facial Hair: Why Bother*Attention: This post is more centered around men, more specifically ryan moon* I don’t want to be a hater because nobody likes a hater, but i’m going to go against the grain and make a gripe. . . . . . .a mega gripe. . . . . gripe gripe gripe. It bugs me when guys (sometimes girls) try and grow a mustache when they can’t. I feel weird about griping about it because they (and by they i mean Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-26766824222195422492011-04-09T10:37:00.006-06:002011-04-09T10:41:40.414-06:00The Ultimate Question: It's About People Who CryWhy do peopleº cry when they meet "famous" people? It's annoying. And Dumb.º by people, i mean mostly teenage girls, but not all the time.Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-88902452818160119892011-04-07T09:27:00.003-06:002011-04-07T15:48:26.119-06:00Super Powers: They Have Their LimitsOk, so this next one is somewhat random, but if you have any idea how my brain operates, it makes perfect sense. Imagine a brain operating on ice cream and great ideas. Now imagine the same brain being overloaded by feelings of intolerance, and that about sums it up. Anyway, i was having a conversation with some “friends” about super powers and which one would be the most desirable. One girl Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-62033384191197042722011-04-04T09:43:00.002-06:002011-04-04T09:47:34.025-06:00Cutting Back: Eff You. Readership is Down.Dear Avid Fans I realized something. My readers are like women (probably because most are women). The more interest you show in them, the less likely they are to go out with you. This is the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard of and wish that would stop, but i doubt it will happen. . . . . . Anyway, i feel like the more i write, the less people read, so i’m cutting back to two times a week. Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-65321012728531206562011-04-02T19:48:00.004-06:002011-04-02T21:12:47.533-06:00Freedom of Speech: Pushing the BoundriesI haven't posted on the weekend for a while, but after reading a little bit about some events in the past couple days, i felt i needed to write. It might be kind of jumbled because i'm trying to not to punch a hole through my computer screen (not really).Anyway. . . . "rev." terry jones, d-bag extraordinaire, decided to burn a quran at his "church" this past week for some reason. It's apparent Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-39779629690128860912011-04-01T08:33:00.001-06:002011-04-01T08:42:50.515-06:00Foreign Languages: No Need, Just Speak Marekin*Disclaimer* The grammatical errors, spelling errors and content below have no relation to how i spell or my beliefs. I’m simply making fun of people who think differently than i do. Also, when allowable, i spelled phonetically to accentuate certain syllables. Also, this is best read out loud, maybe with an accent of your choice. *End of Disclaimer* Why does the world insist on all speaking Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-9910062840349345742011-03-30T08:00:00.001-06:002011-03-30T08:02:32.338-06:00Super Moon: More Like Super Disappointing MoonDo you guys remember when we had that “super moon”? You should because it was about a week ago. Anyway, do you remember how everyone was talking about it and everyone was so excited for it and it was supposed to be this massive glowing orb in the sky and then it ended up being a normal sized moon with no noticeable difference? I do. Because we were out shooting photo/video down in Patagonia Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-75366928499699798172011-03-28T14:20:00.002-06:002011-03-28T14:21:25.002-06:00Scrapbooking: Not a Bad Way to Waste TimeYeah, not a bad to waste time if you happen to live forever and you’ve done everything else and you’re bored as crap. Anyway, I had a pretty involved conversation the other day about scrapbooking. I feel as if we talked about it for quite a while. The funny thing is, when we finished, we were no closer to understanding why people do it then when we started. I guess i just don’t get it. I Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-45685685126128784822011-03-25T08:34:00.003-06:002011-03-25T08:40:55.833-06:00American Flight Attendants: Crabby PattiesOnce again, another front loaded blog postº. I’m sitting on a plane and i noticed how awesome asian flight attendants are and how angry american flight attendants are. Why? They all deal with the same stuff. The whiny passengers, the drunk passengers, the black-out drunk passengers (hennie), the ambien passengers (nichole), the tall passengers, the passengers that accidentally poop their Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-87534125194622592472011-03-23T04:53:00.001-06:002011-03-23T04:55:59.858-06:00Bolting Rocks: An End of The World ScenarioThis is a post that most of you won’t understand at first because it’s climbing related, but i’ll try to explain it as best as possible, so hopefully this is more of an informative one than just me barfing out words. It’s also possible that i don’t “get” it because my viewpoint is slightly different than other climbers. And by slightly different, i mean the right view point. Here are three Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-64328034585009005552011-03-21T06:33:00.000-06:002011-03-21T06:36:40.353-06:00Born to Wear Shorts: Jean ShortsSince the beginning of time, the age of man has been a work in progress. An ever evolving species that has overcome many obstacles, and yet still struggles with it’s daily existence. Most conflicts that occur around the globe are insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but there are a few that stand out above all others. They are not the conflicts that deal with money, religion, or hate.Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-4453262904013678802011-03-18T06:30:00.000-06:002011-03-18T06:32:41.829-06:00The Segwey: A Segue to SuccessNothing screams money, success and second families like owning a segway.What, fresh hell, is a segway you ask? Well, sit tight, because i’m about to blow your mind with a couple definitions.The formal definition is: An uninterrupted transition from one piece of music or film scene to another. Kind of blah, right? Yeah. My informal definition (which is definitely a far superior definition) isMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-24610274942490324992011-03-16T06:04:00.001-06:002011-03-16T06:06:38.985-06:00Weathermen: And WomenI dedicate this post to Michelle. Because wouldn’t life be nice if all we did for work was make 50/50 guesses?*Scenario*I’m going to go on an adventure. A sweet one. And i’d like to know what kind of weather i should pack for. Is it going to be cold? Is it going to be wet? I don’t know. let me check the weather and find out. Oh, it’s going to be a high of 109 with a 0% chance of Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-55793911156621796762011-03-14T06:12:00.002-06:002011-03-14T06:13:35.854-06:00Teachers: Glorified Babysitter*Disclaimer* If you are of the kind of idiot that thinks it would be a good idea to cut teachers salary and educational funding you might want to quit reading because i’m going to call you an idiot and say some really mean things about you. *End of Disclaimer* If you think it would be a good idea to cut teachers salary and educational funding, you’re an idiot. A serious idiot who has no Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-49370044190972583062011-03-11T08:01:00.002-07:002011-03-11T08:05:50.084-07:00Autotune: An Electronically “Enhanced” Post. . . . also with a bit of kesha.*Attention* Whenever you read the word AUTOTUNE, please read it as if a robot is saying it in a high pitched robot voice. *End of Attention. . . . well, i mean, you shouldn’t stop paying attention because i probably have some witty sarcasm and you’ll miss it if you do, but it’s just the end of that important message. . . . . . .never mind* Anyway, some of you might not be fully aware of what Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-83501058289828771462011-03-09T06:03:00.002-07:002011-03-09T06:09:51.610-07:00Sports: If Only There Was Something Better To Do. . . .*Disclaimer* If you watch sports, you probably don’t want to read this because i’m essentially going to call you an idiot. *End of Disclaimer* If you watch sports, you’re an idiot. . . . . I told you not to keep reading. I thought it would be funny to just end it after that last sentence, but i like to read my own writing and it wouldn’t be fair to me if i did that, so i won’t. I’m writing Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-45097096266218273032011-03-07T04:03:00.003-07:002011-03-07T04:07:33.534-07:00How to Piss People Off In One Easy Step: I'll Give You A Hint. It Rhymes With ShmenocideThere is nothing more fun then making somebody mad to the point of turning red. It’s just something that i thoroughly enjoy doing. Whether it’s writing about them on this blog, sending them tiny bombs in the mail, or tripping them in the grocery store, it really just makes my day to hear them scream “MAAAAAAATTTTTTTT” in hate, similar to the way captain kirk screams the name “KAAAAAAAHHHHHNN”.Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-30089032074198903332011-03-04T13:47:00.001-07:002011-03-04T13:48:12.349-07:00Gumby Jocks: Technically Not My OpinionOk, i'm not sure if everyone is going to "get" this next post because it's kind of about climbing and if you don't climb or have only climbed a couple times, then you either won't understand the group i'm talking about or you'll belong to the group i'm talking about. If do "climb" a lot and you still don't understand it, then you're most definitely in the group. Sorry. That being said, this Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-87885222730940780512011-03-02T05:15:00.009-07:002011-03-04T15:59:30.045-07:00High School Reunions: I’d Rather Peel The Skin Off My Body*Disclaimer* If i attended high school with you, you might not want to read this. Just saying. *End of Disclaimer* My 10 year class reunion is coming up. And by coming up, i mean next year. So i guess it’s not really coming up. Well, i mean it is, but i made it sound more urgent than it actually is. . . . . was? . . . . . is? . . . . . never mind. 10 years out of high school. Eff. What Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-8737945057955348452011-02-28T04:57:00.006-07:002011-02-28T05:25:21.932-07:00Asian Cuisine: A Culinary ConundrumI’m sitting in the airport, trying to front load my blog, so this is for a future post. I guess when you’re reading this it’ll be old news, but still relevant. I’m quitting america. Because of food. I love asian cuisine and i just can’t enough of it. I can’t get enough chicken feet. I can’t get enough squid. I can’t get enough unknown rubbery substance that may or may not be dog. I can’tMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-1177680595984358052011-02-25T01:05:00.014-07:002011-02-25T07:02:28.148-07:00Do You Believe In Miracles: Yes.Some people think america dominating russia in the 1980 winter olympics was a miracle. That's because those people hate america. We tricked the commies during the cold war not because it was miraculous, but because we're awesome. We smoked the russkies in hockey not because it was miraculous, but because we're awesome. I had a joke about the cold war and ice hockey and how they're both cold, Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-89315437172963562662011-02-21T15:34:00.017-07:002011-02-23T07:51:37.896-07:00Parking Lot Etiquette: Some General RulesSince, i'm in Asia right now, the land of crazy effed up driving, i'm going to do a driving themed post, however i'm not going to do it on asian driving. . . . yet . . . and there are no guarantees that i won't mention asian drivers in this post. I won't talk about how crappy they are. I mean, i could. They're really crappy drivers. Just terrible. But i won't.What i'd really like to discuss Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-37826188003760244822011-02-21T07:34:00.003-07:002011-02-21T07:35:24.255-07:00Baggage Claim Selfishness: Almost as Selfish as SocialismScenario: I just finish my flight to Taiwan. I'm sitting at the baggage area, surrounded by 500 chinamen (is that not politically incorrect?) all waiting for the same thing. Their bags. A yellow line surrounding the baggage area indicates to the public to stand about 3 feet back from the baggage area rather than standing directly at it's side. Doing this would allow everyone to see while still Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-30630923331108432672011-02-18T01:11:00.003-07:002011-02-18T01:12:51.392-07:00Incompetency: A Must For Those Crazy Four-Way StopsThis may or may not be my last post for a while. I'm heading to taiwan, then new hampshire, then patagonia and i'll probably be pretty busy. However, if there are any of you out there who would like to be a guest writer, i'd love to post your negative thoughts. A couple rules.1. must be negative.2. must insult one race.3. must offend at least 3 people.4. if you use numbers in your post, make themMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-89769995594413204822011-02-16T07:38:00.005-07:002011-02-16T08:09:33.325-07:00Work Meetings: A Camp4 Collective Extravaganza!!!!Nothing is more fun than work meetings, am i right? You show up. The boss is late. Everyone hates everyone else which results in nasty stares from across the table. The occasional fart smell wafts through the room. The few people who acknowledge the smell steal a shifty glance at “that one girl” who is most likely the culprit. John won’t talk to Kevin because he’s still upset kevin ate his Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-74984269158664088892011-02-14T08:45:00.006-07:002011-02-14T15:38:08.503-07:00Valentine's Day: Best Day of the YearPsyche!!!! Eff valentine's day. What a stupid overly commercialized way to spend money on carp that isn't going to last a week. "oh, here are some chocolates and flowers." The chocolates are going to make you fat and the flowers are going to die in 2 days anyway. What's the deal? Why can't you give things that are useful like a vacuum or dishwashing gloves? Now before all you women are up in armsMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-3368196933491714402011-02-11T07:03:00.001-07:002011-02-11T07:04:59.289-07:00Ugly Talent: What Happened to It?Do you know what i reminisce about? Ugly talent. What happened to it?It seemed to me that back in the day, if you were talented, you had a good chance of being successful, regardless of your looks. This isn't the case nowadays. I mean, yeah, you'll get the occasional susan boyle, but really she's not ugly. I've seen uglier.Why is it?Is it because we're a society fixated on outer appearances? Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-73244392312306961822011-02-09T08:18:00.010-07:002011-02-09T08:30:44.667-07:00Fashion vs. Function: A Woman's DilemmaI used the word "dilemma" incorrectly because technically, it isn't a dilemma. When a woman looks at anything (including men, which we'll talk about briefly later in the post), she doesn't ask herself if said item (ie, coat, shoes, car, man) is functional. It is specifically a fashion related conundrum.For example."but this umbrella is sooooo cute. So what if it has holes in it. The colors match Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-5860310909427951202011-02-07T07:36:00.004-07:002011-02-07T07:38:52.773-07:00Muffin Top: Not as Tasty as One Might Think. In Fact. It's Quite Disgusting.Ode to Muffin Top:muffin top, i love you so,your fluffy outside, your squishy dough.you fill me up from head to toeonce i have one, i need some mo (as in more)but not all muffin tops are the samebecause some people have no shameThey like to squeeze into their pantseven though they don't fit. I mean, don't get me wrong, i like to wear skinny jeans, but i wouldn't wear a pair of skinny jeans if it Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-31608755101634755732011-02-04T08:45:00.005-07:002011-02-04T08:54:04.121-07:00Stem Cell Research: Stop Killing BabiesAs much as i enjoy being negative, i saw a video and couldn't resist being somewhat positive for a bit, but i'll try to intersperse it with tiny thoughts of negativity, or maybe a link to an explosion or something. . . . . OR. . . . . maybe a link to a puppy getting punched. . . . . OR. . . . . maybe a link to a baby getting punched, but probably not the baby or explosion one because that Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-10711345028525290072011-02-02T08:18:00.003-07:002011-02-02T08:19:41.748-07:00Two and One Half Men: Not Funny In The LeastI don't get it. This show is not funny. At all. it's the same crappy jokes every single time with a laugh track every 10 seconds. It doesn't give you chance to think for yourself. You're told it's funny. . . . you're told wrong.If you're not familiar with this show, let me introduce you to the characters."Hi, i'm charlie sheen. i'm promiscuous with many ladies every night, but for some reason, i Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-75980796019093183262011-01-31T08:19:00.003-07:002011-01-31T08:22:32.757-07:00Great Apes: Creepy. Genuinely Creepy.I'm cutting back on writing. I'm sorry. I know my mom and sister will be severely disappointed, and by severely disappointed, i mean not really notice at all. I'm only doing this because i want weekends to myself so hopefully it'll be a monday, wednesday, friday thing. We'll see.Anyway. . . . .It's settled. The evolution debate is no longer a debate. Man definitely evolved from this messed up Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-61697656421498640352011-01-29T09:01:00.002-07:002011-01-29T09:02:51.679-07:00Words: Why Can't We Say Them Correctly? And By We, I Mean You.Now that i've set the record straight on the correct usage of the phrase "pantsing", i will now tackle a bigger issue.I exspecially like it when i go to the libary, and irregarldess of what the libarian is doing, she takes some time and dethaws my microwave meal in the microwave, but supposebly even if you didn't ax, she prolly would do it anyway.Excuse me while i clean up my word vomit. I just Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-70208753485653051732011-01-27T08:31:00.001-07:002011-01-27T08:33:25.866-07:00Pantsing: It's Not Pantsing. It's Depantsing, You Idiots.I had a conversation with a hobo the other day and the topic of depantsing came up, although they (not this specific hobo, the general population of hobos) called it pantsing, something that has been bothering me most of my adult life, which it turns out, began a couple weeks ago.Why would you call it pantsing? Because you're in idiot. If you pants someone, you are putting pants onto someone. Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-7725718355493461512011-01-25T08:43:00.003-07:002011-01-25T08:45:37.064-07:00Fortunes Cookies: They Aren't Full of Fortunes. They're Full of Crap.I should have lumped this one and the last one together, but it would have been really long. That's what she said?Anyway, let me entrance you with a tale from my younger years. Back in "the day" when i lived in pocatello, i lived with some really great guys. One day, we purchased a giant bag of fortune cookies. Somebody made a rule. The rule was, if someone gave you a fortune cookie, you had to Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-88352318160545997792011-01-23T17:01:00.002-07:002011-01-23T17:01:57.871-07:00Astrology: It Has To Be Real. It's On The Internet.I was going to write the real definition of astrology then write mine to show you the difference, but that seems like a waste of my time and yours so instead, i'll just waste your time and pick one word from my definition that best describes how i feel towards astrology. . . . ok, cancel that. 3 words.Minimum wage worker.I'll let you piece that one together. I also used words like "generalities" Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-57156927541583078902011-01-21T09:44:00.006-07:002011-01-21T11:13:29.656-07:00Pongquat: Webster's Official DefinitionPongquat: noun - a vegetable like fruit, similar to a kumquat, but only slightly more round, and little more quat-like. Pongquat was produced as a hybrid fruit/vegetable/ping pong ball because of the need for a fruit/vegetable/ping pong ball mix early in the cold war.There, that should clear things up.truthfully, i made that word up a long time ago while playing scrabble. yes. they called my Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-44429172388418555822011-01-21T08:17:00.008-07:002011-01-21T08:42:22.026-07:00The Snazzy Napper: It's Like Privacy In a Bag. A Very Very Dumb Bag.It seems that NASA has canceled moon. They're taking it down next week. Apparently the american public has lost interest in space and so to prove a point, they're taking it down, which sucks. I thought we were pretty close to beating russia at the space race, but i guess we'll have to beat them at some other game. Anyway, the good news is that since they're shutting down the space pogrom, it has Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-58719902151759982612011-01-19T08:20:00.006-07:002011-01-19T08:25:46.356-07:00The Great American Wedding Gown: Never Has Patriotism Looked So Stupid (Aside From The Tea Party Movement)Where to begin? It seems that for once, words have failed me. I guess I'll just post the picture and let it sink in for a bit. Click here for a link to the website that sells this monstrosity.Five things came to my mind after seeing this picture.1. The entire tea party population probably just climaxed.2. It's very vain of me to think that anyone reads my blog, let alone the entire tea party Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-73258101185087995492011-01-17T08:33:00.006-07:002011-01-17T08:46:36.589-07:00The Walmart Equation: Theory or FactSince i talked a little bit about hate in my last post, i feel i'll use it as a perfect segue into today's discussion. And by discussion, i mean me telling you what i hate. I guess it's not so much a discussion as it is a sermon. Either way, you're learning inedible things.Question: If, while in any randomly selected walmart, 3 random adult males use 3 randomly selected (mostly separate) Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-70549131715274382162011-01-13T22:49:00.008-07:002011-01-14T16:39:13.919-07:00Hating Hate: So Passé, Which Is French For DumbI did it. I accepted the fact that i can't force positivity into my life and i'm fully embracing my negativity. Sort of like how anakin skywalker was basically born a terrible person and it took him until early adult hood to realize that he's a terrible person and there was no point in trying to be good. The only difference is that:a) no one is pregnant (at least i'm 99% sure no one is)b) i Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-53661888626697327482011-01-13T08:42:00.004-07:002011-01-13T09:59:32.970-07:00Dream Time: Weird TimeI used to keep track of my dreams. I would write them down in a little book. I lost that book. I wish i had it. It had some really weird dreams in it.Anyway, last night i had an interesting dream. First, there was this corporate guy who offered all these people this amazing job. They would all quit their jobs and go to this building where they were supposed to work and this guy would fly off in Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-15146997503658847802011-01-11T07:47:00.008-07:002011-01-11T07:51:47.245-07:00The Weak Shop: For Weak PeopleFunny story (debatable), i happened upon this website [click here] and almost had an aneurism. A website full of the worst "machines" imaginable. Machines created for one reason; to allow the laziest people on the planet to live comfortably in a lazier way. Fortunately, i realized that it was a faux website, otherwise i would have thrown my computer out the window (still trying to get past that Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-13023074362111880692011-01-09T08:56:00.003-07:002011-02-04T13:07:54.853-07:00An Ode to Otter Pops: Yes, You Read Correctly. Otter Pops.Dear otter pops, you're the greatest thingI need you like a bird needs a wingYou give me this energy, i'm not sure howit might be the metric ton of sugar i'm ingesting nowyep, that's definitely it, i can feel the buzzoh no, i've eaten to much, i know this becausemy hands are all shaky and clammy and coldthis feeling's like love, except 10 times more bold (and rewarding)If i had to choose between Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-11789991452904004462011-01-07T08:49:00.003-07:002011-01-07T08:51:05.726-07:00Driving Like a Cowboy: An Urban Cowboy. . . . HeeaaaaahI love driving. I love driving in snow storms. I love driving off road. I love driving fast. I love driving slow (when i'm annoyed by tailgaters). I love driving my motorcycle. I love driving my motorcycle fast. . . . Unfortunately, i fall asleep very easily when i get behind the wheel. Sometimes i don't, but other times it's really fast (even on the motorcycle, i've had to pull over and lay downMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-28862185990782921352011-01-05T08:25:00.002-07:002011-01-05T08:28:10.831-07:00Bonsai Trees: Tiny Adult Trees. . . I'm Sensing a TrendOk, i realize that this is going to be a stretch, but i'm not going to lie, i've been wracking my brain for positive things. I can't think of anything. My "friend" chad told me that this positivity blog wouldn't last long and he might be right. hopefully this is just a rough patch. I need to get in a positive groove. Ok, the other thing that i don't have going for me is the fact that people don'tMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-35916495330243266062011-01-03T13:33:00.003-07:002011-01-03T13:35:09.552-07:00Matt's Blog of Mostly Positivity: Kind OfHappy New Year. . . a couple days ago. Seriously. Wow, this is a new leaf. A really different leaf that i haven't nibbled on in a long time. Not that i nibble on leaves, but i have, but i'm just saying. . . . this is very different for me. Ok. Whew. . . it's like a load off my shoulders. Ok, it's like when i'm fighting fires and i get tired, i just put all my stuff in my saw partners bag and Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-52483554953091709182011-01-02T18:05:00.002-07:002011-01-02T18:15:15.125-07:00Eff This: I'm FinishedHappy New Year. . . i guess. Anyway. I'm not writing anymore. I mean, i will, but not as much as i've been doing. Actually, maybe not at all. It turns out not to be very beneficial for me. I've recently noticed i'm extremely negative and cynical and, while this is pretty normal, it's worse than usual. At first, it was easy to separate blog matt from regular matt, but yeah, not so easy Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-41432175164301683912010-12-31T08:24:00.003-07:002010-12-31T09:50:07.959-07:00Adopting Lots of Babies: Hiring Lots of NanniesEver since i donned my celebrity hat (that strangely resembles that of a ku klux klan hat), i have had this weird urge to start adopting babies. I know what you're thinking? "Matt, you can't have babies, you would eat them", and you might be right. Sometimes i get hungry enough that i think, "man, i'm so hungry i could eat a baby right now", but i'm 97% sure that i'm just using it as an Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-4966250859631721022010-12-29T08:40:00.005-07:002010-12-29T20:37:23.561-07:00Domestic Abuse: Only Cool If You Can DanceIf a tree falls down in the woods, does it make a sound? Yes, of course it does. If a mime falls down in the woods, does it make a sound? No, mimes are really good at being quiet. If a celebrity bites someone's neck in the woods, does it make a sound? It does, but it's ok because they're a celebrity and they can do pretty much whatever they want without severe consequence. . . . . . . lucky.*Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-85841513485895137162010-12-27T11:40:00.006-07:002010-12-27T12:20:14.162-07:00Back to the Future: Incest is not the BestToday is about incest. Yes, the ultimate of ultimate social taboos. Here to start a conversation is a person i made up named Kevin Reimer (kevin doesn't use the internet, so this is ok).kevin - why is incest such a bad thing?matt - seriously? you're asking me this?kevin - uhhhhh, yeah.matt - because it is really really messed up.kevin - but back in the day, cousins got married all the . . . .Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-64954569335819261402010-12-26T12:46:00.006-07:002010-12-26T13:36:42.171-07:00CHANGE 2011: Obama Has Nothing On Me.Unlike obama, i intend on actually changing things. . . . but i might not get around to it. Similar to how he never took our guns away, even though he said he was going to. What a loser. Anyway, today's post is kind of a beta version of a new concept i might try out.matt irving's bad advice column, but will remain titled matt's blog of negativity. Since no one has sent me questions, i pulled Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-28386693416051134842010-12-25T14:40:00.004-07:002010-12-25T16:46:34.954-07:00Matt Irving: The Prodigal Son. . . . of HaircutsHo ho ho (as said by the famous Hans Gruber. . . . . in Die Hard. . . . one. . . . ). Merry Chirstmawhatever it is you people say around this festive holyday. I for one don't celebrate Christmas because it's offensive to all other people who choose not to, and since i'm all about not offending, i've decided to nix this years celebration. And i don't say merry Christmas, i say happy holyday Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-22624259585031528742010-12-24T12:04:00.006-07:002010-12-24T15:34:01.204-07:00The Homeless: Can't Take a JokeSo, i was driving down the road the other day and i hit a big slush puddle, spraying a whole bunch of homeless guys. I mean, they were all lined up there, basically begging for it. After i passed, i looked back and it appeared like they were upset, so i drove around the block so i could drive past them again, i slowed down, held some money out the window and as they were walking forward to takeMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-62844456058426706632010-12-23T15:14:00.003-07:002010-12-23T15:29:31.937-07:00Facebook Birthdays: Attention WhoresWe all know that facebook is the biggest ego trip ever. At least that's what i use mine for. It makes me feel good to know that 7 people liked my status about how i hate sarah palin's "reality" show. It shouldn't make me feel good, but it does. However, i choose to not share my birthday with everyone because i feel like only my real friends should congratulate me for not dying another year. Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-39992206633939590312010-12-22T08:54:00.005-07:002010-12-22T10:01:53.384-07:00Hagermanns Bakery: A Bunch of Thieves. Not Bread Thieves. Money Thieves.This post stems from an incident I had the other day when some friends and i went to a bakery. Hagermanns bakery. It's downtown near temple square. It's awesome because when you walk in, you think it's a nice honest place, and the guys look all hipster (first reason not to trust them. Don't trust hipsters), with their beards and what not, and you're thinking, "great, i'm going to enjoy a niceMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-78608365024999221002010-12-21T16:25:00.006-07:002010-12-21T17:04:35.904-07:00Dolphins: They're Just The Worst Thing Since Freedom. Ug. So Dumb.You guys might not believe me when i say i hate dolphins, but boy, do i hate dolphins. Out of all the aquatic mammals, dolphins are my least favorite, followed closely by elephant seals and blue whales.Why matt? Why do you hate dolphins? I wish i could give you an easy answer, but i can't. It's really complex. Maybe it's because out of every animal on the planet, they're the ugliest, with Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-16922402740110491742010-12-20T08:59:00.006-07:002010-12-20T09:43:22.279-07:00Bridal Plasty: I Stand CorrectedOk, so miley cyrus is not the Great Decay of Modern Society. Not even close. She now kind of reminds me of a nun. A really skanky nun. Anyway, my cousin Alyssa, who probably loves this show, pointed me in the direction of bridal plasty, which it turns out, has been officially deemed the anti-christ. Yeah, weird. i know. I always secretly thought it was Obama, not a collective of terrible Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-32172322731498087622010-12-19T08:34:00.004-07:002010-12-19T11:19:20.085-07:00Cell Phone Answering Machines: What Happened to Just the Beep?Hello. You've reached [whoever]. They are not available to take your call right now. Or they don't want to take your call and they're ignoring you. If you would like to leave a message, please wait for after the beep. If you would like to expedite your message, press 1 followed by the pound sign, followed by an asterisk. If you don't press the asterisk approximately 3 seconds after the Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-75832106702253983942010-12-18T12:50:00.008-07:002010-12-18T17:28:28.402-07:00Infidelity: Funny and Great for Candy Bar SalesSaturday is a double post day. Who knows. It might even be a triple post. It might even be a quadruple post day. It might even be a quintuple post day. . .Ug. Probably not.Anyway, i had conversation with my roomies this morning and it turned into something great. I added about 5 new things to my "list of hate and confusion" which essentially drives this blog. One thing that was Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-75927053224592656292010-12-18T10:00:00.006-07:002010-12-19T11:21:53.217-07:00The Sausage to Bun Ratio: An Unholy UnionI'm going to cite andrew farrer (google him, or friend [verb?] him on facebook) for this idea. In fact he basically wrote the whole thing. . . . so thanks. Also, if it sucks, blame him. Send him hate messages on facebook. Seriously.Sooooooooo. Anyway. The sausage to bun ratio. What the french. I mean, it's cool. Who doesn't love extra sausages laying around the house? Uh. I don't. Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-59163718146515020372010-12-16T17:38:00.009-07:002010-12-18T10:10:31.242-07:00The Great Decay of Modern Society: Miley Cyrus*Disclaimer*Actually, there is nothing to disclaim.*End of Disclaimer*Nothing is more entertaining than watching a train wreck, except maybe an airplane wreck, or a dolphin doing some sweet aerial acrobatics. My problem isn't so much that these "train wrecks" are happening. It's that they're being hailed as "news" on these alleged "news" channels, like cnn. [And today's top stories: earthquakes Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-36341660474046153142010-12-15T20:37:00.008-07:002010-12-15T20:56:33.710-07:00Question: No Seriously, I Have a QuestionThis post precedes the Great Decay of Modern Society (aka miley cyrus) only because i was thinking about some life changing changes.So. . . . . . . a while ago, i got a complaint that reading white print on a black background was hurting the eyes of a person who shall not be named. Voldemort [gasp]. And by voldemort [gasp], i mean a courtney person. . . i think it was her. Maybe it was a brentMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-79646549808957998092010-12-15T09:04:00.007-07:002010-12-15T09:53:31.284-07:00World Series of Poker: Do My Eyes Deceive Me? No They Do Not. . . . . Sad. Also, This Should Make Up For My Last Post.Sorry about yesterday's snafu (it's a word, i looked it up. . . relax). I was in a weird place and i just couldn't do it. Anyway, today i brought in Andrew Hobbs, or Hobbs as he is known in certain seedy circles, a Professional Human Being, to explain how the downfall of civilization is negatively correlated to the rise of popularity in televised poker. *Quick note, i will be interjecting my Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-21751723024411698572010-12-14T20:25:00.003-07:002010-12-14T21:05:27.900-07:00Robot Wars: I Am a Robot! I Have a Robot. . . . . ic Sense of Humorin case you're curious at all, a robotic sense of humor is similar to [insert person of your choice who doesn't have a very good sense of humor. for example; hitler, but that would be speculation because i'm really not sure. he might have had a sense of humor. . . probably not, though.].Anyway, for some reason or another, i thought about robot wars the other day so i looked it up on Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-10410814088594374952010-12-13T16:58:00.010-07:002010-12-14T07:22:43.866-07:00The British: Can I Bum a Fag, Mate?Sooner or later, this was bound to happen. I mean, come on. The british. This is an easier target than shooting hippies in boulder, and for those of you who aren't aware. . . . . trust me. It's easy.I guess to start out, we should roll back the clocks a couple hundred years to revolutionary times. Times when men were men, and women were considered property. Simpler times. (just for Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-28213717323757659322010-12-11T21:32:00.004-07:002010-12-13T19:07:34.553-07:00TMIOFBAOILP: Too Much Information on Facebook and Other Internet-Like PlacesI just erased a blog post on "insert dumb thing to write about". Don't fret. It was dumb. OK, it was more dumb than all my other posts combined. I was about to give up hope, but an anonymous comment was posted on one of my posts and it made me think about posting more posts on postable things, such as. . . . too much information on facebook. . . . . . post.Actually, i'm just curious as to theMatthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-34304959666946025102010-12-10T18:02:00.005-07:002010-12-10T19:10:24.732-07:00Poshtots: Like Tater Tots, but More Expensive, and Less Useful.Poshtots. Google it. It's disgusting. About as disgusting as tomatoes. Ok, I realize that not everybody hates tomatoes as much as i do, so i guess just imagine the most disgusting thing in the world. Throw up. Put it in a bag with whatever it is you imagined, add corn and you'll get something as disgusting as poshtots. I feel terrible for even posting a link to it, but it's worth one Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-54239774532467168582010-12-09T20:07:00.006-07:002010-12-10T08:19:24.520-07:00Vibram 5 Finger Shoes: They're Toes. . . Not Fingers.Regardless of being fingers or toes, these shoes are meant for one thing. Injuring you. . . I guess two things. Injuring you, and making you look like an idiot (offense to people who wear them. Offense). Don't bother writing arguments because i've heard all of them, and i'm prepared to to shoot down every single one of them.The Argument - 5 finger toe shoes make you run how humans are Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770697048166668070.post-40069622860385854722010-12-07T17:44:00.006-07:002010-12-07T18:34:16.254-07:00The Snuggie For Dogs: I'm Shaking With RageI know what you're thinking. "Matt. . . really. . . . another snuggie post?". Yes. Another snuggie post. As long as they keep producing this crap, i'll keep writing negative posts about them, and it seems like they're literally going to milk this to death.Future posts might include:Snuggie for Cows: Udderly Ridiculous. HA!!!!Snuggie for the Deceased: Cloak of Death.Snuggie for the Matthewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03529876331934754150noreply@blogger.com3